lime margar iiTa: HAHAHA
lime margar iiTa: who is this?
MesmericKiwi: my name is *****
MesmericKiwi: and who do I have the pleasure of conversing with?

lime margar iiTa: who talks like that?!
XxGrEenLoVexX: i dont know but whoever it is i hate already
lime margar iiTa: haha
XxGrEenLoVexX: unless this person likes u and they kno u then they r sooo effin weird times 64736287364283927482
lime margar iiTa: haha
lime margar iiTa: i have no idea who they are
XxGrEenLoVexX: i kno

MesmericKiwi: a simple name would do
MesmericKiwi: well, Jess, is there a reason you contacted me?

lime margar iiTa: OMG HE KNOWS WHO I AM
XxGrEenLoVexX: OMG
XxGrEenLoVexX: YUCK
lime margar iiTa: OMGGGGGG IM SCARED
XxGrEenLoVexX: ME 2
XxGrEenLoVexX: it mite be elliott playin arounf?
XxGrEenLoVexX: around*
lime margar iiTa: haha
lime margar iiTa: im talking to him ono tyhe phone
XxGrEenLoVexX: ohh

XxGrEenLoVexX: XxGrEenLoVexX: hi who is this?
MesmericKiwi: this is *****
MesmericKiwi: who the devil is this?
XxGrEenLoVexX: this is ellie
XxGrEenLoVexX: how do u kno jess?
MesmericKiwi: she’s a friend of my sister
MesmericKiwi: why are y’all contacting me?

XxGrEenLoVexX: i knooo
XxGrEenLoVexX: i blocked him
lime margar iiTa: ELLIEE

MesmericKiwi: well, let’s not totally waste this IM
MesmericKiwi: how are you doing?
MesmericKiwi: been up to anything interesting?

lime margar iiTa: hahahaha
XxGrEenLoVexX: OMG
XxGrEenLoVexX: who in the world taalks like that?
lime margar iiTa: I KNOW
XxGrEenLoVexX: lets not waste this im
XxGrEenLoVexX: lalal
XxGrEenLoVexX: be like i dont even effin kno u go to heel
XxGrEenLoVexX: hell*
lime margar iiTa: i think he’s like communist or something
lime margar iiTa: maybe she’s from china!

MesmericKiwi: fine then, be a total waste of my precious time

XxGrEenLoVexX: omg
lime margar iiTa: HAHA
no offence to whoever’s brother that is..he’s just weird xx8932389058920758320!

lime margar iiTa: lime margar iiTa: hello
MesmericKiwi: are we talking now?
lime margar iiTa: yes we are.
MesmericKiwi: allrighty then
MesmericKiwi: what’s new with you, Jess?
lime margar iiTa: nothing much
lime margar iiTa: you?
MesmericKiwi: about the same
MesmericKiwi: I was working on a calculator based rpg earlier
MesmericKiwi: played a new video game of mine, and was studying for my permit
MesmericKiwi: not a hugely exciting day, but an occupied one none the less
lime margar iiTa: thats nice.
MesmericKiwi: well, what did your exciting and dynamic day entail so far, then?
lime margar iiTa: what?
lime margar iiTa: i dont speak chinese?
MesmericKiwi: what does that have to do with anything?
lime margar iiTa: STOP MOTHER FUCKING SPEAKING CHINESE
MesmericKiwi: my word, what language
MesmericKiwi: and I thought this was going to be a civil conversation
MesmericKiwi: clearly, I was mistaken
MesmericKiwi: first time for everything, eh?
lime margar iiTa: EH!!
MesmericKiwi: yes, eh
MesmericKiwi: quite a common term
MesmericKiwi: frequently used by certain Canadians, particually in Newfoundland
MesmericKiwi: generally used to convert a declarative statement into an interogative one for the purposes of furthering conversation
lime margar iiTa: STOP WITH THE FUCKING CHINESE ALREADY?!@
MesmericKiwi: am I speaking Chinease?
MesmericKiwi: I was under the impression I was conversing in English
lime margar iiTa: UM NOT REALLY
MesmericKiwi: an american dialect of sorts, while utilizing a large vocabulary
MesmericKiwi: complex, yes, but English none the less
MesmericKiwi: oh I wish I could speak Chinease
MesmericKiwi: increase the number of people I can chat with by 1 billion, always a good thing
lime margar iiTa: SPANATIA

HAHA fun stuff ellie wellie. I LOVE YOU.
thats all. love ya’ll! <3333
<3 EGK

JESS xoxoxo.

