Ebonics Gloves

And then buy them wit'cho cash money

And then buy them wit'cho cash money

Old War Stories with Grandpa Simon and Grandma Tanzy

My buddy Bill from Boot.

I just got back from my 8th tour of duty. After the 3rd, they stop giving you tour guides.

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Rise and Fall of a Sockpuppet: The j_wilkin Saga

Way back when the Forums were young, when farkle-farkle, nervestaple, and I lived together, when the grass was green and the economy was real, I made a mistake.

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The House of the Rising Sun (post-Katrina version)

Yee-haw! Just like them old folksy tunes that Paw used to play on the ol’ banjukelele. Stomp up a storm, grab your partner (by the hand, you pervert!), and swing your arms in that ol’ Main Street America Joe Sixpack do-si-do. …But mostly just read it.


There was, a house, in New Orleans
they called, the Risin’, Sun
but Katrina, came in, and took all the women and gin,
and now, the house, is gone.

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Denver Assassins Plan Carpool

With gas prices as high as they are, unusual groups have begun to cut down on mileage. Take the Cain’s Dark Markers, a white supremacist group planning to travel to the Democratic National Convention to assassinate Barack Obama. They have rented a party bus to carry their membership from Alabama to Colorado. “We don’t like payin’ at the pump any more than anybody else,” said Jim H. Wallace, the group’s spokesperson. “Just because we’re racist assholes doesn’t mean we don’t need to save a buck here and there.”

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“If I Seen an Elephant Fly!”

“Negro Bits” didn’t make it through the marketing people.

Clinton is Winning the Hotly-Contested War for Stupid Voters

In recent days, Hillary Clinton has tried to get the nomination by appealing overtly to stupid voters. The two biggest examples of this are her handling of the Wright non-controversy, and her even more imaginary “Bittergate”. In both cases, someone on Obama’s side was accused of saying something “offensive”, usually to small-town, white Americans. The problem? Nearly everything those people said was true.

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Welcome to the Hyper-Local Civic Dojo. There is No Mercy Here. Part 1!

Today we bring you a taste of madness, a bit like the Ronnicles, but from the opposite direction. Rather than exhibit for your viewing pleasure a person whose reading moneys are grossly underfunded, we bring you a veritable plutocrat of words. I present for your scrutiny the works of Ken Warren, public librarian of Lakewood, Ohio, a Cleveland suburb.

This man spoke recently at my college. He is known by someone who knows a professor, who got him invited. This man is mad. What follows is a series of excerpts from a paper he presented to his lecture’s audience, some of which is available online.

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Road Rage: The Stupid Things People Do With Their Cars

Here I rant about why driving around every day can, even without people on their phones trying their best to kill you, be an incredibly frustrating affair.

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Why would they put a powderkeg in a bunch of mountains?

Kosovo has just surpassed Europe as the greatest country in the world.

Like American water fountains in the 40s, it is segregated into white people and black people. The white people are called Albanians, which comes from Einstein’s first name, since his hair is the same color as their skin. The black people are called Serbians, because, um, Nikola Tesla made them that way.

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Ten reasons why the Diamondback Outlook is Better than Serbia

VS.

…You need reasons?

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Soulja Boy: Societal Cancer

If there is one word to adequately describe Soulja Boy’s success, that word is “inexplicable”.

Hip-hop perpetuates its own hackneyed aspects. Soulja Boy, as far as I can tell, is an overblown mockery of several of these aspects. He’s ridiculously exaggerated to the extent that you think, there’s no way this guy is possibly serious. And yet he is.

“Horrendous miscarriage of pop culture” approaches the magnitude of his failure.

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