2. When I’m done peeing, I don’t wash my hands unless I peed on them. If there’s no pee on them, what’s the point?

3. When I’m done peeing, I don’t wash my hands even if I peed on them. Water is just glorified pee. I’ve effectively already rinsed.

4. I don’t wear condoms. What do I care if she gets pregnant? It’s not like I would have to take care of the baby! Besides, skin is basically a condom you don’t have to pay for.

5. I don’t take care of babies. (See #4.)

6. I don’t have sex. (See #’s 4 and 5.)

7. Pay taxes. If the government’s so smart, why are they so dumb? I totally came up with a solution to the recession. If you have unemployment and not enough money, give people ball-point pens and pay them to draw money. DUH. Also, I’m against government-run socialized firefighting. If you can’t afford firefighters, you didn’t earn them.

8. I can’t afford firefighters. I gave all my money to a man who said he ran a charity to help cats that are dangling off the edge of a cliff. This doesn’t really fit on the list, but I feel that it is important.

9. Read Marmaduke. Seriously, who the fuck reads Marmaduke?

Maverick
A word whose reputation will never recover from guilt by association with John McCain.

Oil companies
Always used for a big, evil, faceless reductio ad Hitlerum. There were arguments here once, but at this point, it’s all just garbage.

Folksy
Can we all finally admit that when people say Palin is “folksy”, they mean “Palin is dumber than a self-digesting amoeba”?

Main Street
No place I’ve lived has had a Main Street. And judging by the way its residents are talked about, I firmly believe that people who live there are idiots.

Bush-McCain
McCain is bad enough that Obama should be able to win against him. If he can’t, that is a problem.

Change
It actually makes some sense when Obama uses it, since he has specific policy proposals that came first and a slogan that came after, but with McCain using it, it has no impact on me anymore–which was perhaps the point.

Paying at the Pump
I hate, hate, hate this phrase. I don’t even know what it is about it. Maybe the implication that I would ever vote based on something so mundane and everyday and fucking boring as gas dollars. Maybe the artless alliteration. Maybe I just hate gas stations. Maybe I hate YOU. I think that’s it.

Raising your taxes
He doesn’t want to. Stop telling barefaced lies.

Hockey Mom
Palin is only good for two things: appealing to the shallowest of identity-politics voters, and being a blank, idea-free slate onto which McCain can project whatever policies he wants. Any time she says she’s a hockey mom, remember it’s because she isn’t really anything better.

Namedrop of an anecdotal person who said they can’t pay for something
Nobody ever tells stories about me, even when I’m more interesting.

Reform
Taking on people slightly more corrupt than you, and only when it is beneficial to your career, does not make you a reformer. It makes you an opportunist. Violating, or even skirting, campaign finance laws you helped write, does not make you a reformer. It makes you an inconsistent hypocrite. This word drowned in a sea of lies.

Out of touch
This, and the McCain camp variant, “doesn’t get it”, are great ways of writing off arguments without answering them.

Middle Class
None of you are middle-class.

Joe Sixpack
Jesus Christ, Palin, shut the fuck up.

Pros	Pros
Tim Kaine would give Obama Virginia. Narrowly.	Jim Webb would give Obama Virginia. Narrowly.
Cons	Cons
Kaine was not a Clinton supporter, and therefore offers no “Unity” ticket, opting instead for a “Suck It, Hillary” ticket.	Jim Webb came under fire for saying that there shouldn’t be women in the military, since they are for making babies. However, a recent factcheck.org report concludes that women are, in fact, for making babies.
Fun Facts	Fun Facts
* Tim Kaine killed Tim Abel. (Just like McCain killed McAbel.) * Kaine’s slogan when running for Governor in 2000 was “Gimme Some Sugar: Kaine ’00.” Bruce Campbell threatened a lawsuit over the use of his phrase, saying Kaine had stooped to “Duke Nukem lows” to get that slogan. Kaine insisted it was just a harmless pun. Campbell shot back that it was a retarded pun and that he should be shot. Kaine responded that, as a Christian man, he couldn’t say what he really thought of Campbell. This remark prompted an outcry from the Frank Baum estate. Kaine and the entertainment industry have not spoken since. * Fun Facts about people I don’t dislike are more boring because then I just pun off of their names. * Tim Kaine likes sitting in his governor’s chair and pretending it is the command throne on the Starship Enterprise. He insists on calling his Lieutenant Governor “Number Two” and makes believe that he is fully bald. * Tim Kaine’s name is an anagram of “Ain’t Mike”. Which he ain’t. He’s Tim.	Webb’s Vietnamese wife and John McCain could re-enact McCain’s participation in the Vietnam War. * Jim Webb could employ his writing abilities to create phamplets to distribute throughout the states like Thomas Paine did in the Revolution. These phamplets would probably point out that Webb fought in Vietnam just like McCain did, but didn’t let the enemy capture him, therefore making him a better person in every way. * Jim Webb reminds you of your middle school gym teacher, and you’re not quite sure why. * Jim Webb is presently drafting a controversial choose-your-own-adventure book about the VP selection process. In the book, if Obama picks him, the world is saved from nuclear holocaust; if Obama does not, Webb stands by and does nothing when he sees a sniper move into place at Denver. The book is scheduled to be released right before the convention. * Either Webb, Kaine, or Clark will be Obama’s VP, or I will shave my head. And by my head, I mean the part on the front that also grows hair. The beard, I think is the word for that.

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