Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up.

First, ya gotta actually try when you make your flag. I’m looking at you, Libya. I don’t care if green was the prophet’s color, in a world full of dull tricolours and bicolours, you can’t be the only monocolour. Throw a stripe or start or crest or something on that. What are you snickering at, Cyprus? All you did was stick a poorly drawn outline of the country on a white background. You’re a map, not a flag. Kosovo, you apparently thought this was hilarious and copied it for your own damn flag. You’re not even original in being uninspired.

Chad and Romania, stop sharing a god damn flag. At least do what Rwanda did and slap an letter on it to differentiate or have a genocide and change the damn thing.

Speaking of originality, stop copying each other. Yeah, I know ol’ glory rocks socks, and Liberia I’ll let slide because we essentially founded you (you named your capital for Monroe? Seriously? I know he helped create y’all and what not, but pick a better president), but Malaysia? Swapping fifty stars for the sun ain’t fooling nobody. Slovenia, Slovakia, and Serbia, y’all blend together. You’ve had genocides over being mistaken for each other, get a better flag than just simply stealing Russia’s and slapping an off center seal on it. Guinea, Guinea Bassau, and Guyanna, get different colors.

And oh my god the southern cross isn’t interesting. Australia, New Zealand, Papau New Guinea, and Samoa, y’all have jungles full of terrifying and poisonous beasts. Kill one of them, paste it to the flag and drop the stars.

In fact, everyone except the US, you’re abusing stars. Vietnam and Somalia, no one’s fooled. You realized that a solid color flag was stupid and just slapped a star on it. You’re a step ahead of Libya, which is like getting picked right before the fat kid in dodge ball. You’re as lazy as you are uncreative. Tuvalu, representing the orientation of the islands with stars is creative but, sadly, yours is not a good looking country. Make a ring or grid like any sensible nation. If the geometry doesn’t works out, well, with global warming you’re gonna have less stars soon anyway. And Bosnia and Herzegovina, if you’re gonna put a shit ton of stars up, at least make the damn flag big enough so they don’t get cut off. Venezuela, you’re not fooling anyone, take the stars off and give Columbia their flag back. And Israel, you’re surrounded by a bunch of nations that hate Jews, why the fuck would you put a Star of David on your damn flag?

You know what you did, Nepal. Now go to time-out.

Philippines, don’t have your war flag being your regular flag flipped upside down, that’s a recipe for disaster. You really want hundreds dead because some dumb ass private couldn’t remember if the red stripe goes on top or if the blue one does? And UK, you know your flag is slightly different upside down, I know your flag is slightly different upside down, but the world doesn’t know better. If you make flying it upside down a distress sign, make it noticeable. If your ship is sinking, the last thing you want is for your rescuers staring at the flag, wondering whether or not your god damn boat is sinking. Be more different upside down, guys, lives are at stake.

And Nepal, don’t get me started on what you did wrong.

No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers.

It turns out that Ethiopians actually do have food, they just export it all to restaurants like this. When I went, the food did look tasty. But I didn’t get to try any, because while the waiter was bringing it out, it was intercepted by a warlord.

Why do any Americans eat burritos? Those burritos migrated north of the border to take the job of a good American hoagie. Also, Mexican restaurants are funded by drug money.

And if you do go to a Mexican restaurant despite my warnings, don’t drink the soda.

Mmm-mm, I love me a good napalm-cooked crying child.

Be careful going to restaurants like this, though. Only about a third of the staff actually wants customers to be there. The other two thirds will try to force you onto the roof, into your waiting helicopter.

However delicious their cuisine may be, Iranian restaurant chains are controversial due to their denial of the existence of Israeli restaurants. The evidence in favor of the existence of matzo balls is incontrovertible, so this position is considered rather rude.

They also refuse to let in health inspectors.

Australian dishes generally consist of a rare, poisonous wild animal with a silly name. These are bludgeoned to death with cricket bats and poorly-cooked, always on a barbie. Dinners are served with wine only if you promise to attach the cork to your hat.

There are two kinds of Australian restaurants: the kind that looks like the Sydney Opera House, and the kind that looks like a shack built from straw standing in the middle of a desert. The Sydney Opera House type has restrooms whose toilets flush the wrong way, and the other has a hole in the ground infested with no fewer than thirteen million deadly spiders. Both are to be avoided.

Although most Americans hold misconceptions about this, an Australian dish will never, ever include Kiwis.

Take for instance the meaning of ‘wife’. From an Indo-German origin, the first time a woman is called a wife is usually at the conclusion of a marriage when she and her new husband are ‘pronounced man and wife’. Inspect that phrase closely and you will see that the man still gets to be a man, but the woman who was only moments before standing right there has changed into naught but a wife. In that instance she had become subservient to and worthless without that man, or at least less of a human. Our society having rejected this relic of a past belief long ago, I present this list of alternative titles for those who would be called wife which preserve our newest ideals:

- Freedom Consort
- Justice Mate
- Independence Lady
- Equal-Mistress
- Brain Concubine
- Blowjob Robot

This study will be included in the next quarterly issue of the Northern Territory Journal of Women’s Issues and Journal of International Interior Designers and Molecular Cell Biologists.

