The line that divides north, south, and Midwest runs through here. Occasionally voters are swayed by candidates’ views on maritime law as their ships are boarded by French privateers off the coast.
Since media penetration has hovered around only 3% since the invention of the newspaper in this part of the country, many people still believe Calvin Coolidge is running for president, much less being informed on current events.
Florida Governor Charlie “OMG I LOVE MCCAIN SO DREAMY” has feelings that are not platonic. His governorship has been short of remarkable and long of horrible, making him in no way noteworthy. So far, he has kept his promise of continuing Florida’s reputation for election irregularities, such as voting out of order and voting for John McCain.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt “The Also-Ran with a Plan” Romney completes our pantheon of exotic candidates by being Mormon. He’s also rich. Really, really rich. And look at that smile! Now we know how he managed to become governor of a liberal state and not be in the least bit liberal.
Pennsylvania is half enlightened East Coast state and half Rust Belt / Appalachia hellhole. Clunkline, located over the second ‘h’ in “Hellhole”, has a unique perspective on this phenomenon.
Depending on how many ignorant people the Republicans can motivate with their fear of Terror, fear of God, and fear of those who look different, Pennsylvanian elections are won or lost.
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick.
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.
Obama first took control of Chicago when he and his south side gang eliminated the north side opposition on Valentine’s Day 1929. He continued to use his muscle and wile to buy members of the judiciary and legislature until he was appointed Lord Protector of the Midwest and formed the New Model Government, defenestrating the previous governor from the Sears Tower.
McCain panders to the border security industry, which employs 73% of the state’s population by appropriating surplus Vietnam era US Army materiel to unorganized local militias, including collapsible anti-tank mortars, automatic M-14 rifles, depleted uranium hollow point exploding ammunition, high explosives, low explosives, F-4 Phantom fighter jets, and armored personnel carriers including but not limited to the M48A3 Patton Main Battle Tank.
After years of idiotic backwards rednecks from Missouri and South Carolina bragging to informed northerners from Massachusetts and Pennsylvania about how their wild, uninformed, ridiculous vote cancels out “y’alls” informed, well thought out, researched votes, the Federal government has changed the rules.
Too many old, crotchety Jewish women who can’t see usually end up voting 50-50 on the ballots, leading the rest of the voters to be influenced by radical West Florida Republic separatists.
Sam “Who?” Nunn is a man of mystery. Who is he? How many ice ages has he survived? I have no fucking clue. Apparently he has national security creds or something but they must be from the dawn of history, and no cuneiform tablets survived to tell us what exactly it was that he did.
John “Jennings Bryan” Edwards is a populist who keeps running, and yet keeps standing in place. Edwards has been known at times to vent his anger and rage by getting his hair cut in a dashing new style. He never quite ascends to the Presidency, forever doomed to be the best-looking also-ran except for the man pictured to his left.
It has come to my attention that my esteemed rival, DNC Spokesman Benjamin F. Hallett, has described Barack Obama’s energy plan as “clairvoyant”, given that he outlined it in October 2007, long before gas hit $4.50 a gallon.
Well, if Hallett thinks Obama is so clairvoyant, then how does he explain Obama’s vote on the Punting Toddlers Act of 2006?
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is half-Mexican, half-American, and all spice. His jolly jowls jiggle with laughter as he explains his national security credentials. He is the big, huggable teddy bear of the Democratic Party, and the only teddy bear to run for the White House since Teddy Roosevelt. Full of experience, happiness, past ambassadorial appointments, and Ricky Martin-esque Latin charm, Bill Richardson would help Obama make the term “White House” a misnomer.
Delaware Sen. Joe Biden, commonly mistaken for Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd, is largely distinguished from Dodd by the fact that his eyebrows could not hold back the rising waters of the Mississippi. What this means is that Biden and Dodd are otherwise similar, in terms of being relatively unremarkable white guys. Biden supposedly has a lot of national security experience but who cares? Can he cook me up some habanero sauce?
