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Yeah, I’ve seen a bunch of your newfangled “action flicks” that you people are watching in theaters these days. I was underwhelmed by “G.I. Joe,” underwhelmed by “Ninja Assassin” and “Transformers 2,” and just plain whelmed by “The Book of Eli.” But all you young people out there, you get so excited when you see this stuff, you’re practically pissing in your popcorn! Well let me tell you something; the action movies of my day were so awesome you’d start blowing CRAP out your EYEBALLS if you so much as glanced at ‘em. While I do appreciate the depth in which you feel things, specifically objects, more specifically plastic phallic objects, I do not understand why you feel the need to lick them in such a manner. While I am perfectly accepting of exploring oneself, I do not see the purpose in tasting oneself. If you happen to be in a lesbian experiment, and you wish to explore the flavors of your new friend, perhaps she would find it more reasonable to go straight to the source. It’s A Long Way To Empress Augusta Viktoria of Schleswig-Holstein’s Vagina And The Band Played ‘Das Panzerlied’ My Belgian Shell-hole Torpedo Shim In Here (Would be accompanied by pointing to one’s trousers.) War Is Swell Author’s note: War is all hell Enter Vagina Vagina: THHBBBBBPT Vagina: BLLLRPT Vagina: THHWWRRRP Exeunt. Who’s above a queefing joke? Not Grabass-Champion. I get bored during breaks from school. Basically, my breaks amount to me having nothing to do because my friends all love their families and therefore love spending time with their families. I do not have this luxury. My Thanksgiving break revolved around hanging out with Tanzmetall, watching the soft core porn episode of the Next Generation, and enjoying the cinematic masterpiece that is the Phantom Menace. That, and masturbating. This past weekend, I attempted to get back in touch with a high school classmate of mine. I noticed that next to his mugshot on the sex offender database, there were no ads. Nothing, anywhere on the page. I was more outraged by this omission than by the crime he “allegedly” committed. No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.
 Oooh, baby, you're too hot for Milo. How about you dump that chump and become the Venus de Tanzmetall instead? Seriously, I can’t be alone in this. I mean, I’m not crazy, I know they’re not actual women you can “do the deed with”, so to speak. But their breasts are always perfectly proportioned! And I just know that, if they weren’t made of hard plastic, they’d be just the right size to gently cup in my hand. And, of course, if they were real, they would love me. Two security scares this weekend led to panic and paranoia among the citizens of Detroit, the center of American industry and culture that the terrorists had wisely targeted. This attempt to destroy a city that the rest of the country looks up to in awe is basically the terrorists’ way of saying, “Merry Christmas, America.” Poop
1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car. |
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