And the winner is… “Controlling the heart with lasers may actually be safe”*
Oh, well that’s a relief. All this time, we’ve been unloading our lasers on people’s hearts just in the off-chance that it’s a good idea, and finally, here we have the proof! Proof inside the proverbial pudding. A pudding made from lasers and advances in health science.
Pudding actually sounds pretty good right now. Mm, gelatinous substances. Well, that is why I went into the field of medicine / mad science in the first place… I just can’t get enough of gooey things.
Spring Break is over, but the SUPER PRIVATE times continue down on Gulf beaches as the Almost Naked Volleyball Championships get underway. And sometimes the co-ed teams wear SANDALS!!
“SANDALS are something that everyone can wear, male or female, no matter how much other clothing they are wearing at the time,” said New School ECE major Estan Huaraches.
Point:
All these frats keep trying to Rush me, but man, I don’t know. I mean, one of my friends joined a fraternity and I thought it’d be cool, but then he apparently set some kind of world record for Vomiting Everywhere, I don’t know. It sounded pretty bad.
The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.
Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour.
“We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!”
Neo-post-post-rock group To Hëll With The Dåmned! Said The Sætting Sün Over The Bättlefield Stårk! released its new eleven-disc album Monday to universal disapproval. Not one positive review has come from anyone anywhere, no matter how many drugs they were on at the time.
You thought it was the stuff of fiction. You said it couldn’t happen here. You were wrong; dead wrong. Too bad you’re the President of the United States.
Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples.
“What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!”
“Yup, it’s gone now,” said former investment banker Leah Jones on Thursday. “They up and collided those hadrons, and now we’re all dead. I kept telling them this would happen, and did they listen? Evidently not.”
You might think that, when your favorite NFL team is leading by 11 points with two minutes left in the game, it might as well be over. Surely, they’ve got it “in the bag” now and you can safely switch channels, right? You might think that, but that’s because you root for a GOOD team. Or, to use the term favored by Buffalo Bills fans, a BORING one.
This was performed by Scotch ‘n’ Soda Theatre. It won me and Chicken Chow Fun a nice shiny “Best Original Play” award, but I think it was in large part thanks to the performances of the cast (which included two other Clunkliners) and work of the director. Underground Man got nominated for Best Male Lead for his role, which is pretty hard to do since this festival always takes place after the nomination period is basically over.
Technically, it also won “Best Post-show Music” but I don’t think that counts since they made the award up just to give it to us.
Hold the Elevator was written, rehearsed, and performed in the space of 24 hours.
I tagged it as a film because we don’t have a category for plays.
