The place where I’m living is not bad; the house is beautiful, and my room is rather nice – spacious, and just a bit on the humid side. Some of my housemates are mixed up in entirely the wrong crowd, so much so that when Dr. Subtle told me over the phone last night that one of my housemates had just been arrested, my response was, “Oh, really! Which one?”

However, this is not the point. The point is that the fridge doesn’t work very well. It might be just about the right temperature to sit in and relax over these hot summer months. However, it is entirely the wrong temperature for dairy products.

The problem is twofold: on the one hand, dairy products seem to spoil measurably faster than in the fridge I had at my old place. On the other hand, I feel less inclined to eat my dairy products anyway because they’re all hovering just under lukewarm, thus leading to them sitting around for longer and, well, you can guess the rest. Because I buy only the best dairy products (raw milk, organic cottage cheese and yogurt), this is rather a bummer. And don’t get me wrong – the freezer works fine, great. It’s just the fridge that has problems, even when turned up all the way.

Now, I do intend to talk with my landlord and request that it be properly fixed. So, optimally, it should *be* fixed, eventually. But in the meantime, I’ve opted to simply change my diet, making it more suitable to temperate regions. Eating more tofu, beans, and frozen vegetables is something I can live with, so, eh.

But, I still had an unfinished yogurt that was still good, and I didn’t want to either eat it lukewarm or throw it out later. I took the third path (which, notably, was recommended to me by the housemate who is now in jail), and in doing so I have discovered that science works exactly (well, okay, almost exactly) as you wanted it to.

Yes sir and madam, by putting yogurt in your freezer, it does in fact turn into…………. *drum roll* a block of milky ice; but THEN, by letting it sit out in your fridge for a couple of hours, yes, THEN, it turns into…………….. *additional drum roll* FROZEN. YOGURT. And, in fact, it’s pretty good! Just add some honey, or cinammon, or peppermint, or chocolate soymilk, or (as I did) all four at once, and you’re set to go! Deee-licious.

To me, this is a discovery approximately equivallent to taking bread to France and having it spontaneously transform into French toast. This is exactly how I would want science to work… well, almost. It would be nice if you didn’t have to thaw it, but eh.

This has been Science and You. Next week, join us as we attempt to determine why “frozen cottage cheese” is not yet a popular frozen dessert.

Not a POOP was BARFING, not even a SCROTUM.

The ETHNIC MINORITIES were hung by the TREE with care,

In hopes that RETARDS soon would be there;

The children were BEATING OFF all snug in their beds,

While visions of YOUR MOM danced in their heads.

When, what to my wondering ANUS should appear,

But a miniature COCK, and eight tiny BALLS.

“Now, BUTT! now, BUTTMUNCH! now, MORON and BUTTCHEESE!

On, POOP! on POOPER! on, DANDER and FECES!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to TAKING A DUMP IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM,

And laying a finger INSIDE his nose,

And giving a BLOWJOB, up the TOILET he rose;

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“GO SUCK A DICK, and to all a good-night.”

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

Democrat

From the depths of the most gargantuan cities to the houses of the smallest hamlets, there are always individuals who believe that the world can be better, that people can be equal, that the wilderness can be preserved, and that everyone can be as happy and as healthy as everyone else. These men and women are known as Democrats, and they are sworn to bringing about the social change that they deem necessary in the world. A Democrat believes himself to be a great hero, and acts in such a way that others tend to believe it too, no matter what his actions are. As master speakers and manipulators, a Democrat can easily bring others into the fold to campaign for his desired goals.

Adventures: Democrats are drawn to the adventuring life in order to better the world in some way, to help the downtrodden, the poor, the hungry, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. If there is an opportunity to help a group of people achieve freedom or equality in some way, there is likely to be a Democrat around, attempting to help. Very rarely do Democrats take part in military campaigns, as nonviolence is a highly prized characteristic in Democratic circles.

Characteristics: Anyone can be a Democrat. Even those you least expect.

Alignment: Any, though a Democrat will believe that he is Lawful Good, no matter what his actual alignment is. He will justify any action he takes as being for the greater good.

