Twas the night before I IMPREGNATED YOUR MOM, and all through the BUTT,
Not a POOP was BARFING, not even a SCROTUM.
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Poop
1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car. No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers. When we set up our new ads, I set them as NSFW. Porn, see, isn’t allowed on our advertising network, and by NSFW, they basically mean, anything your grandma wouldn’t want to see. Clunkline definitely qualifies. But, having tagged ourselves as NSFW, we are now getting ads for dildos and erotica read aloud by a sultry, lusty female. Inspired by our foxy new advertisers, MesmericKiwi, me, and the ironically-named Senator Bongledongle decided that now was the opportune time to ruin our future careers in politics. Just FYI, this is pretty horrible and you should not listen to it. Preface by the Abbot Anslwyth in the time of King Henry VII: July 14th, 1376
They say I am dead. That I will never haunt the world again. That I shot myself in a bunker in Germany sixty years ago. What they don’t know is that I had a long-hidden twin brother who actually was the one who died, and that I learned the secrets of eating right and exercising. I have lived to see the ripe old age of 120. They also don’t know where I’ve been hiding, the one place no one has thought to look: Sentinel Island. From the smallest of the Andaman Islands, I shall attempt my comeback. For years, I thought I was off to a good start. I smacked these foolish islanders into a steely, unforgiving discipline. I have trained them to make unmotivated attacks on all outsiders. And though they have never met a Jew or Frenchman, they assure me that if they ever do, they will growl menacingly.
In Ancient Greece, few dramas were more tense than this exchange of sharp words and swords between a pair of rival playwrights. Their story remained lost to history until the relevant documents were plumbed out of the depths of an Egyptian portopotty. It is supposed that they were deposited there after being discarded when an Achaemenid used them as first reading material, and then toilet paper. What a heinous advertisement! My monocle flew from my eye.
After the child is old enough to enjoy it, you sick fucks. The young man gazed with wonder at his mistress. The light of countless stars was just enough for his eyes to take in her familiar outline. Here, in a small ditch in the middle of a field on a moonless night, they could truly be alone. Away from the judgmental eyes of the society that had forbidden their love, they could indulge in their secret passion.
Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection. July 19, 2009 Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo! So I’ve been sharing my room with this guy for a few months. Wanna know how that went? Dope as shit, man, dope as shit. Seriously, this guy is balls awesome, I’d definitely take his cock in my mouth in some mad respect fellatio. Seriously, if he was a chick, I’d superman that ho. Here’s why he’s the shit. |
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