Oh, well that’s a relief. All this time, we’ve been unloading our lasers on people’s hearts just in the off-chance that it’s a good idea, and finally, here we have the proof! Proof inside the proverbial pudding. A pudding made from lasers and advances in health science.

Pudding actually sounds pretty good right now. Mm, gelatinous substances. Well, that is why I went into the field of medicine / mad science in the first place… I just can’t get enough of gooey things.

Laser? I hardly even know ‘er!**

(*from here: http://arstechnica.com/science/news/2010/08/lasers-outpace-other-methods-of-controlling-heartbeats.ars)
(**WHAT HATH SCIENCE WROUGHT!??)

“SANDALS are something that everyone can wear, male or female, no matter how much other clothing they are wearing at the time,” said New School ECE major Estan Huaraches. “You can even wear them over boots and that is even SEXYer than not wearing boots. SANDALS are so hottttt, they sometimes put me on fire.” FIVE Ts is how hottttt SANDALS are.

“I just love to watch the young co-eds jump around in their SANDALS,” said University of DuBois sophomore design major Richard Mules. “Because SANDALS have all the excitement of a natural disaster with none of the senseless deaths. Hooray for SANDALS!”

However, more conservative voices would call the SANDALS an AFFRONT TO VALUES. “I don’t see how you can call SANDAL-WEARING in the beach sunshine a sport,” said Carlow College music major Jañez Espadrilles. “It makes me sad inside and want to wither up near the cold clear water.” MORALS.

“According to the American Heritage Dictionary, a DYNAMO is a generator, especially one for producing direct current, or a person who is also like this,” says purchasing manager Oto Tatami. “It is this that defines the administration, it is good that nothing is any good with SANDALS.”

This article was originally published in readme’s Annual Sandal Issue, which is a joke on the Tartan’s Annual Scandal Issue, which is a joke on that time the Tartan did a thing with a thing. See, the Tartan can be funny sometimes!

]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/07/special-super-sandalous-summer-clunker-sandal-issue/feed/ 0 http://clunkline.com/2010/07/pointcounterpoint-greek-life/ http://clunkline.com/2010/07/pointcounterpoint-greek-life/#comments Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:00:21 +0000 Sgt. Earth http://clunkline.com/?p=4893 Point: All these frats keep trying to Rush me, but man, I don’t know. I mean, one of my friends joined a fraternity and I thought it’d be cool, but then he apparently set some kind of world record for Vomiting Everywhere, I don’t know. It sounded pretty bad. And I know hazing is supposed to be illegal, but one friend of mine got hazed pretty bad and wouldn’t talk about it and I said, “Spill man, you’re acting like they put you through Chinese Water Torture,” and he just said, “They did” with this dead look in his eyes… and then he actually died… and I guess I felt like kind of a dick about that. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just don’t know if I want to get involved in Greek life.

Counterpoint: Oh, but dude, Greek life is AWESOME! I mean, I’ve been a Greek for pretty much my whole life and I just love it to death. You get all this good food with grape leaves, filo dough, and feta cheese, and the Parthenon, and Dionysus. And there are gyros and olives everywhere. You should totally become a Greek. Here, hang on, I think I’ve got the citizenship applications on me… Aetoû gêras, korydoû neótēs, brah. Aetoû gêras.

———- This may or may not have been published in readme. Wouldn’t you like to know?

]]> Point:
All these frats keep trying to Rush me, but man, I don’t know. I mean, one of my friends joined a fraternity and I thought it’d be cool, but then he apparently set some kind of world record for Vomiting Everywhere, I don’t know. It sounded pretty bad. And I know hazing is supposed to be illegal, but one friend of mine got hazed pretty bad and wouldn’t talk about it and I said, “Spill man, you’re acting like they put you through Chinese Water Torture,” and he just said, “They did” with this dead look in his eyes… and then he actually died… and I guess I felt like kind of a dick about that. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just don’t know if I want to get involved in Greek life.

Counterpoint:
Oh, but dude, Greek life is AWESOME! I mean, I’ve been a Greek for pretty much my whole life and I just love it to death. You get all this good food with grape leaves, filo dough, and feta cheese, and the Parthenon, and Dionysus. And there are gyros and olives everywhere. You should totally become a Greek. Here, hang on, I think I’ve got the citizenship applications on me… Aetoû gêras, korydoû neótēs, brah. Aetoû gêras.

———-
This may or may not have been published in readme. Wouldn’t you like to know?

]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/07/pointcounterpoint-greek-life/feed/ 1 http://clunkline.com/2009/12/jesus-saves-chrismas/ http://clunkline.com/2009/12/jesus-saves-chrismas/#comments Wed, 23 Dec 2009 04:53:11 +0000 Sgt. Earth http://clunkline.com/?p=1657 The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.

“It was so sweet the way the Rock of Ages filled in for the injured Santa,” said critic Danielle Steele. “And the veterinary proficiency Jesus displayed in healing Rudolf’s ailing nose was astounding. When the Light of the World worked for hours to fix Santa’s sleigh during that one montage sequence, I was ready to cry.” Added Steele, “That ticking clock motif really got to me.”

“When some zany elf rebels captured Mrs. Clause and took her to the U.S.S.R., I really thought it was all over,” said theatergoer Ray Wilkins. “The ensuing passage where Jesus tracked down and fought the Communists and their dinosaurs in their tundra lair was one of the most meaningful moments of my life, perhaps anyone’s life anywhere. It shows that while Jesus seemed hardboiled on the outside, on the inside he’s a man with a big heart… which may or may not be on fire.”

