1. Robert Plant is gonna leave you, he said baby, you know he’s gonna leave you, he’ll leave you when the summer comes a-rollin’, leave you when the summer comes along. (Led Zeppelin – “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”)
2. Someone named Jamie is crying. (Van Halen – “Jamie’s Cryin’”)
3. Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone. (The Rolling Stones – “Ruby Tuesday”)
4. Roger Daltrey, whose heart is like a broken cup, really wants to know who you are. (The Who – “Who Are You”)
5. A kazoo solo makes for an amusing song. (Pink Floyd – “Corporal Clegg”)
Thong Man made another appearance on our forums recently. Having found a second image of him, I figured, well hey, time to do another Photoshop article, right?
But this time, he got his revenge, because all the other writers were too revolted by his appearance to touch it with a 10-foot-long magnetic lasso.
So with that introduction, if you click “Read the Full Article” below, I’ll accept no blame whatsoever if you don’t like what you see.
Roger was probably the most unfortunate of targets of Ronnie’s e-mails. Her e-mails to Roger were the most frequent and the least comprehensible, and they all addressed practical matters, so he had to actually translate them from “idiot” to English and then act on them. Combine this with the fact that Roger has less tolerance for stupidity than most in our company, and you got a very bad work relationship.
The original, wherein Wallgrampa poses for all the internet.
Being Wallgrampa, his biopic.
This image of a cheery but bizarrely-clothed Russian tourist appeared in Burpen’s Samba article a few months back. Although not as repulsive as the infamous awkward.jpg, the only thing stopping us from photoshopping him into strange situations months ago was our lack of time. But now, with finals looming for the students among us, excuses not to work are treasured.
Today I found PFC Wilson sleeping in a broken garbage disposal unit. He said he had thought it was his bed. When I asked him how long he had been sleeping there, his saddened reaction indicated that he had been using it as his bunk since we launched from Detria Station six months ago. This puzzled me, because the disposal unit had been operational until two weeks ago. He said that sleeping in an operational garbage disposal unit was difficult, but not impossible; that he would roll out of it every hour to avoid getting crushed and salvage what bedding he could, though he frequently lost pillowcases and sheets to its hungry maw, but he had also wondered why people always threw garbage at him.
So I’ve got a lot of time to think, and the realization has dawned on me: I do a lot of unusual things. Mostly small quirks that nobody would really notice, but sometimes it seems like I’m going against humanity by altering the norm. I have thus compiled a list of some of the things most people do not do, yet seem perfectly normal to me. I intend to muse upon them, and give my rationale as to why I do such things as avoid internet speak, prefer to walk to my destination whenever feasible, and move rhythmically. Here’s round one.
“Can I have a pair of volunteers to read this scene between Helena and Demetrius?” asked Prof. Thornton of his class. “Okay, Nigel… anyone else? Anyone?”
Last time, you joined us as we took Thong-Man and photoshopped him into something more comfortable. This time, well, is exactly the same as last time, basically.
A few days ago, I gave the Clunkline writers an assignment: to find the lost history of this man. My gut told me that he had probably led a much more storied life than this pallid snapshot seems to indicate, and we should give him credit for the good he’s done humanity.
I turned out to be correct! Around every one of history’s corners, there he stands, staring blankly at the camera as the drool drips down his neckbeard.
At a campaign event in Baton Rouge, Michelle Obama introduced John Edwards while “Rock You Like a Hurricane” blared over the loudspeakers. The incident was described by an Obama spokesperson as “unfortunate”, and was waved off as a “loudspeaker malfunction”. Public outcry was muted, as most people in the area were busy evacuating.
Thank you so much for inviting us to your dinner party last week. Stephanie, Frederick, Marlene, and I all had the most marvelous time. It is somewhat disconcerting, however, that the rest of our group died gruesomely on the way in.
It’s common knowledge that Michael Moore plans to release a new film before the 2008 election, which he describes as a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11. Yesterday, I had the honor of sitting down with Michael Moore one-on-one and discussing its themes in another exclusive interview for Clunkline.
Tanzmetall: So tell me about your new film. Moore: Well, I wanted to elaborate further on the excesses of the Bush administration and their willful ignorance of the Constitution, which Bush once described as a “scrap of paper.” As I so humorously say in the film, “scrap of toilet paper, more like!” Ha ha ha! Because they wipe their butts with it, you see.
I ate a third of someone else’s bag of popcorn because I thought it was public. I ended a party by comparing the party to a prematurely-born baby that never made it off life support. My comment about how my comment had “finally pulled the plug” did not help.
The customer enters the store. He pours himself a cup of coffee, tearing open two packs of Sweet ‘n’ Low and dumping them into the cup. He takes a little stirrer and stirs it up, trying to ensure equal distribution of cancer throughout the coffee. He then takes a lid and covers his concoction, grabs a muffin, and approaches the counter.
“Is that all?” The cashier asks.
“Yeah.”
The cashier keys in the coffee and scans the muffin.
The register reads PRICE NOT FOUND.
“Oops… that one’s not scanning.” The cashier says.
“Oh, then it MUST BE FREE!! Heh-heh-heh!” The customer grins.
And that is how a regular old customer becomes a stabbing victim.