Stairway to Heaven

Led Zeppelin wrote this song when they were all shopping together at a mall in London, England. They observed a woman purchasing large amounts of healthy wheat cereal. Realizing this vital ingredient in a healthy and rewarding daily lifestyle, the guys came up with the line “she’s buying a stairway to heaven.”

House of the Rising Sun

This classic blues piece was written by an unknown American folk singer in the 19th century after he had spent some time as an astronomer’s assistant in Japan. Thus, the title is a double entendre.

Pressure Drop

Before they were musicians, Toots and the Maytals were Jamaica’s finest astronauts. They were inspired to write this, their most famous song, after they conducted an experiment of pushing a llama out into space to observe the effects.

Like a Rolling Stone

Bob Dylan was once an amateur geologist. Once while on a particularly windy day in a blasting region on a mountain with very loose boulders all around, his friend, who later fully recovered, was hit by a truck. The drama of that day inspired the song.

More than a Feeling

The members of Boston met in grade school when they were learning about human senses. (sight, smell, etc.) The rest, as they say, is history.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

It’s about sex, people. Get over it.

Never Be Rude to an Arab

Once, Terry Gilliam was visiting Arabia, and he spat in his left hand, took off his shoe with it, wiped his ass with the sole, and smothered the mess in the face of a camel salesman. The ensuing international incident and court ordered public warning/apology resulted in this song.

Space Oddity

A former KGB mole, David Bowie learned the story of the real first cosmonaut to reach outer space in the summer of 1962. The mission ended in tragedy, and the song was really a coded report of the incident to President Kennedy, NASA, NATO, and the CIA.

In financial news African markets went into an upswing today as the Green Union collected its fifth Risk card. Now forced to play to gain reinforcements, speculators are convinced that the traditionally defensive Greens will take the attack, instead of just “sitting there while blue is totally open,” according to Yellow economic advisers.

Unrest is growing between Black and Yellow forces over Yellow’s colony in Kamchatka. Black forces in Asia are calling for a peaceful secession of the Siberian peninsula, lost over two turns ago, back to their holdings. Yellow is refusing to cede the colony, however, citing concerns over black’s growing hegemony in a territory worth seven soldiers per turn as well as accusations against Black of genocide towards Reds who have mysteriously disappeared from their former territories in south-west Asia. Yellow “could have sworn” Red had more forces in the middle east before Black swept them away, but a failure to produce any evidence of the vanished Red soldiers leaves the accusations baseless.

Experts are concerned about the lack of activity from Red’s final stronghold. There is still no news out of Australia. The continent went dark early on in the current global conflict, blockading Siam and holding there while their mid east territories fell to black. While the Australians only receive 5 armies per turn, they have suffered no additional casualties in this war, and many fear a final push through southeast Asia and across the world, similar to the “Blue Blitzkrieg” across Europe three turns ago that was finally stopped at the Greenland border. For now, Red waits behind her lines, and Yellow military advisers view the tiny isolationist power as a major thorn in their side, just waiting to turn the world order on its head.

Yellow’s offers for a gentleman’s truce with Green have officially failed. Citing its own border control issues, the Green Union said, “I don’t want to be kicked out early just because I’m your buffer state.” Yellow’s retorting argument of, “You’re leaving in twenty minutes anyway, what’s the big deal?” fell upon deaf ears. While officially the two factions are on cordial terms, relations have become strained. While Green insists the move is purely diplomatic and has nothing to do with the fact that Yellow asked “that girl” out first, Yellow is fuming over the issue, declaring, “what kind of bullshit rules make Africa more valuable than south America, anyway?”

Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen, Greenland has continued to hold the line. Initial reports of “What the hell is this?” are coming in as a force of twenty Blue armies has been systematically decimated by the defending Yellows who have rolled an unprecedented six straight sixes. Reports are now coming in of accusations of war crimes as Blue insists that Yellow is “cheating with fixed dice or something.” But the world community does not seem to be buying it, instead offering Blue command the advice of, “suck it up, it’s only a game.”

This just in, massive seismic activity reported throughout the world! There are reports of armies flying clear off the land, the heavens spinning as though the world itself were flipping end over end and darkness has settled over the lands. Gravity seems to have inverted itself, and the populace is confused. Religious leaders are drawing a connection between these events and the old creation myths that talk of the world unfolding to glorious light and that predict that once more we shall be folded into darkness. Initial reports seem to indicate Blue somehow caused this devastation, with Yellow placing unilateral sanctions upon Blue to repair the damages caused by insisting that Blue, “pick all this up.” Blue command seems to have responded in the negative with offensive hand gestures.

At this moment, we can only speculate as to how these events will affect the joint settlement of Catan scheduled for “same time, same place,” next week, but if past breakdowns in Blue-Yellow relations in Diplomacy are any indication, it is safe to say that Blue will not be taking part.