U.S. Gives North America back to Native Americans

Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples.

“What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!”

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The Top Ten Foods I Hate

10. Red delicious apples. They don’t actually taste that bad but they’re called red delicious apples. The taste I can forgive, the arrogance I cannot.

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Triumph of the Dave and Busters

I hate Dave & Busters. I’ve hated them for a long time. It has nothing to do with their staggeringly overpriced french fries, their usurious activation fees for their cards, or that dumb way that they connect all their fans together with gears and belts. No, it runs much deeper.

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Guantanamo Bay Foreclosed

A deadline has been set for the closure of the Orwellian detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, the 250 illegally-held detainees failed to pay the mortgage.

Congress is now debating ways of bailing out the alleged terrorists who live there. This is reasonable, because if Congress bailed out AIG executives, that standard should apply to people who are less heinous assholes.

If I Did It: the Shocking Story of How I Killed O.J.’s Wife and Friend

In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece.

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Rise and Fall of a Sockpuppet: The j_wilkin Saga

Way back when the Forums were young, when farkle-farkle, nervestaple, and I lived together, when the grass was green and the economy was real, I made a mistake.

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Interview Report 9/6/08: The Penn State Student Section

IR: Hello, how are you doing today?


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Do Not Work at American Sensors

Nevermind that the owner was French.

For a few months last year, I worked with farkle-farkle at one of the worst companies I could possibly have chosen. I do not mince words. I could work in technical writing for twenty years, changing jobs every four months, and not find a worse place than American Sensors Corporation. The first time farkle-farkle said the name “American Sensors”, I thought she’d said “American Censors”—as if they stifle free speech and creativity. Well, it turns out that I was close. American Sensors instead stifles your will to exist.

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Denver Assassins Plan Carpool

With gas prices as high as they are, unusual groups have begun to cut down on mileage. Take the Cain’s Dark Markers, a white supremacist group planning to travel to the Democratic National Convention to assassinate Barack Obama. They have rented a party bus to carry their membership from Alabama to Colorado. “We don’t like payin’ at the pump any more than anybody else,” said Jim H. Wallace, the group’s spokesperson. “Just because we’re racist assholes doesn’t mean we don’t need to save a buck here and there.”

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More Fun Facts about Brad

Feeling like you haven’t had enough asinine pricks in your daily diet? Maybe you should have more Brad in your life! Nobody’s day is complete until their self-esteem is assaulted and their tastes are insulted. Brad can do both–repeatedly! Order your Brad today; the last owner will be just about fed up with him! The monetary cost is only what it takes to house an unsuccessful bromeliade potter and failed English teacher in the same bunk, but the cost on your psyche will be much more draining.

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Swing State Profile: Pennsylvania

Why A Swinger?

Pennsylvania is half enlightened East Coast state and half Rust Belt / Appalachia hellhole. Clunkline, located over the second ‘h’ in “Hellhole”, has a unique perspective on this phenomenon.

Depending on how many ignorant people the Republicans can motivate with their fear of Terror, fear of God, and fear of those who look different, Pennsylvanian elections are won or lost.

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Clunklanalysis: McCain’s VP Picks, Part I

Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick. Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.

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I KNOW How Fast I’m Going!

Waste… of… public… money.

You’ve seen them… these are the signs that police departments put in strategic locations (near schools, interstate construction, large gangbangs, etc.) in the sad and vain hope that any of us give a damn. I always thought this was why we had speedometers in our cars.

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I Can’t Think of a Funny Way to Say It, But You’re Still All Assholes

You are a bunch of cunts. You can’t have fun without getting drunk, you can’t get drunk without breaking shit, and you can’t break shit without the same horrible repetitive techno loop stuck on repeat one. Sure, I’m unable to think of a clever way to eviscerate you with words, but that’s because the extent to which you are all dumbasses exceeds my ability to describe.

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I hate driving in Pittsburgh so much.

I don’t believe I saw a sign saying “Assholes Don’t Have to Stop Here, They Can Just Continue Through the Intersection at 45 MPH on a 25 MPH Side Street In Front Of A Car That Has No Yield, Stop, or Traffic Signal.”

The giant, six-inch crocheted cross I see swinging from your rearview as I tailgate you doesn’t give me a favorable impression of all you Jesus Freaks out there either. Way to hurt your cause. I guess you were just so blinded by all the JESUS in your face that you couldn’t see the road or even remember that you were driving.

When you take your driving test, a mandatory “Are You An Asshole” test should be part of it. And if you fail it YOU DON’T GET TO DRIVE EVER. Fuck you, assholes.