Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society,
I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well.
Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.
It was the first time the two men had appeared at such an event. Senator Obama spoke mostly on his support for legalized abortion, while Senator Obama talked about the biblically-outlined responsibility for people to help those less fortunate.
A bill banning many different kinds of abrotions passed Tennessee’s lower house last Tuesday to much fanfare and ridicule. But opponents stopped laughing when, on Thursday, it became clear that the upper house was going to take the bill seriously.
So, I used to love seeing you when you came around, y’know? You were kinda cute and we talked and it was so fun to just flirt a little bit. I mean, so long as your boyfriend wasn’t around. Then you disappeared for a couple of weeks… I didn’t really notice, no… I see a lot of people every day so it’s not any offense to you, it just wasn’t a big loss in the grand scheme of things.
Yesterday, the USA FEAST Act was signed into law by President Bush, marking a milestone in the fight against Terrorism with a capital T. It plans to selectively limit Americans’ food intake, building on the foundation of the USA PATRIOT Acts, which remove civil liberties so that the government can better fight Terrorism by finding out who’s getting abortions.
North Korea’s attempt to create a totally glorious national symbol resulted instead in the creation of a totally appropriate national symbol.
“White Elephant” is a term used to describe an expensive waste of money that is kept around anyway because it is symbolic or pretty, like a decaying aircraft carrier, an expensive statue, or a trophy wife. Fortunately for rich men, trophy wives rarely look like white elephants. Unfortunately for North Korea, they’re not rich: North Korea’s white elephant looks like a peanut found in one of Big Brother’s most ominous turds.
The Ryugyong Hotel is the most expensive stupid thing I’ve ever heard of, after Paris Hilton, who is similarly renowned for being something you could sleep in but wouldn’t want to.
American Pop star Hannah Montana is in Afghanistan fighting for the American Army under her real name, Lt Miley Stewart. She was deployed five weeks ago, and her fellow soldiers were sworn to keep their raging fandom/hardons contained in their minds/pants.
“As far as I’m concerned,” she said, “I’m just a normal preteen girl, doing my duty for America and God.”