Religion: To be a Democrat, a character must be an atheist. Furthermore, and character with a level in Democrat cannot take a level in Paladin, Cleric, Wizard, Sorcerer, or any other class which deals with the arcane or divine, as Democrats believe only in the power of the proletariat. If a character with levels in a class which uses divine magic takes a level in Democrat, they must exchange all levels in their previous class for levels of Democrat.

Background: Democrats come from any number of backgrounds, from the poorest of the poor who desire to help people who came from similar circumstances, to the richest of the rich who wish to help the less fortunate, to corrupt officials who wish to stay in power through manipulation of the masses. As stated earlier, anyone can be a democrat.

Races: Members of any race can be a democrat, but they are most often humans, as they are one of the youngest and least-experienced races.

Other classes: Democrats despise members of any class which deals with religion, and often believe that magic-users are simply very talented tricksters. They usually get on well with Druids and Rangers, as their affinity for nature gels well with the Democrat’s desire to preserve it. In general, the less violent a class’s role is, the better they will get along with the Democrat, especially at higher levels.

Role: From a player character’s point of view, a Democrat doesn’t really have a useful role to perform in a party setting. The Democrat specializes in charisma-based abilities, but no more so than a Bard or Sorcerer. From the Dungeon Master’s perspective, though, the presence of a Democrat can make a storyline much more interesting! Democrats can cause trouble for companions and enemies alike, and can solve problems in an incredibly original fashion…or create them!

Game Rule Information Democrats have the following game statistics. Abilities: Charisma is the most important statistic for a Democrat, as they gain power by convincing others to follow them and do their bidding. All others are secondary. Hit die: d6 Class Skills: The Democrat’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appraise (Int), Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Decipher Script (Int), Diplomacy (Cha), Disguise (Cha), Gather Information (Cha), Hide (Dex), Knowledge (all skills, taken individually) (Int), Listen (Wis), Perform (Cha), Profession (Barrister) (Wis), Sense Motive (Wis), Speak Language (Rhetoric) (n/a), See Chapter 4: Skills in the D&D Player’s Handbook for skill descriptions. Skill Points at First Level: (6+Cha modifier)x4 Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 6+Cha modifier

Class Features All of the following are class features of the Democrat. Weapon and Armor Proficiency: A Democrat is proficient with all simple weapons and light armor that are completely biodegradable, as he does not wish to harm the environment. Any weapon or armor made of organic material (a club or studded leather, for example) must have been crafted from an already dead organism. If the Democrat is not completely sure that his gear falls into this category, he is required to roll 1d20 at the beginning of combat. If the roll is less than 11, he may not participate in combat while wielding the questionable gear. Class abilities:

Culturally Sensitive The Democrat is constantly walking on eggshells to avoid insulting beings of other races. The Democrat adds a number equal to half their level, rounded up, to all charisma-based checks with beings of other races which have an alignment identical to the Democrat. If the being in question has an alignment that does not match the Democrat, the being will become annoyed by the Democrat’s pandering, and the bonus becomes negative.

Yes We Can! Starting at level 3, the Democrat sees the light of hope and change. Deep down in the soul that he does not believe exists, the Democrat believes that he can accomplish anything, no matter what the obstacles are. The Democrat becomes constantly under the effects of Inspire Courage, as per the Bard ability.

Unionize! Starting at level 5, the Democrat feels an urge to ensure that all members of [...]]]> I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

Democrat

From the depths of the most gargantuan cities to the houses of the smallest hamlets, there are always individuals who believe that the world can be better, that people can be equal, that the wilderness can be preserved, and that everyone can be as happy and as healthy as everyone else. These men and women are known as Democrats, and they are sworn to bringing about the social change that they deem necessary in the world. A Democrat believes himself to be a great hero, and acts in such a way that others tend to believe it too, no matter what his actions are. As master speakers and manipulators, a Democrat can easily bring others into the fold to campaign for his desired goals.

Adventures: Democrats are drawn to the adventuring life in order to better the world in some way, to help the downtrodden, the poor, the hungry, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. If there is an opportunity to help a group of people achieve freedom or equality in some way, there is likely to be a Democrat around, attempting to help. Very rarely do Democrats take part in military campaigns, as nonviolence is a highly prized characteristic in Democratic circles.

