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Nicholas Cage is one of those special things in life that makes me throw shoes at children yelling, “Why?! Sweet Jesus, why?!” Doesn’t help that he’s always wearing a shirt that reveals his body hair and a stupid grin, looking like a puppy caught mid-shit in your bedsheets. If you’re at all like me, you wonder several times a minute how this douche became the douche he is. Luckily, Clunkline’s scientists have studied The Cage for years searching for answers to the puzzle that is Nicholas Cage. You’d have to be brain dead to have missed the buzz around Geoffry A. Rawlin’s Philosophical Zombie 2 (P-Zed2). Moviegoers delighted at the original Philosophical Zombie, a blockbuster hit which threatened to overturn the zombie horror genre. The sequel promises us a bigger story, more zombies, and more horror, all on a bigger budget. Sounds good. But as a critic, I must ask the question: does the film live up to the hype?
Mayweather Syndrome is a debilitating condition that results in audience apathy. Onset of symptoms occurs whenever Travis Mayweather opens his mouth. Shortly thereafter, the cancer of his atrocious acting metastasizes to the other cast members, eventually killing the appeal of the show. There is no known cure for Mayweather Syndrome. Two years later… I finally get a copy.
This Is: Indian Territory, 13 Minute Director’s Cut from Adam Wright on Vimeo. Okay, right off the bat, there’s one thing I don’t get. So, there’s Dr. Manhattan, right? Big giant blue guy. Can’t miss ‘im. The dude can grow to be 80 million feet tall, and make a bajillion copies of himself, and crush a tank by waving his hand around a little bit. But he can’t do something as simple as putting on a pair of friggin’ PANTS. From the Clunkline Future Affairs Correspondence Desk- March 9th, 2025 Christian Bale, 51, the disgraced ex-actor, has apparently sent himself back in time to halt production of Terminator: Salvation; the legendary 2009 flop that he feels is responsible for the destruction of his career. ABC – “Extreme Makeover: Mobile Home Edition” Running off of their success from the popular Guitar Hero franchise, Activision is going full force with the Hero title into the world of acting. “We feel that people should interact more with people outside their gaming rooms,” says newly appointed director Frédéric Crépin. He says that the game will focus on bringing groups of people together from all over the world to complete a play or musical.
For a few months last year, I worked with farkle-farkle at one of the worst companies I could possibly have chosen. I do not mince words. I could work in technical writing for twenty years, changing jobs every four months, and not find a worse place than American Sensors Corporation. The first time farkle-farkle said the name “American Sensors”, I thought she’d said “American Censors”—as if they stifle free speech and creativity. Well, it turns out that I was close. American Sensors instead stifles your will to exist. A study conducted over the course of the past year discovered that there were no differences in division-by-zero errors between a control group taught no math and a test group taught that addition was the only way to change a number. “It clearly just doesn’t work,” said math teacher Jane Michaelson, shaking her head. “We should just acknowledge that kids are going to multiply occasionally, and we need to give them the tools and knowledge to do it safely.” Bingo O’Malley is a reasonably big-name actor with an utter contempt for TV, a penchant for high-status characters, and a connection to my local theater group, Scotch ‘n’ Soda. He came and did an acting workshop once, and somehow I wound up challenging him to do some kind of improv scene and see who steals the show. Stupid idea, maybe. Until the then-Artistic Director of my improv troupe told me afterwards it was one of the best scenes I’d ever done. Personally I think I’ve done much better but it got good reviews from pretentious theater people, so hey, who am I to judge. (It’s also some of the only improv I’ve ever done that has been recorded, so… there you are.) |
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