The new Holy Text definitely starts off strong– I particularly enjoyed the book of Randall, in which the Lord unveils fifteen all new commandments. Granted, it feels like a few of them were added just to bring the total up to a nice even 25. I wonder if, for example, commandment 17 (“Thou shalt listen to more Skynyrd, because the Lord really digs them”) really necessary. Still, the majority of the verses are pretty solid, and I can see it becoming popular in liturgical readings for years to come. The same can be said of the book of Larry, which helps clarify God’s positions on a few political issues. For one thing, we find out why Leviticus wrote those nasty things about gay people (spoiler alert: he was just jealous that they were all better at dancing than he was).

Unfortunately, I kind of felt like the Lord really saved his best ideas for the beginning and ending, with most of the chapters in the middle being rather slow and uneventful. We do get to see the return of quite a few favorite characters from the original, but most of the appearances seem a bit forced and unnecessary. Samson, for example, only shows up for a brief cameo in a few chapters of the book of Explosions to help out in Jesus’ fight against Sub Zero. Meanwhile, John the Baptist spends a good chunk of the time wandering around the desert searching for a bunch of magical macguffins, which don’t even end up being all that important to the story. The worst offender by far, though, is the second book of Numbers, in which Jesus decides to see if he can count to ten thousand. I don’t think I’m really giving anything away by saying that he does.

Still, there are a few gems tucked away in there. The book of Jerry has a fantastic twist ending that God claims even He didn’t see coming. And the book of Awesome, which comes in at the very end, is a great finale to the whole series. I know a lot of fans, including myself, were excited about the prospect of a Jesus/Moses team up, and thankfully the new Bible delivers. Most of the finale is devoted to an epic battle sequence in which they– along with Solomon, Elijah, St. Paul, and a few others– team up to save the earth from a horde of invading dinosaur ninjas. It’s a great way to end the series, and I hope the movie version is able to capture the drama as perfectly as the book does.

All in all, despite a few missteps, I really liked “The Bible 2.” It clears up a lot of the questions raised by the original, and even makes room for a few genuinely funny moments– something that the first Bible was sorely lacking in. Don’t expect a masterpiece, but if you’re looking for a solid addition to your summer reading list, you can certainly do a lot worse.

Fortunately, the spirits of didn’t bother him, and the rest of the night passed uneventfully.

To celebrate his successful inheritance, Paul decided to treat himself to lunch today. After debating for a while, Paul settled on the Mumbai Delhi, that new sit-down curry-and-sandwich shop down the street from where Paul worked. To his annoyance, it looked like word had spread and the restaurant was almost completely full, with the exception of a single table for four near the kitchen.

Paul approached the hostess and announced himself. She consulted the screen in front of her. “I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, we don’t have a table available right now.”

This was not okay. The scent of curry was strong, and Paul was hungry… not in the mood, even in the thrill of victory, for holdups. “What about that one?” he asked, pointing.

“That one’s taken. They called ahead. I’m sorry, it really shouldn’t be more than ten minutes…”

Just then, several people clad in headdresses and feathers walked in, and the hostess excused herself – this was clearly the party they’d been expecting. Paul was not exactly sure whether their thongs and half-vests violated No Shirt No Shoes Don’t Tell or not, but it was aggravating all the same. Maybe this was high fashion nowadays, less is more? Not that there was any choice but to wait now – Paul wanted curry – but he wasn’t going to like it.

As the group passed, the man in the biggest headdress, with a face worn by years of hardship and loss, but still proud, unbroken, turned to him and said, his voice even:

“Maybe next time you’ll have a reservation.”

As the result of an alleged miracle, the likeness of Jesus Christ has been found in a pile of dog feces in the heart of the Vatican.

According to the Holy See, a stray dog wandered into the Basilica of St. John Lateran sometime last Thursday. The dog apparently then managed to get into a storeroom filled with communion wafers, upon which it gorged itself.

The next morning during mass, a pile of the dog’s feces was discovered under one of the pews.

But this is no ordinary mound of feces, Pope Benedict XVI claims. His Holiness says the image of Jesus is clearly evident within it, and the halo, a faint ring of light yellow-brown feces, is also quite visible.

The following day, church officials held a mass and vigil dedicated to the feces, which Pope Benedict dubbed Fesus Christ. Donations toward a permanent display enclosure for Fesus Christ are currently being accepted by the Vatican.