Characteristics: Anyone can be a Democrat. Even those you least expect.

Alignment: Any, though a Democrat will believe that he is Lawful Good, no matter what his actual alignment is. He will justify any action he takes as being for the greater good.

Religion: To be a Democrat, a character must be an atheist. Furthermore, and character with a level in Democrat cannot take a level in Paladin, Cleric, Wizard, Sorcerer, or any other class which deals with the arcane or divine, as Democrats believe only in the power of the proletariat. If a character with levels in a class which uses divine magic takes a level in Democrat, they must exchange all levels in their previous class for levels of Democrat.

Background: Democrats come from any number of backgrounds, from the poorest of the poor who desire to help people who came from similar circumstances, to the richest of the rich who wish to help the less fortunate, to corrupt officials who wish to stay in power through manipulation of the masses. As stated earlier, anyone can be a democrat.

Races: Members of any race can be a democrat, but they are most often humans, as they are one of the youngest and least-experienced races.

Other classes: Democrats despise members of any class which deals with religion, and often believe that magic-users are simply very talented tricksters. They usually get on well with Druids and Rangers, as their affinity for nature gels well with the Democrat’s desire to preserve it. In general, the less violent a class’s role is, the better they will get along with the Democrat, especially at higher levels.

Role: From a player character’s point of view, a Democrat doesn’t really have a useful role to perform in a party setting. The Democrat specializes in charisma-based abilities, but no more so than a Bard or Sorcerer. From the Dungeon Master’s perspective, though, the presence of a Democrat can make a storyline much more interesting! Democrats can cause trouble for companions and enemies alike, and can solve problems in an incredibly original fashion…or create them!

Game Rule Information
Democrats have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Charisma is the most important statistic for a Democrat, as they gain power by convincing others to follow them and do their bidding. All others are secondary.
Hit die: d6
Class Skills: The Democrat’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appraise (Int), Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Decipher Script (Int), Diplomacy (Cha), Disguise (Cha), Gather Information (Cha), Hide (Dex), Knowledge (all skills, taken individually) (Int), Listen (Wis), Perform (Cha), Profession (Barrister) (Wis), Sense Motive (Wis), Speak Language (Rhetoric) (n/a), See Chapter 4: Skills in the D&D Player’s Handbook for skill descriptions.
Skill Points at First Level: (6+Cha modifier)x4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 6+Cha modifier

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Democrat.
Weapon and Armor Proficiency: A Democrat is proficient with all simple weapons and light armor that are completely biodegradable, as he does not wish to harm the environment. Any weapon or armor made of organic material (a club or studded leather, for example) must have been crafted from an already dead organism. If the Democrat is not completely sure that his gear falls into this category, he is required to roll 1d20 at the beginning of combat. If the roll is less than 11, he may not participate in combat while wielding the questionable gear.

Class abilities:

Culturally Sensitive
The Democrat is constantly walking on eggshells to avoid insulting beings of other races. The Democrat adds a number equal to half their level, rounded up, to all charisma-based checks with beings of other races which have an alignment identical to the Democrat. If the being in question has an alignment that does not match the Democrat, the being will become annoyed by the Democrat’s pandering, and the bonus becomes negative.

Yes We Can!
Starting at level 3, the Democrat sees the light of hope and change. Deep down in the soul that he does not believe exists, the Democrat believes that he can accomplish anything, no matter what the obstacles are. The Democrat becomes constantly under the effects of Inspire Courage, as per the Bard ability.

Unionize!
Starting at level 5, the Democrat feels an urge to ensure that all members of his party receive equal shares of the loot and treasure that they procure, regardless of amount of work done. Until everyone in the party agrees to such an arrangement, the Democrat will forego all non-essential actions, constantly preaching and expounding the virtues of “unionizing the party”.

Spread the Wealth Around
Starting at level 7, the Democrat becomes angry at the fact that despite his best efforts, some people are better off than others. He will become angry at anyone who is wealthier than he is, and feels compelled to redistribute their wealth in any way he can, be it robbery, trickery, blackmail, or anything else he can think of. The Democrat will justify this action as being good, no matter what action he takes. The Democrat will take a -2 penalty to all saving throws as long as he is aware of a target wealthy individual.

