Whoa. I am soooooo wasted right now. Like, you have no idea. Yeah, it’s awesome. Isn’t it awesome? Don’t you think I’m awesome? I think I’m awesome. Did I mention how totally smashed I am right now? Because I am.
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Like many of you whose girlfriend has left them for another species, I often find myself comparing my penis to that of many animals. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to degrade yourself, I went to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, home of more than 245 preserved penises to learn about the wonders of the animal penis kingdom. In Part I, I discussed how writers of television shows, books, and films often write with diametrically-opposing agendas. Today, I’m gonna use the exact same formula, because unlike Leonard Nimoy, I’m not a flip-flopper.
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1. List of Cheap and Useful College Textbooks 2. List of Surprisingly-Cordial Sex Offenders
In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece. In the past month I have rediscovered the local library, and boy, it has changed. Okay, not really. It still has books, it still has the same computers, the same people… I guess really the only difference is that they’re now in a joint venture with other surrounding libraries making more books available. This required me to get a new library card, as mine was literally over ten years old, but the benefits were worth it. One of the new features is the ability to ‘check-out’ audiobooks online for free. Granted, it isn’t the best selection in the world, but there are quite a few books that I had been meaning to read but hadn’t the time. With audiobooks, I can zone out at work (as usual) and immerse myself in the world literally streaming into my head. The first book I checked out and finished (the I, Robot one had a bad sector that won’t transfer properly, so I’m stuck halfway through) is Eragon. Ha ha, that title tricked you into reading something boring. In the interests of full disclosure: this article is not about Anus McKringle, so you can stop now if you don’t care about politics. You know the feeling you get while watching Lord of the Rings… In the middle of the trilogy, you don’t expect it to ever really end. On an intellectual level, you know it will, and you may have even seen it before or have read the books and know how it does, but it goes on for so long, and it drags you down into such a feeling of futility and hopelessness, that you never really believe it will? It just feels like Frodo will always be walking towards Mordor. Likewise, to me, it feels like Bush will always be a lame duck, and Obama will asymptotically approach the presidency, but never actually attain it. The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative. We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”. In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”. Jesus’s death in last month’s issue of The Bible was applauded by some as a gutsy move on the part of publisher INRI Comics, but one which offended many longtime fans of the series. However, Jesus’s return from the dead this month, while popular with many fans, was criticized by some as being a cheap save. “Jesus is the son of God, but he’s not Superman,” said Jonah Arcott, long-time con-goer. “You can’t expect him to rise from the dead every other issue.” |
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