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I think of my phone like I think of my toilet. Once every three years, I peer into its darkest, most mold-encrusted corners and briefly contemplate cleaning it. I scrape off two layers of caked shit-dust and gag. Then I give up. Also, I rub my face against it, but that is a story for another day.
I was up late that night. Graveyard shift at the campus apartments. A dispute down the hall resulted in a pathetic and somewhat hairy student coming to me complaining about one asian in particular, and asians in general. He also said he needed a new scrunchie, but I couldn’t help him there. A single RA can only do so much to stem the asian invasion and conjure up scrunchies. The best kind of cake since Bukkake! Hitachi Okinawa was a disturbed elderly man who appeared in the streets of Kyoto on February 23, 1935, smelling of sake and wearing clothes made entirely of rice-cakes. By noon, police had noticed his odor, his tendency to scare pigeons, and his lewd glares at women and young boys. In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!* Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods. Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change. Ingredients: 1 Oreo crust
The Logic of Ronnie I’ve already pointed out a few examples of situations in which Ronnie makes very bizarre logical errors, but there are plenty more available. They follow. A compiled list of various write-in candidates from the 2006 CMU student senate elections. It amuses me, who knows, maybe you’ll come away feeling good about the world too. Student Body President: Student Body VP of finance:
I am writing to you as a representative of the people of Wales. I understand that you are very busy freeing South America from the tyrannical grip of a decadent Spain, but I sincerely hope you will have a chance to read my heartfelt appeal. I’d been playin’ them all from the start. I took a drag from my cigarette and kicked Tanzmetall in the ribs. Nothing but a bloody death rattle from him. He was a goner for sure, and by lucky chance he had saved me some work. NDP was down, and I made sure he stayed down for good. Administrator: Meeting has started. Fun fact about your favorite Clunkline author, nom de pomme: I’m left handed! That right, I’m a southpaw underhanded sinister guy. Here’s the thing, the world isn’t, and I fucking hate it. Somewhere in a parallel universe, I am the most coordinated person in the world. In this reality, however, I constantly fail at direction and mechanics because of my… orientation. |
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