As the result of an alleged miracle, the likeness of Jesus Christ has been found in a pile of dog feces in the heart of the Vatican.

According to the Holy See, a stray dog wandered into the Basilica of St. John Lateran sometime last Thursday. The dog apparently then managed to get into a storeroom filled with communion wafers, upon which it gorged itself.

The next morning during mass, a pile of the dog’s feces was discovered under one of the pews.

But this is no ordinary mound of feces, Pope Benedict XVI claims. His Holiness says the image of Jesus is clearly evident within it, and the halo, a faint ring of light yellow-brown feces, is also quite visible.

The following day, church officials held a mass and vigil dedicated to the feces, which Pope Benedict dubbed Fesus Christ. Donations toward a permanent display enclosure for Fesus Christ are currently being accepted by the Vatican.

But hey, it’s niiice and warm here! Check out the live animals! No! Carlos! Not so close! Oooh… too bad there’s no modern hospital system to help you out there with that leg… At least you didn’t lose it to a warlord!

Okay, everyone, let’s gather round and make some textiles! Someone drag Carlos over here… he just looks so pathetic hopping like that. Want a drink, Carlos? It may or may not be rocket fuel, but it’ll probably cure what ails you either way!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention… 80% of you here have aids! And no, they don’t sing about it here… but the really fun part is that 75% of that 80% has no idea they’re infected! So be caaaareful who you hook up with tonight, everyone.

So, I hope you all have a good time. Just be reminded: any “party-foul” will be dealt with by my army of meth-addicted child soldiers. Have fun!

“District 9?” Please! Compared to “Die Hard” that movie might as well be “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” Bruce Willis sure as hell didn’t need to use any special effects to get rid of a hotel full of angry Germans! Just his fists, a few bullets, and an AWESOME catchphrase.

And I’ve heard what you people are saying about that “Avatar” movie too. “Non-stop action?” Really? Here’s the thing about non-stop action: it’s not supposed to stop. I distinctly remember pauses for dialogue and exposition in that snooze-fest. You think Jackie Chan had time to stop and explain what was happening in “Legend of Drunken Master?” No! He was too busy KICKING people in the FACE.

BOOO-RING!

Really, you think that watching BUILDINGS or CARS explode counts as exciting? That’s about as exciting as watching paint explode! You know what’s exciting? PEOPLE exploding! Now THAT’s action! I tried watching “Surrogates,” and not ONE PERSON explodes in that whole movie! You know what movie has people exploding in it? “Total Recall” does! Because THAT movie doesn’t SUCK!

And finally, what’s with the names you people are giving your movies these days? “Surrogates?” What the hell does THAT tell me about the movie, other than it SUCKS? You know what an action movie title sounds like? “Sudden Death!” Now THAT’S a title! If you don’t know that one, it’s a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie that’s EXACTLY like “Die Hard,” except it takes place in a hockey rink instead of a hotel, which means it’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Honestly, if Jean Claude Van Damme’s character from that movie (I don’t remember his name, but it’s OKAY because in a GOOD action movie their names don’t MATTER!) ever met one of today’s so-called “action” heroes, he could pound any of them into pizzas even with one arm hacked off with a CHAINSAW– because that’s how people DID THINGS in those days!