Nom de pomme: So tell me about your new project.

Tanzmetal: Well I have set up my guest room as a University. Degree mill & everything.

NDP: Would I be able to pay an unreasonable fee to attend your institution of higher learning?

T: It would be so incredibly unreasonable.

NDP: Interesting… T: However, we would give you a pitiful amount of aid to make the apparent cost slightly lower when, in fact, that is the amount we expected you to pay in the first place. But the grant will be enough to make you think you are getting a GREAT DEAL.

NDP: Now see that’s an attractive proposition. Could you give me some statistics about rankings and research dollars that are meaningless to me and pertain to a lab I’ll never work in or even see?

T: The teacher/student ratio is great, it is 1. Which reminds me: you will be required, as a graduate student, to teach some classes.

NDP: Ooh! Can they be at really bad times of day and require abnormally large amounts of time to be dedicated?

T: Oh the Provost has asked me to revise the ratio to 1:4 as there are some lamps here that she wishes were brighter. And the classes will be at the worst times of day. You will only have office hours when you, the student, cannot attend as you are in classes at that time taught by prof. you. We offer courses in Futility and Procrastination

NDP: This sounds like it may form an infinite loop if I ask myself a question but I am definitely interested. Can you recommend some low cost, low quality housing in the area that is not close enough to walk but just close enough that riding a bus seems almost pointless?

T: You can sleep in our Futonmitories. It is a futon. By day this is your lecture hall.

NDP: How many futonmates will I have?

T: You are sharing the futon with prof. you. It is his housing quarters. Also the lamps.

NDP: Can we form a ritualistic society?

T: You may, if you desire, form a group using Cyrillic letters taking after Russian culture in the most superficial ways and get together for important meetings about Being Men. And lamps. This is an inclusive society.

NDP: What about dining facilities?

T: We have a swimming pool you may drink from and there is a vending machine in the hallway. It has Funyuns.

NDP: Is there a substandard, perpetually dirty communal kitchenette that lacks random pieces of household equipment like a toaster, microwave, etc. that I can use?

T: We definitely don’t have a toaster so yes.

NDP: Can the appliances you do have be made in the Soviet Union in the 70′s?

T: That and also our plates, which are made with radioactive paint.

NDP: It’s almost like no paint would have been better! Will there be pieces of literature espousing community involvement and diversity, but all activities are organized by the same 3 people and any social group seen on campus will be invariably homogenous and borderline offensively stereotypical?

T: Yup. Oh I forgot to mention, we are not currently accepting applicants. If you want to donate to the school we will put your name on a lamp. If you do end up enrolling to become our only student, you’ll put the Uni in University.

NDP: Well I am sold. Sign me up for Tanzmetall Institute of Technology and Such.

T: Done.

Cheeseburgers have invaded, ruthlessly killing all butts in the area. Not a single butt is left alive as of press time. People are starting to wonder how they will go poo now that they have eaten all the cheeseburgers, which were apparently just as delicious as non-murderous sandwiches.

Also, a number of cows have been set free in the streets of Beijing, perhaps a hundred thousand head or more. They also lack butts and might explode if they keep eating grass.

SNYDER We have heard that he is in the area, Mr. Gray, but rest assured your product will make the Asian market safely.

MR. GRAY It had better, Snyder, or else you will find yourself owing quite a large debt.

At that moment, and enormous explosion at a corner of the fortress sends people, animals, and debris flying everywhere. A stoic BLAZE MCGUNNZ stands in the flames holding a rocket launcher, which he has just employed to blow a hole in the wall. Behind him streams in a cadre of mercenary bounty hunters.

BLAZE Just give up Snyder, and I promise not to blow your head off.

SNYDER Fuck! It’s Blaze! Get him!

Snyder’s soldiers begin shooting wildly in every direction, setting off piles of artillery shells and boxes of incendiary rounds. Blaze manages to sneak around the action and confront Snyder

BLAZE I’ve got you now Snyder! Prepare to get a mouthful of bitchslap!

SNYDER I’ve got a trick or two still up my sleeve Blaze.

Snyder picks up Mr. Gray at the waist and throws him at Blaze. Blaze dodges the china-man and he falls off the balcony down into a hen house. Egg dribbles hilariously down his face and a hen picks at his nose. As it happens, they are actually MUTANT WERE-CHICKENS and devour Mr. Gray in a few moments of shrieking, loose feathers, and high-pitched clucking.

MR. GRAY Snyderrrrrr!

Blaze and Snyder draw their katanas for a duel on the precipice of the tallest battlement of the old fort. The glaze of the setting sun reflect off both of their blades. Several blows are parried and defended by both duelists, while below the guards and mercenaries continue to fight.

BLAZE I see you are a master of the Kasinu Horimatsu style, as am I.

SNYDER I studied under Yoshi Yoshihama of Yoshi Yoshihama’s Discount Sword Fighting Emporium in Wasabi Prefecture, until I killed him for making fun of my kimono.

BLAZE You killed my master!

SNYDER And I’d do it again!

Blaze pulls out a flare gun and shoots it into the sky. Offshore, a mercenary destroyer, observing the signal, sends a fifteen inch shell through the wall the two are fighting on. People, mutant animals, and debris goes everywhere as the wall explodes in a firestorm. Snyder falls off the cliff but lands in the canopy of a palm tree, then climbs down to a hidden mini-sub.

SNYDER Fuck you Blaze I’m gonna kill you!

Snyder escapes. Blaze was blown in the other direction through a crate full of tropical fruit, and emerges covered in juice and pulp.

BLAZE Now that’s what I call a sticky situation.

The surviving mercenaries and agents laugh heartily as the entire fortress now collapses, and all the drugs and weapons fall into the sea.

THE END