Clunkipedia: Groaty Dick.

Groaty Dick.

According to Wikipedia, Groaty Dick “. . .is a traditional dish from the Black Country in England.” 300 This means that it qualifies as “soul food,” which may come as a surprise to some. Groaty dick is made from “. . .groats, beef, leeks, onions, and beef stock [and a bunch of other shit].” π

Groaty Dick is most commonly found in Tanzmetall’s pants.YEP Generally modern scientists believe that the dick in Tanzmetall’s pants got so groaty from his habit of putting it in toothless hookers. However, a recent study indicates that it may also be the result of having sex with mountains of dromedary feces. EW

300. Groaty Dick. Wikipedia. Accessed 23/1/10.
π. Groaty Dick. Wikipedia. Accessed 23/1/10.
YEP. I looked there. It’s pretty groaty.
EW. Harris, Krautbaumer, et al. “Making Connections: A study of Tanzmetall’s genitalia and dromedary excreta in sexual contexts.” American Journal of Things More Important than Cancer and Aids. Vol. 4 Issue 13, 24-41.

Paging Dr. Phlox: Enterprise Suffers from Mayweather Syndrome

His wiki says he’s “quiet”. Wonder why they wrote him that way….

Mayweather Syndrome is a debilitating condition that results in audience apathy. Onset of symptoms occurs whenever Travis Mayweather opens his mouth. Shortly thereafter, the cancer of his atrocious acting metastasizes to the other cast members, eventually killing the appeal of the show.

There is no known cure for Mayweather Syndrome.

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Rabies, Scabies, and Babies

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Why Not Us: My Time In the Senate with Al Franken

I have no idea who that guy in the middle is.

Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection.

July 19, 2009

Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo!

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Announcer Wins Wrestling Championship

In a surprise upset, wrestling announcer Maximilian “Maxx” Heavyweights won the Heavyweight title in the Thunder Mountain Wrestling Xtreem Championship, announced “Maxx” Heavyweights on Tuesday.

Things started to go badly for the two contestants about halfway through the final match of the championship.

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From the Text Message In/Outbox of Brian Jacques

hey brian what r u doin for dinner tonight

Well, my good fellow, I have prepared a delectable meal of honeyed buttermilk scones, complemented with a fruit salad of pears, strawberries, and blueberries, covered with a fine whipped cream.

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This Day In History – Famous Inventors Edition

On this day in…

1879 John H. Cancer discovered cancer.
1744 Nicholas Juice developes the Fruitcrushotrope.

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Popular New Cell Phones and their Uses by Lucky Goldstar and Apple Phones

EightyEight – Function as a flux capacitor.

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Capitalism Saves the Environment

Want to feel like you’re doing your part to fight climate change without the hassle of actually doing anything useful? Hopefully you do, according to recreation industry insiders. The latest band-aid to cure you of your potentially-terminal cancer? Sequestering excess carbon into your lungs via single-use smoke-administration devices.

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Old Ladies: Short Butchy Haircuts Look BAD!

With age comes many things… Wisdom, respect, cancer, incontinence, and senility all are hallmarks of aging. If you’re an aging woman, however, there is another rite of passage that you must perform before you have truly aged. You must get your hair chopped short and start wearing kitten sweaters.

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McCain Flip-Flops on Race

A recent John McCain press release seemed to suggest that McCain was part-black. Observers cried foul, noting that this is an election year flip-flop from a candidate who consistently voted White when the issue came up in the Senate. Obama, who outlined his own blackness in a proposal drafted in October 2007, claimed that McCain was trying to cash in on record black registration, and said it was the “same old Washington politics with the same old Washington players,” even though no other politician in history has ever claimed to be black.

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A play in two acts by Vincent Brown


JIM and TOM are somewhere. TOM wants JIM to write about two things: either carrots, or BEES.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama’s VP Picks, Part III

Sam “Who?” Nunn
John “Jennings Bryan” Edwards
Sam “Who?” Nunn is a man of mystery. Who is he? How many ice ages has he survived? I have no fucking clue. Apparently he has national security creds or something but they must be from the dawn of history, and no cuneiform tablets survived to tell us what exactly it was that he did. John “Jennings Bryan” Edwards is a populist who keeps running, and yet keeps standing in place. Edwards has been known at times to vent his anger and rage by getting his hair cut in a dashing new style. He never quite ascends to the Presidency, forever doomed to be the best-looking also-ran except for the man pictured to his left.

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Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

I’ve just thought of a very frightening reason the potential for a McCain presidency is so dangerous.

John McCain is really old. He’s 71. Most people don’t even make it that far before cancer whisks them down under a big bunch of dirt. That has led people to conclude that it’s important when looking at McCain to also look at who he chooses as a running mate. The running mate is likely to at least get a good year or so in for the presidency if McCain is elected, ’cause he’ll die. Now comes the scary part.

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Well, you fucked it up, Pennsylvania.

You voted for a candidate who uses stupidity as a wedge issue.

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