Harvesting nose oil seemed like such a great idea at first. By installing pumps on the faces of unpopular teenagers, we could not only get more energy, but also cure them of acne in the process. Plus, the derricks would make a great conversation piece when on dates, by the gym lockers, and so forth.

This project was abandoned mostly due to lobbying by ACNE Co.’s competitor, ACME. After all, ACME does have a monopoly on stupid bullshit like this. The ACNE Co. patented nose pump.

2. Hydrogen yule cell

Conceived as a way to make transportation less reliant on foreign oil, it’s a burning yule log you stick in your car.

Doesn’t sound so bad? Well, you have to grease the axle with reindeer bile and elf tears. The real mistake here was buying American. 3. Broken wind power

Yeah, it’s basically a fan you stick on your butt. Whenever you fart, it generates enough electricity to recharge your iPod. You’re no longer “stinking up the room”–you’re “saving the earth”!

This provision of the stimulus package nearly passed, but Joe Lieberman voted against it. Reportedly, Lieberman’s feelings were hurt that the program would not use the name he’d come up with, “Fartmills”. You broke wind. ]]> 1. Nose oil derricks

Harvesting nose oil seemed like such a great idea at first. By installing pumps on the faces of unpopular teenagers, we could not only get more energy, but also cure them of acne in the process. Plus, the derricks would make a great conversation piece when on dates, by the gym lockers, and so forth.

This project was abandoned mostly due to lobbying by ACNE Co.’s competitor, ACME. After all, ACME does have a monopoly on stupid bullshit like this.

The ACNE Co. patented nose pump.

2. Hydrogen yule cell Conceived as a way to make transportation less reliant on foreign oil, it’s a burning yule log you stick in your car. Doesn’t sound so bad? Well, you have to grease the axle with reindeer bile and elf tears.

The real mistake here was buying American.

3. Broken wind power Yeah, it’s basically a fan you stick on your butt. Whenever you fart, it generates enough electricity to recharge your iPod. You’re no longer “stinking up the room”–you’re “saving the earth”! This provision of the stimulus package nearly passed, but Joe Lieberman voted against it. Reportedly, Lieberman’s feelings were hurt that the program would not use the name he’d come up with, “Fartmills”.

You broke wind.

Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.

Causes

Though the exact causes are unknown, chronic MMO is known to be a communicable disease. Some studies suggest that it could be the result of saliva transfer on shared bottles of Mountain Dew or Jolt Cola, but those studies are considered invalidated by many because some people develop this particular condition even if they have no friends with whom they might share drinks. It is also theorized that a steady intake of caffeine, exposure to radiation from a cathode ray display, and a nocturnal sleep schedule combine to trigger this condition.

Symptoms

Chronic MMO usually causes a dramatic whitening of the skin. On the Elmer’s Paste Index, Chronic MMO patients often register skin tones from Glue-All (9.6) to Tri-Tix (9.95). In some patients a weight increase also accompanies a Chronic MMO infection, but others maintain a skeletal figure. A decrease in muscle mass almost always accompanies a Chronic MMO infection. Personal hygiene usually declines as well, frequently resulting in acne that rates on the Pizzaface Scale from Pepperoni (5.32) all the way to Supreme (7.8) or a near-fatal Meat Lover’s (9.33).

In terms of psychological effects, patients with Chronic MMO often experience a sharp decrease in interpersonal skills, and usually experience only ephemeral or utilitarian relationships with other human beings. For example, a Chronic MMO patient by necessity must occasionally confront a convenience store clerk to purchase more Mountain Dew or Jolt Energy Drink, which is a purely utilitarian relationship. They also sometimes must speak to their parents, who inevitably fund their existence, usually to confirm that the patient is still alive, or to request some sort of microwaved frozen food. Other than these connections, Chronic MMO patients generally only maintain social connections to other Chronic MMO patients through the internet, and often these connections are ones where the patient pretends to be someone completely different, usually some sort of fantasy character. On internet forums, Chronic MMO patients often voice very strong opinions about things like copyright law, the quality of the latest video games, and the ins and outs of various fantasy metal bands. Because it is so important to a Chronic MMO patient to express these strong opinions, they make very few true friendships in their internet realm.

