“District 9?” Please! Compared to “Die Hard” that movie might as well be “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” Bruce Willis sure as hell didn’t need to use any special effects to get rid of a hotel full of angry Germans! Just his fists, a few bullets, and an AWESOME catchphrase.

And I’ve heard what you people are saying about that “Avatar” movie too. “Non-stop action?” Really? Here’s the thing about non-stop action: it’s not supposed to stop. I distinctly remember pauses for dialogue and exposition in that snooze-fest. You think Jackie Chan had time to stop and explain what was happening in “Legend of Drunken Master?” No! He was too busy KICKING people in the FACE.

BOOO-RING!

Really, you think that watching BUILDINGS or CARS explode counts as exciting? That’s about as exciting as watching paint explode! You know what’s exciting? PEOPLE exploding! Now THAT’s action! I tried watching “Surrogates,” and not ONE PERSON explodes in that whole movie! You know what movie has people exploding in it? “Total Recall” does! Because THAT movie doesn’t SUCK!

And finally, what’s with the names you people are giving your movies these days? “Surrogates?” What the hell does THAT tell me about the movie, other than it SUCKS? You know what an action movie title sounds like? “Sudden Death!” Now THAT’S a title! If you don’t know that one, it’s a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie that’s EXACTLY like “Die Hard,” except it takes place in a hockey rink instead of a hotel, which means it’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Honestly, if Jean Claude Van Damme’s character from that movie (I don’t remember his name, but it’s OKAY because in a GOOD action movie their names don’t MATTER!) ever met one of today’s so-called “action” heroes, he could pound any of them into pizzas even with one arm hacked off with a CHAINSAW– because that’s how people DID THINGS in those days!

(Jake / Paul) is seen as an outsider until he mates with a local girl and passes the right of manhood. Eager for vengeance against (the corporation / House Harkonen) for their brutal rape of the world for the precious (unobtanium / spice), a clear analogy for (oil / oil), (Jake / Paul) sets out to unite the tribes together for a final assault by mastering how to ride a (weird bird bat thing / weird worm thing). Despite all odds, the technologically inferior primitives defeat the technological might of their foes, liberating the world and ending happily.

Visually, the movie is stunning with (millions/thousands) spent on state-of-the-art effects. Highlights of the film include a (forgettable / amazing) soundtrack by (the guy who did the “Titanic” soundtrack / mother fucking Sting), cameos by (the sort of hot chick from “Aliens” / the bald captain from Star Trek), and the use of kick-ass looking (VTOL’s / ornithopters) for all transit needs.

(Avatar / Dune) is in theaters (now / 25 years ago)

Christian Bale, 51, the disgraced ex-actor, has apparently sent himself back in time to halt production of Terminator: Salvation; the legendary 2009 flop that he feels is responsible for the destruction of his career. “By the time you see this, it will be too late to stop me,” said Bale in a pre-recorded holo-message that was posted on CNN’s Mental Uplink yesterday. “Soon, my career will be renewed.”

“I’ll be back,” said the 4 dimensional avatar of Bale later in the message, while donning a pair of black biker shades.

In addition to playing John Connor in Terminator: Salvation, a performance widely compared to a dysentery outbreak, Bale is best known for playing Batman in Batman Begins and its six sequels: The Dark Knight, Batman Finds Bin Laden, Batman and Robin (a remake of the 1996 classic, featuring Shia La Beouf’s first appearance as Robin), Batman vs. the Wolfman, You Got Served…By Batman! (the last project Andrew Lloyd Webber completed before his death in 2014), and most recently, Full Frontal Batman, which also marked the beginning of Bale’s current status as a gay camp icon. However, for much of the past 10 years Bale has been a virtual Hollywood non-entity, finding occasional work in gay pornography and cheap Blaxploitation flicks.

“He was always moaning about how it had all gone wrong. He was always looking for a way to right the mistakes of the past,” said 5-time Best Director winner Uwe Boll and a close friend of Bale. “I offered him a spot in my upcoming film, an adaptation of the classic 80s arcade game Tron, but he refused. He said the last thing he needed was to fight against another malevolent computer.”

The details of Bale’s time machine are not known. The Cosmological Self-Consistency Treaty signed in 2021 of course, strictly prohibits all unlicensed time travel. Indeed, there is already speculation that the United Nations’ Timecop division will deploy Chief Inspector Max Walker to halt any attempt by Bale to tamper with the Space-Time Continuum.

“Time machines are too dangerous for humans to use,” said Doctor “Doc” Emmett Brown, Adjunct Professor of Quantum Physics at Hill Valley University and noted collector of antique DeLoreans. “What if Bale, using his knowledge of the future, placed bets on, let us say, the Lions to win the Super Bowl in 2010,2011, and 2012? I know their dynasty seems obvious in hindsight, but those bets back then would win him a fortune. Who know what sort of dystopian, cyberpunk future that might send us to?”

Doc Brown was later heard to mutter to himself: “I wish I had never built that infernal Time Machine.”

Bale, for his part, seems to have anticipated such criticisms. He ends his message by promising, that, once his primary mission is complete, he will attempt to undo 2009’s other big mistake.

“I will kill President Obam-sorry, I almost spoke You-Know-Who’s name, but anyway, I will assassinate him. I promise. And to all those who would try and stop my plans, look into the eyes of the thousands of orphan beggars and child prostitutes outside your door. Look into their eyes and then tell me my cause is not just.” Clunkline was forced to admit that anything, even the revival of Bale’s acting career and the unraveling of the Space-Time Continuum, would be worth saving all those billions from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s megalomania.

Anyway, I personally believe the editorial staff should find it within themselves to endorse a true man of our time, and every other time that happened to be around an election for the last many, many years, Ralph Nader.

Oh, I know what you’re all thinking: Ralph Nader is a joke and should have stopped wasting his time at least eight years ago, and you’re absolutely right, but hear me out. First of all, Ralph Nader is in the Green Party. Why is that significant? Well, green is a pretty cool color. I look good in green. My car’s green. Money is green. I live in Greensburg. Beer is green at least one day each year. Grass is green, and it’s even greener on the other side of the fence. You turn green when you’re going to vomit. I rest my case.

But not yet. Secondly, think about what their names sound like. Let’s start with the first names. “Mike” is probably one of the most common names out there, and it’s fantastically boring. Plus, it’s a Christian name. We don’t want to encourage that voting population. Ralph has to do with barfing, and barfing is hilarious, and hilarious things are cool. Therefore Ralph is a cool name. And then there’s the question of the last names. Gravel, though ostensibly pronounced “Gruh-vèll”, is still just a bunch of little rocks. Nader sounds like “Nadir”, which is a word that they use in Science Fiction a lot, and Science Fiction is cool, so Nader is cool. It’s irrefutable.

Plus, Clunkline’s symbolic representation of itself as a failed Soviet tank-with-wings… What could be a closer match to every Ralph Nader campaign? It’s something that was destined to fail from the very moment of its inception, just like our Antonov AN-40 avatar.

Need I say more?