Self-Loathing
Starting at level 9, the Democrat becomes aware how much better off he is than some people in the world, and begins to hate himself for being alive, healthy, and having luxuries, when there are so many others in the world who are starving and slaving under tyrants. When the Democrat finds any sort of treasure or loot, he has a very slight compulsion to use it to better the life of some unfortunate being. The Democrat must make a will save of 1, or donate his share of the loot and treasure to a being or group of beings that he deems underprivileged. If the Democrat makes the will save, he will keep all of his share of the loot, and insist that he will use it for noble purposes, even though he probably has no intention of doing so.

Bleeding Heart
At 11th level, the Democrat becomes painfully aware of the intense and constant suffering that everyone else in the world feels, and is overwhelmed with guilt. Up to 3 times each day at the Dungeon Master’s command, the Democrat must make a will save to engage in action that could cause any sort of unhappiness or discomfort for anyone else, even in situations where inaction will have terrible consequences for the Democrat and his/her party of adventurers.

An Inconvenient Truth
Starting at level 13, the Democrat realizes that the ends justify the means (as far as his goals and actions are concerned) and will lie to anyone about anything as long as it advances their personal goals. If telling the truth would negatively impact the Democrat’s plans, he must lie. If the Democrat wishes to tell the truth in such a situation (who knows why), he must make a will save of 20 to do so.

Hell No, We Won’t Go!
Starting at 15^th level, the Democrat discovers that violence is not only not always the answer, but never the answer. When faced with a combat situation, the Democrat must make a will save of 20 or be unable to take any combative action for the duration of the battle, and instead spends the entire fight lecturing all involved about the evils of fisticuffs. If he is somehow forced into combat, the Democrat takes a -10 to all his base attack bonuses.

Health Care Reform
At 17^th level, the Democrat feels the urge to provide healing to all beings in the world, regardless of race, creed, nationality, or otherwise. When faced with an injured being or group of beings (such as a party or town) outside of combat, the Democrat must roll 1d6 on the following table:

A Legend in his Own Mind
At 20^th level, the Democrat becomes aware that he is the greatest being that has ever existed in the entirety of the universe. If his base Charisma score is below an 18, it is raised to that number. The Democrat may attempt to recruit people to his cause. Any NPC with an intelligence of 8 or below is automatically convinced to change their way of life and goals to that of the Democrat, while NPC’s with an intelligence of 10 or higher must be convinced by a charisma-based check. The Democrat may convince mass numbers of people to join him at once, and anyone who can clearly hear him speak or who reads his written call to action may be instantly convinced to join him. They will be oblivious to any actions he takes which are in opposition to his public goals, and will go out of their way to justify anything he does, no matter how heinous. The Democrat may command his legions to do anything he wishes, and they will comply without question. Player characters must make a will save of 30 to avoid being recruited to the Democrat’s cause, though PCs that have traveled with the Democrat since level 1 (or, if the game starts with PCs at a higher level, since early in the adventure, at the DM’s discretion) are immune, as they can see right through his bullshit.

Ex-Democrats
A Democrat who renounces the beliefs and practices of his class cannot progress in levels as a Democrat, and loses all Democrat abilities except Yes We Can!

Human Democrat Starting Package
Armor:  None (speed 30 ft.)
Weapons:  Quarterstaff (naturally harvested) (1d6/1d6, crit x2, 4 lb., two-handed, bludgeoning)
Skill Selection: Pick a number of skills equal to 6+Cha modifier, 4 ranks in each, from the list of class skills under the Game Rule Information subsection.
Feat: Deceitful
Gear: None. The Democrat believes that the wealthy should provide for him.
Gold: None. See above.

One not-so-dark and not-terribly-stormy-either night, three stunningly attractive and inconceivably brilliant men convened at a home on Juliet street in Oakland. One was a visionary, a man with ideas, plans, and an affinity for German dance metal. One was a technological expert with a voice so deep he can get elephants to spontaneously defecate, known to most of the Internet as Burpen. One was an incredibly negative sod who also happened to have a few good ideas, also the most skilled player of grabass in the world, certified in the crucible of official competition. Over heaps of parmesan cheese these three gods among men formulated the plans for what the internet has not yet realized is its most glorious destination.

