Blaine Warbler had never been stopped, nor hindered, in his quest to indiscriminately eat almost everything… Until last week.

“Gasoline, lead, rat poison. He took it all in stride,” recalled Ted Wurg, a close friend of the unfortunate Mr. Warbler. “As kids we used to eat that kind of stuff all the time.”

A glimmer appeared in Ted’s eyes as he shared stories of their childhood. “For pocket change we would offer our consumption services to neighbors. I can’t tell you how many ants, cockroaches, and bastard kids we put away together.”

Asked to recount the circumstances of Blaine’s death, Wurg’s face turned woeful and somber. “I told him, damnit. I told him that stuff was trouble. But he just wouldn’t listen.”

Ted went on to tell us how he found his lifelong friend dead in the bathroom of his house last Thursday. “Yep, he died a-poopin’. Pooped so hard he cracked the bowl. Ain’t nothin’ ever gave Blaine problems like that before. Not even Etan Patz.”

Police detectives discovered an empty beef jerky bag on the floor in the living room of the Warbler residence. An autopsy confirmed that severe diarrhea, triggered by eating a “Do Not Eat” packet, was the cause of death.

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Step 2. No, really, don’t. I’m only saying this out of concern for you.

Step 3. Well, all right…. start out with some regular beans, not too much. Whole, canned beans will do nicely. I used great northern beans, mostly because they sounded dramatic and reminded me of both The Polar Express and His Dark Materials. I’m making only a single serving for now. Boil them in not too much water, maybe about a cup.

Step 4. Add salt.

Step 5. The beans might not be salty enough. Add soy sauce! This stuff is “low sodium,” so use extra.

Step 6. This is sort of turning into beans-in-a-broth. I’ll add some brown rice miso to up the broth factor. Plus, miso’s salty, and salt is good, right?

Step 7. These beans aren’t tender enough, but the broth has boiled down into a sludge. Add more water.

Step 8. Add spices. Let’s pick one I haven’t used recently to “spice” things up a bit, ahem. …Oh, how about anise? Here, I’ll just sprinkle some in, and… oh. I thought this container had one of those inside lids, the kind that has holes and lets you delicately sprinkle in just the right amount, but no. I may have just accidentally dumped half a tablespoon of anise into my roughly half cup of beans. Oh well, at least my breath will be fresh…

Step 9. What the hey, let’s add some capers. They’re a pretty potent flavor (and notably rather salty), so a tablespoon ought to do it. Oh, and it looks like the broth has turned into sludge again. Thick sauces are good sometimes, so let’s leave it be.

Step 10. Congratulations! You have just prepared some of the saltiest beans you’ve ever eaten. Wow, and that anise. Wow. Anise and salt, together at last. This is well-nigh inedible… I need some water. At least the beans are tender.