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Dear Grampa Judd, Dear dear dear dear DEAR Menstruating, I had kind of a bad day for fucking things up. I ate a third of someone else’s bag of popcorn because I thought it was public. I ended a party by comparing the party to a prematurely-born baby that never made it off life support. My comment about how my comment had “finally pulled the plug” did not help. This shouldn’t surprise anybody: people don’t like assholes. Not actual assholes, the ones poop come out of, those are gross but still OK. No, what people don’t like are gen-u-ine, ruin your day, poo in your coffee, run-of-the-mill, assholes. Most everyone agrees that yes, assholes suck. Not actually suck though. Lips suck, and never on assholes. Not actual assholes, but on asshole-people. I assume that assholes rarely get kissed, like real body-assholes.
1. Being set in New York for no good reason. “Hmm. I have this uninteresting, unoriginal screenplay. It could be set in any city in America. However, I am incredibly uninspired, and I will therefore set it in New York.”
HEY! Are you feeling UNCOMFORTABLY PAINED? Like something hit your jaw and it’s KICKED YOUR ASS? Like your toothache hurts worse than being kicked by a GORILLA? Then try Nyquil! You’ll feel SO GOOD. You’ll drink it and you’ll be like “hey this tastes like the color it is. Why didn’t they make it a tastier color?” But COLORS DON’T HAVE TASTE YOU CRAZY LIBERAL!
As all of us know, the holiday season is a time for stress and violence. Going in for that perfect gift requires a sharp wit, the willingness to do harm, and shoddy, Batman-inspired weaponry. That’s why for Secret Santa this year, I opted to get (read: drunkenly stumbled upon) the perfect gift: a bat-a-rang. Some of you may remember Batman’s all-purpose throwing-dealy in the shape of a bat, others may be Canadian. In any event, an internet Boolean search for ‘generic novelty gift + super hero – gay porn’ yielded that admirable result. I quickly ordered my bat-a-rang from Blade Empire. With over twelve years in the business, surely they could suit my novelty weapon needs. But three days after ordering, this was what I received: Your order is cancelled. We can’t ship to someone else’s house.
The English language is littered with proof of the stupidity of its speakers. We have plenty of proverbs that just don’t make sense. But those don’t bother me as much as the cruelly idiotic ones that don’t make sense, and are so easily fixed that it’s amazing people spread them around without realizing they are spreading the lexical equivalent of AIDS. If you say any of these things, I hate you. |
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