Spurred on by Arizona legislature’s new immigration law, the federal government has now taken action to end illegal immigration. Permanently. Like, all of it.
Arizona’s law requires that potential illegal immigrants (e.g. Hispanic people) have immigration documents on them at all times. Supporters and critics of the measure alike agree that it’s the toughest measure on immigration ever seen in the U.S., or at least they did, until today.
Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.
Ladies, gentlemen, and members of Tardigrade species for whom gender has no meaning… I welcome you to the twilight of humanity. For centuries, these worthless fools have debated the numbers of angels dancing on the heads of pins, while they should have been counting the numbers of us who were on those pins, killing those angels.
Immediately after his inauguration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama pushed the Magic Economic Reset Button located in the Oval Office. The Magic Reset Button immediately fixed various complex problems without any short-term sacrifices or any need for patience.
President-Elect Barack Obama and President George Bush had a meeting last Thursday to discuss national security matters. However, the meeting quickly got sidetracked when Obama noticed Bush’s Collector’s Edition Risk set.
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
On Sunday, Colin Powell, fated to be the second black President, endorsed Barack Obama, ensuring he will become the first. “McCain has been kind of a dick lately,” said Powell in his announcement. “If he didn’t pal around with Steve Schmidt, we’d be having a different conversation today. I was kind of hoping to be the first myself, but… but Sarah Palin? Really?”
Pool reporters were stunned Thursday when Mitt Romney greeted them on the campaign plane with his trademark grin—instead of Sarah Palin, whom the reporters were fairly sure had been the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. Romney, attempting a Bluff check, smiled away most doubts that he had always been McCain’s VP.
In an FEC-sanctioned contest, Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sarah Palin (R-AK) will square off in a one-on-one basketball match to determine the winner of this tossup state. The measure is already being praised as “more fair than the Electoral College” by commentators hoping it is a standard soon to be used nationwide.
A short while ago, on a whim, I taught myself to play the accordion. I had a hunch that somehow, knowing this instrument would open doors for me, if I wanted to do comedy. (No idea where I got a crazy idea like that.)