These three übermensch there hatched the plans for the website that would proceed to make the internet jealous. It was to be a site featuring only original content. All of the material on Clunkline was to be produced by the authors of the site. These three dashing and impossibly virile men determined it made sense to include only original material because it was the only way to guarantee the site would be better than any other. There would be the main site, featuring nothing but the most side-splitting articles, and the authors’ corners, for more avant-garde work to be appreciated by people who understand art.

With these goals in mind, Tanzmetall and Burpen convened to create a server to broadcast our good work to the internet.

Jesus, so named because He was spreading the good word, was in Good Friday condition when Tanzmetall and Burpen, whose sperm sells on the black market for millions, started to work on it. The endeavor of resurrecting Christ was not one for any simple-minded fool. Burpen, however, is capable of setting Marilyn vos Savant’s hair ablaze purely by firing thought-waves at her, from any point on Earth or low-Earth orbit. Jesus went from having no idea He had a hard drive to rising to the heavens totally resurrected in no time thanks to Burpen’s expertise. After many sleepless nights, the site was assembled and The Word was finally available to anyone who had access to port 1000.

Or at least, so we thought: The problem with Jesus was it was very difficult to get Him to interface with the internet. In order to accomplish the task, Tanzmetall with MacGyver-like guile bravely employed over 100 feet of cable and some bacon-tape. Thanks to his heroic efforts, Clunkline now had a tube. And it was a tube to behold. We send pictures of it to people on Craigslist all the time.

In those early days of yore, Clunkline began to flourish with content that is now considered classic. Videos like Fuck it’s an Owl, images like Tanzmetall’s fake ads for real products, the beginning of the esteemed Ronnicles, and How to Maik Postah. We also talked a whole hell of a lot about why we hated Hillary Clinton. Lesser beings would have spent the rest of their writing careers trying to live up to these incredible works, but we at Clunkline are supreme beings, and we continued only to produce the finest material.

(Are you at the dramatic part of the music yet? If not, please wait for it to get back to that part before reading this. You can masturbate to our glory while you wait.)

And so we did, for a month or so, and it was good. But, what we didn’t know was it was about to get even more orgasmically fantastic because Lo! On the horizon rode nom de pomme on a horse so brilliantly white that your mom had to avert her eyes when she was fucking it! And he brought with him the level of prolificacy that only rabbits used to know. With the arrival of nom de pomme, Clunkline became a veritable dynamo of diarrhea. A diarrheanamo, if you will.

But tragedy had not yet ceased its siege on His Holiness. Every few days Clunkline’s glorious tube would clog itself as it shed an old IP address and tried to flush it like last night’s kielbasa and sauerkraut. We had more downtime than a General Motors factory worker. Something had to be done. After months of fervent procrastination, Jesus was transplanted from His home in Pittsburgh to the domain of Grabass_Champion in faraway exotic tropical Greensburg.

From this new home Jesus much more steadily broadcast the Word of Clunkline. And it was good. Except that Grabass_Champion needed to use a proxy to get to the site which bothered him just enough that he didn’t write as much. But everyone else picked up that slack anyway.

The time following that was rather uneventful. We launched a merchandise effort, through CafePress.com because we were way too lazy to print our own shirts, but we knew that the world NEEDED T-shirts with pictures of the Titanic colliding with the Hindenburg on them. We also naïvely believed that people wearing “Clunkline.com” would get other people interested. Pssh. They were already interested! So far we’ve sold literally tens of shirts to pretty much ourselves and some midwesterners.

We were kind enough to allow lesser internetfolk to advertise on our site, and we returned the kindness of being paid for adspace by mercilessly insulting the folks that bought the ads.

We wrote a lot of funny things. We frequently met in undisclosed locations and ate inordinate amounts of pizza [...]]]>

Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.

One not-so-dark and not-terribly-stormy-either night, three stunningly attractive and inconceivably brilliant men convened at a home on Juliet street in Oakland. One was a visionary, a man with ideas, plans, and an affinity for German dance metal. One was a technological expert with a voice so deep he can get elephants to spontaneously defecate, known to most of the Internet as Burpen. One was an incredibly negative sod who also happened to have a few good ideas, also the most skilled player of grabass in the world, certified in the crucible of official competition. Over heaps of parmesan cheese these three gods among men formulated the plans for what the internet has not yet realized is its most glorious destination.

