Fortunately, the spirits of didn’t bother him, and the rest of the night passed uneventfully.

To celebrate his successful inheritance, Paul decided to treat himself to lunch today. After debating for a while, Paul settled on the Mumbai Delhi, that new sit-down curry-and-sandwich shop down the street from where Paul worked. To his annoyance, it looked like word had spread and the restaurant was almost completely full, with the exception of a single table for four near the kitchen.

Paul approached the hostess and announced himself. She consulted the screen in front of her. “I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, we don’t have a table available right now.”

This was not okay. The scent of curry was strong, and Paul was hungry… not in the mood, even in the thrill of victory, for holdups. “What about that one?” he asked, pointing.

“That one’s taken. They called ahead. I’m sorry, it really shouldn’t be more than ten minutes…”

Just then, several people clad in headdresses and feathers walked in, and the hostess excused herself – this was clearly the party they’d been expecting. Paul was not exactly sure whether their thongs and half-vests violated No Shirt No Shoes Don’t Tell or not, but it was aggravating all the same. Maybe this was high fashion nowadays, less is more? Not that there was any choice but to wait now – Paul wanted curry – but he wasn’t going to like it.

As the group passed, the man in the biggest headdress, with a face worn by years of hardship and loss, but still proud, unbroken, turned to him and said, his voice even:

“Maybe next time you’ll have a reservation.”

As the result of an alleged miracle, the likeness of Jesus Christ has been found in a pile of dog feces in the heart of the Vatican.

According to the Holy See, a stray dog wandered into the Basilica of St. John Lateran sometime last Thursday. The dog apparently then managed to get into a storeroom filled with communion wafers, upon which it gorged itself.

The next morning during mass, a pile of the dog’s feces was discovered under one of the pews.

But this is no ordinary mound of feces, Pope Benedict XVI claims. His Holiness says the image of Jesus is clearly evident within it, and the halo, a faint ring of light yellow-brown feces, is also quite visible.

The following day, church officials held a mass and vigil dedicated to the feces, which Pope Benedict dubbed Fesus Christ. Donations toward a permanent display enclosure for Fesus Christ are currently being accepted by the Vatican.

But hey, it’s niiice and warm here! Check out the live animals! No! Carlos! Not so close! Oooh… too bad there’s no modern hospital system to help you out there with that leg… At least you didn’t lose it to a warlord!

Okay, everyone, let’s gather round and make some textiles! Someone drag Carlos over here… he just looks so pathetic hopping like that. Want a drink, Carlos? It may or may not be rocket fuel, but it’ll probably cure what ails you either way!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention… 80% of you here have aids! And no, they don’t sing about it here… but the really fun part is that 75% of that 80% has no idea they’re infected! So be caaaareful who you hook up with tonight, everyone.

So, I hope you all have a good time. Just be reminded: any “party-foul” will be dealt with by my army of meth-addicted child soldiers. Have fun!