In the worst cases of Chronic MMO, patients enter a state of being effectively dead to the rest of the world. Sometimes they are not seen by another human being for long enough that they are pronounced legally dead, which presents huge problems for them if they re-emerge into society. Chronic MMO is a common cause of accidental life insurance fraud.

How is Chronic MMO diagnosed?

Common tests for Chronic MMO include blood testing for nearly-toxic levels of Yellow 5 color additive, tests of the eyes for extreme light sensitivity, and physical tests such as the ability to lift a six-pound weight with one arm. Psychological interviews can also be used to confirm a case of Chronic MMO, usually to detect strong misanthropy or a lack of romantic involvement for an extended period of time. Sometimes the latter turns up a false positive, though, as it is also a common indicator of another disease called “ugly”.

What increases your risk?

The most at-risk populations for Chronic MMO are white and east Asian males between the ages of 12 and 26. Females of these races and ages are also at risk, but generally only if they’re the sort that always hung out with males as kids. Other risk factors include an interest in fantasy literature or anime, particularly-dorky parents, and underexposure to sunlight. Disproportionate numbers of Chronic MMO patients also are addicted to pornography, and likewise disproportionate numbers of them have never experienced a romantic relationship. It is thought that an unusual sleep schedule and overconsumption of caffeinated drinks increases the risk of developing Chronic MMO, but it is yet to be determined if that is a cause or a symptom.

How is it treated?

Chronic MMO is a difficult condition to treat. Usually the patient will resist treatment because the nihilism that Chronic MMO inspires makes them psychologically incapable of perceiving value in exercise, socialization, sunlight, or personal improvement. Some Chronic MMO patients manage to “grow out of” the illness, which often involves getting a more productive hobby or simply exercizing the willpower to stay away from their computers. If a Chronic MMO patient is forced into a normal sleep schedule, sometimes their symptoms will decrease. Some patients, if presented with an opportunity to become involved with a particularly attractive member of their desired gender, will experience a remission of Chronic MMO, but usually the condition returns after the MMO patient makes a mistake that drives the potential lover away.

Clunkline asked Reid if this was not a recipe for further disaster. He responded, “Well, if there’s one thing this bailout has proved, it’s that there’s always someone standing ready to bail someone else out. In our case, that might be foreign countries,” said Reid, whose Chinese overlords prevented him from taking further questions.

Both Presidential candidates also came out in favor of the bailout. Asked McCain, “During our last major crisis–9/11–did we blink? Did we patiently sit down at a table and think through a plan that actually made any sense? No, my friends. We acted immediately. We flailed madly about in every direction until we hit something. We threw spaghetti at the wall until it stuck. Now it’s true that in the meantime we wasted a lot of spaghetti, but my friends, I’ve never really liked pasta that much anyway.”

McCain also accused Obama of playing politics with the issue by trying to solve it and not attacking McCain. “Now is not the time for partisan attacks, or idiots like Obama,” said Tucker Bounds, McCain’s most arrogant spokesman.

Obama, meanwhile, stood on the floor of the Senate urging the bill’s passage. “Now, I know that this is not our favorite bill. It’s kind of like the pasty, acne-riddled kid in dorky glasses in 6th grade gym class. None of us like it, but we have to play the game with it anyway.

“Yesterday we saw the consequences of inaction. Taxpayers concerned about losing $700 billion cost the stock market $1.2 trillion in a single day. While these Wall Street asshats deserve nothing better than our boots up their collective anal sphincters, for the sake of the American people, we have to give them more money.”

When we asked Ben Bernanke for a comment, he responded in a stereotypically Jewish way, because you see he is Jewish and stereotypes are funny.