Eyewitnesses have reported that Jesus proceeded to bring back the stolen presents, reunite his estranged parents, and teach a child to believe in Santa Clause… and in himself.

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” said young Krustavich, whose faith in humanity (and in Jesus) had been restored.

This salvation of a cherished time of togetherness as a family came as a relief after 1996, when some Spanish guy saved Christmas and no one could understand him or give him a job that paid above minimum wage.

This article was previously published in readme, Carnegie Mellon University’s one-stop source for things that probably aren’t true.

]]> The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.

“It was so sweet the way the Rock of Ages filled in for the injured Santa,” said critic Danielle Steele. “And the veterinary proficiency Jesus displayed in healing Rudolf’s ailing nose was astounding. When the Light of the World worked for hours to fix Santa’s sleigh during that one montage sequence, I was ready to cry.” Added Steele, “That ticking clock motif really got to me.”

“When some zany elf rebels captured Mrs. Clause and took her to the U.S.S.R., I really thought it was all over,” said theatergoer Ray Wilkins. “The ensuing passage where Jesus tracked down and fought the Communists and their dinosaurs in their tundra lair was one of the most meaningful moments of my life, perhaps anyone’s life anywhere. It shows that while Jesus seemed hardboiled on the outside, on the inside he’s a man with a big heart… which may or may not be on fire.”

Eyewitnesses have reported that Jesus proceeded to bring back the stolen presents, reunite his estranged parents, and teach a child to believe in Santa Clause… and in himself.

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” said young Krustavich, whose faith in humanity (and in Jesus) had been restored.

This salvation of a cherished time of togetherness as a family came as a relief after 1996, when some Spanish guy saved Christmas and no one could understand him or give him a job that paid above minimum wage.

---

This article was previously published in readme, Carnegie Mellon University’s one-stop source for things that probably aren’t true.

]]> http://clunkline.com/2009/12/jesus-saves-chrismas/feed/ 0 http://clunkline.com/2009/12/magma-to-engulf-pittsburgh/ http://clunkline.com/2009/12/magma-to-engulf-pittsburgh/#comments Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:46:34 +0000 Sgt. Earth http://clunkline.com/?p=1662 Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour.

“We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!”

“We don’t really like the label of ‘hard rock’ we’ve been given by the public,” said drummer Ash Lamps. “We’re really more of an igneous rock sound. ‘Molten rock’ works, too.”

Magma is best known for their 1974 hit, “A Caldera Full of Scorching Love”, off their seventh album, “Volcanic (My Love For You Is True).” Also playing are powerpop champions The Sediments, as well as underground R&B classic Metamorphic and the Heats & Pressures.

“This has been our first time playing in front of a live audience for over twenty years,” said grizzled frontman of Metamorphic, Jean-Paul Davis. “I hope we’ll be able to flow under the pressure, given some time. But you know what they say… if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the mantle.”

Not everyone is convinced that the show will be worth listening to, but everyone seems to agree that it will be worth seeing. “I’m not much of a fan of the igneous rock genre itself,” said Carnegie Mellon student Terrence Edwards, a sophomore in geoscience. “Much too fluid and hot-headed for me. But I will say this, Magma’s groupies are really spathic.” ‘Spathic’ refers to the high cuttability of a given mineral… that is, spathic rock has great cleavage. ‘Bizarrely perverted’ refers to student Terrence Edwards.

In this writer’s opinion, this is going to be the biggest act since Famous Frontman, His Orchestra, and Special Guest played at Heinz Hall in 1994, the great Hoverfish / Discount Viscount collaboration of ’82, or perhaps even The Ataris.

This article was originally published in readme, which contains some of your daily values of vitamins, minerals, and small cars.)

]]> Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour.

“We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!”

“We don’t really like the label of ‘hard rock’ we’ve been given by the public,” said drummer Ash Lamps. “We’re really more of an igneous rock sound. ‘Molten rock’ works, too.”

Magma is best known for their 1974 hit, “A Caldera Full of Scorching Love”, off their seventh album, “Volcanic (My Love For You Is True).” Also playing are powerpop champions The Sediments, as well as underground R&B classic Metamorphic and the Heats & Pressures.

“This has been our first time playing in front of a live audience for over twenty years,” said grizzled frontman of Metamorphic, Jean-Paul Davis. “I hope we’ll be able to flow under the pressure, given some time. But you know what they say… if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the mantle.”

Not everyone is convinced that the show will be worth listening to, but everyone seems to agree that it will be worth seeing. “I’m not much of a fan of the igneous rock genre itself,” said Carnegie Mellon student Terrence Edwards, a sophomore in geoscience. “Much too fluid and hot-headed for me. But I will say this, Magma’s groupies are really spathic.” ‘Spathic’ refers to the high cuttability of a given mineral… that is, spathic rock has great cleavage. ‘Bizarrely perverted’ refers to student Terrence Edwards.

In this writer’s opinion, this is going to be the biggest act since Famous Frontman, His Orchestra, and Special Guest played at Heinz Hall in 1994, the great Hoverfish / Discount Viscount collaboration of ’82, or perhaps even The Ataris.

---

This article was originally published in readme, which contains some of your daily values of vitamins, minerals, and small cars.)

]]> http://clunkline.com/2009/12/magma-to-engulf-pittsburgh/feed/ 0