I ran out of time looking for houses over the summer, so now I’m subletting for two months and moving into a new, awesomer place in August.
The place where I’m living is not bad; the house is beautiful, and my room is rather nice – spacious, and just a bit on the humid side. Some of my housemates are mixed up in entirely the wrong crowd, so much so that when Dr. Subtle told me over the phone last night that one of my housemates had just been arrested, my response was, “Oh, really! Which one?”
However, this is not the point. The point is that the fridge doesn’t work very well. It might be just about the right temperature to sit in and relax over these hot summer months. However, it is entirely the wrong temperature for dairy products.
There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.
There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.
Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!
Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.
“All right, we just had a wonderful meal courtesy of our challenger. Now it’s time to see if our own Iron Chef College can top him. Chef Kiwi, are you prepared to present your meal?”
“Yes, for the first course I’ve prepared oriental flavored Ramen with a side of steamed broccoli.”
You probably want this update only as much as I wanted this spam. But I thought this first piece explained a lot.
To: farkle-farkle’s_email@noneofyourbusiness.com
From: dirtybunny@cox.net
Date: Thu, Jul 23, 2009 at 10:20 PM
Subject: You’ll easily make girls addictive to your hot rod.
So I’ve been sharing my room with this guy for a few months. Wanna know how that went? Dope as shit, man, dope as shit. Seriously, this guy is balls awesome, I’d definitely take his cock in my mouth in some mad respect fellatio. Seriously, if he was a chick, I’d superman that ho. Here’s why he’s the shit.
So for the last couple of months, I’ve had to share my room with another human being. Now, you may be wondering how that was. I’ll give you a hint: if it were great it would not be funny.
In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*
*Taste buds cannot be tightened.
Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.
Cheesecake
Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.
bitches bitches bitches yo
yo gona be a bitches moe
moe sez bitchies aint his thing
what you talkin bout you a mean
bitches bitches bitches yo
whatever you do, dont do nuthin low
There I was, walking down the street
I saw the frenchman, said “what have you to eat?”
“Ze wine und ze cheese eez my favorite treat”
then we had food, and a bird went ‘cheep’
Today I tried making a ziggurat out of beef. The number of cows required for this undertaking cost an arm and a leg, which I supplied happily from my eldest daughter. Anu was pleased with my sacrifice, and the rains came, and the rains caused the cow-keeper to go inside, allowing me to steal his cows. Out of these, I built the ziggurat I mentioned before. It was stinky and did not stand well, and had more maggots than I am used to seeing in a house of the Gods. I wailed at the altar of Ki for several hours to make up for whatever failure it was that she was angry about. However, since the altar I wailed at was the one I had just built, the efficacy of my prayers is somewhat in doubt.
The cowherd was annoyed as well, mostly because I left a rotting ziggurat in his field.
Thanks for buying another fine product from NDP&T Enterprises. This is by far the most complete and effective kit available without a prescription. Please take a few last moments to read the instructions thoroughly, or else you may hurt yourself.
First, check your box to make sure that all the components are included:
Roger was probably the most unfortunate of targets of Ronnie’s e-mails. Her e-mails to Roger were the most frequent and the least comprehensible, and they all addressed practical matters, so he had to actually translate them from “idiot” to English and then act on them. Combine this with the fact that Roger has less tolerance for stupidity than most in our company, and you got a very bad work relationship.