These three übermensch there hatched the plans for the website that would proceed to make the internet jealous. It was to be a site featuring only original content. All of the material on Clunkline was to be produced by the authors of the site. These three dashing and impossibly virile men determined it made sense to include only original material because it was the only way to guarantee the site would be better than any other. There would be the main site, featuring nothing but the most side-splitting articles, and the authors’ corners, for more avant-garde work to be appreciated by people who understand art.

With these goals in mind, Tanzmetall and Burpen convened to create a server to broadcast our good work to the internet.

Jesus, so named because He was spreading the good word, was in Good Friday condition when Tanzmetall and Burpen, whose sperm sells on the black market for millions, started to work on it. The endeavor of resurrecting Christ was not one for any simple-minded fool. Burpen, however, is capable of setting Marilyn vos Savant’s hair ablaze purely by firing thought-waves at her, from any point on Earth or low-Earth orbit. Jesus went from having no idea He had a hard drive to rising to the heavens totally resurrected in no time thanks to Burpen’s expertise. After many sleepless nights, the site was assembled and The Word was finally available to anyone who had access to port 1000.

Tanzmetall used bacon-tape to hold the tube to the wall where he routed it around his door.

Or at least, so we thought: The problem with Jesus was it was very difficult to get Him to interface with the internet. In order to accomplish the task, Tanzmetall with MacGyver-like guile bravely employed over 100 feet of cable and some bacon-tape. Thanks to his heroic efforts, Clunkline now had a tube. And it was a tube to behold. We send pictures of it to people on Craigslist all the time.

In those early days of yore, Clunkline began to flourish with content that is now considered classic. Videos like Fuck it’s an Owl, images like Tanzmetall’s fake ads for real products, the beginning of the esteemed Ronnicles, and How to Maik Postah. We also talked a whole hell of a lot about why we hated Hillary Clinton. Lesser beings would have spent the rest of their writing careers trying to live up to these incredible works, but we at Clunkline are supreme beings, and we continued only to produce the finest material.

(Are you at the dramatic part of the music yet? If not, please wait for it to get back to that part before reading this. You can masturbate to our glory while you wait.)

And so we did, for a month or so, and it was good. But, what we didn’t know was it was about to get even more orgasmically fantastic because Lo! On the horizon rode nom de pomme on a horse so brilliantly white that your mom had to avert her eyes when she was fucking it! And he brought with him the level of prolificacy that only rabbits used to know. With the arrival of nom de pomme, Clunkline became a veritable dynamo of diarrhea. A diarrheanamo, if you will.

But tragedy had not yet ceased its siege on His Holiness. Every few days Clunkline’s glorious tube would clog itself as it shed an old IP address and tried to flush it like last night’s kielbasa and sauerkraut. We had more downtime than a General Motors factory worker. Something had to be done. After months of fervent procrastination, Jesus was transplanted from His home in Pittsburgh to the domain of Grabass_Champion in faraway exotic tropical Greensburg.

From this new home Jesus much more steadily broadcast the Word of Clunkline. And it was good. Except that Grabass_Champion needed to use a proxy to get to the site which bothered him just enough that he didn’t write as much. But everyone else picked up that slack anyway.

The time following that was rather uneventful. We launched a merchandise effort, through CafePress.com because we were way too lazy to print our own shirts, but we knew that the world NEEDED T-shirts with pictures of the Titanic colliding with the Hindenburg on them. We also naïvely believed that people wearing “Clunkline.com” would get other people interested. Pssh. They were already interested! So far we’ve sold literally tens of shirts to pretty much ourselves and some midwesterners.

We were kind enough to allow lesser internetfolk to advertise on our site, and we returned the kindness of being paid for adspace by mercilessly insulting the folks that bought the ads.

We wrote a lot of funny things. We frequently met in undisclosed locations and ate inordinate amounts of pizza while discussing the finer points of poop. You’re welcome.

