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From the Clunkline Future Affairs Correspondence Desk- March 9th, 2025 Christian Bale, 51, the disgraced ex-actor, has apparently sent himself back in time to halt production of Terminator: Salvation; the legendary 2009 flop that he feels is responsible for the destruction of his career. Paul Newman is dead. He was scheduled to be Nolan’s next Joker. Yes, I’m kidding. No, I didn’t know who he was before he died.
My fellow readme writer and I had finished our production of Batman 3: Tom Cruise as Batman. I was thrilled about the first screening… until I saw it. Paul had thrown in a bunch of pointless porn scenes. I was furious. “Paul… you fucked it up, you fucked up our vision,” I said, shaking my head. “It was supposed to be a surprise,” he said. “I thought you’d like it. I thought you liked porn.” But what Paul didn’t understand was that now I couldn’t post it to Clunkline without fucking around with the way my ads display, due to legal technicalities.
As all of us know, the holiday season is a time for stress and violence. Going in for that perfect gift requires a sharp wit, the willingness to do harm, and shoddy, Batman-inspired weaponry. That’s why for Secret Santa this year, I opted to get (read: drunkenly stumbled upon) the perfect gift: a bat-a-rang. Some of you may remember Batman’s all-purpose throwing-dealy in the shape of a bat, others may be Canadian. In any event, an internet Boolean search for ‘generic novelty gift + super hero – gay porn’ yielded that admirable result. I quickly ordered my bat-a-rang from Blade Empire. With over twelve years in the business, surely they could suit my novelty weapon needs. But three days after ordering, this was what I received: Your order is cancelled. We can’t ship to someone else’s house. |
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