It was a major milestone when we were graced by a visit from the Pope (he wanted to see Jesus) in which he blessed our servers. We repaid the favor by gifting him with a Fleshlight (we were done with it).

When the G20 came to Pittsburgh, the events tragically coincided with a failure of Clunkline’s servers. This triggered massive rioting, which really hampered the international conference. We’re sorry, world leaders.

Clunkline again achieved world fame when Michael Jackson read How to make TOST and died from an overdose of awesome. You’re welcome again: you wouldn’t have wanted to watch him get old.

Most recently we made news again as Barack Obama traveled with an entourage of irony to Oslo to pick up a Nobel Peace Prize for us to give us article material. It was going to be about how interesting it was that Obama was picking up a peace prize while escalating a war. Thanks for takin’ a hit for the team, B-rock! We never wrote the article, because it wasn’t about pooping, but we appreciate you doing us a solid, man. Shout out to mah President!

Despite this series of fantastic honors, Clunkline was not free from problems. Tragedy again struck when Grabass_Champion went on an expedition to the mysterious Orient in search of a cure for yellow fever. The frequently-ailing Jesus had no able caretakers living with Him, and it was only a matter of time before the three Moldovan cyclists that power Grabass_Champion’s home would starve and all of Clunkline would shut down until his return.

But when that plane arrived in New York, a new era of Clunkline was begun. And this glorious era was brought to you by one hangtthedj, whose graphic design prowess can take an old, crappy-looking site that only its writers read and turn it into a site that people actually take time to look at without suffering spontaneous bowel movements. And that’s where we sit now, comrades, on the brink of a new era. We may look back from time to time, as we have here, but forward is the direction things are ceaselessly progressing. Brace yourself, brothers. The future flies on detachable wings.

…Ehh, who are we kidding? In reality, Clunkline has far fewer views than this:

“Yes, for the first course I’ve prepared oriental flavored Ramen with a side of steamed broccoli.”

“Oriental flavored?” “Yes, it tastes just like a real oriental. This part of the meal presented a real challenge because both the noodles and the broccoli needed to make use of the hot pot at the same time, but I would like to think that let the flavors of one infuse with the other. It also explains why the noodles are green.”

“Was the overcooking a deliberate choice?”

“It’s kind of hard to get a vegetable steamer out of a hot pot that’s just big enough to hold it without burning yourself and I lost my oven mitt weeks ago. So, yeah, hope you like glutinous sodium filled paste.”

“Ok, tell us about this next course.”

“For this, I wanted to blend flavors of the world together so we have crispy sesame chicken covered in butter chicken sauce served on Pita with a slab of pesto cheese.”

“An ambitious combination, where did you get the inspiration?”

“I had leftover Chinese, Indian, and Greek in the fridge. I decided to let it sit in the Styrofoam container for an extra hour to really capture that take-out flavor.”

“What about the cheese?”

“I was originally going to make a side of pasta with creamy pesto sauce, but if you don’t stir the milk and flavor packet combination enough, it solidifies. Enjoy.”

“Alright, your third dish?”

“That would be cold found pizza with a side of steamed broccoli.”

“Broccoli again?”

“I buy it frozen by the bagful. Anyway, with this I hope you notice the change in flavors as the crust is no longer crispy and the cheese has solidified. The meats should be tenderer as they’ve had 3-5 weeks to age.”

“Excuse me?”

“We ordered in five weeks ago and three weeks ago, I honestly don’t know which one this is from. I did top it with some generic brand balsamic because I figure the vinegar can kill whatever’s on there.”

“Very… unique. Your fourth dish?”

“Yeah, I didn’t do a fourth dish. My clan mates were online.”

“I see, your desert then, Iron Chef?”

“Breyer’s cookies and cream ice cream made with real Oreos, served in a teacup because we were out of bowls. Although I think this ends up working better. Topped with a Hershey’s bar I stole from my roommate’s care package from home.”

“You certainly have a knack for working around limitations, Iron Chef. What about the secret ingredient?”

“Yeah, swordfish tastes like ass, so I didn’t use it.”

“Very well, anything you would like to say to our judges before they decide?”

“Yeah, I got to go do groceries now. Thanks for cleaning out my fridge, a-holes.”