Normally I’d change names to protect the innocent, but these bitches are just as annoying as hell.

Remember kids, everyone can see the internet. As far as Jess knows I’m fapping to her under age picture on the xanga account this was posted to.

And she would be right.

In a coming together of cultures, several representatives from the American hip hop community including Jay-Z, Lil John, and Michael Steele, met with many local first generation Chinese immigrant shopkeeps and buffeteers to endorse their favorite website, Crunkrine.

We accept, gentlemen. Thank you!

This isn’t even the right flag! That’s Liberia’s flag! As if decades of slavery were not enough, now we deface someone else’s flag just because we’re too fucking LAZY to ink the RIGHT NUMBER OF STARS!

Worse still, it’s a THROW PILLOW. It’s not even a real pillow!

It’s like a big-game hunter tracking down the last Tasmanian tiger and then calling it a dingo when he mounts it to his wall.

Patriotic holidays are just commercialist circlejerks. We don’t honor the fallen. We have sales on mattresses. It’s bad enough that Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Labor Day have been bastardized, but why you gotta exploit the blood of our ancestors to make a $.59 profit on a refrigerator magnet?

'Cause nothing honors the flag like dribbling beer on it from your slovenly, slack-jawed mouth. But hey, at least your foreign beer is cold.

It always saddens me when there’s a bunch of little abandoned American flags on the ground after Memorial Day. Because it’s not as if our grandfathers fought and died so we could remember them one day a year and then jerk off to HotOrNot for the other 364.

I am not trying to imply that they died so we could jerk off to them.

You know what I’m a “fan” of? My dead grandfather, who was shot full of hot lead on Omaha Beach, unloved and unremembered, while my grandma fucked the 4F milkman. Now, sure, he was just a fisherman in a dinghy in the wrong place at the wrong time, but the man was a patriot.

When hippies burn the flag as a symbol, and really understand what they’re doing, conservatives get all up in arms, but when the flag is used by people who don’t understand it to sell cars, bandannas, and jackets, nobody gives a shit. And those bandannas are made in China! Not only do we not care about our industry, but we’re letting others profit off our misinformed patriotism. The blatant capitalism may be American, but it’s not AmERic’n.

Flags that use polyester deepen our need for oil, which is un-American. Flags should be made from good American cotton by good American slaves. While I’m here, what is the proper way to dispose of a flag napkin at a 4th of July cookout? Hell, what’s the right way to FOLD it? Altogether, we’ve lost respect for the flag.

Maybe these colors should run. We clearly need to incentivize respect for the flag. If your flag is left out in the rain, it should be ruined the next day. Oh, you let America spoil on your front porch? Guess you should have taken care of the country properly, ass.

We used to put flags on caskets carrying the honored fallen. But now, we put them on the most disappointing candy this side of an anus.

But I’m pleased that the word “spangled” only refers to flags for the most part. However, in order for its propriety to be complete, we must exterminate every Great Spangled Frittilary that flutters the earth. Besides, those fuckers cause hurricanes.

Now, I’m sure you’re asking, why didn’t we publish this article on Flag Day? Because I have no goddamn idea when that is! And that’s another problem! When the hell is it?

You know what? Fuck holidays. I got a better idea.

Every day should be Flag Day. Solves the problem without us actually having to do anything.

You know.

The AmERic’n way.

Pictures courtesy of the godless Oriental Trading Company. I mean… they have Oriental right there in the name!

In Ancient Greece, few dramas were more tense than this exchange of sharp words and swords between a pair of rival playwrights. Their story remained lost to history until the relevant documents were plumbed out of the depths of an Egyptian portopotty. It is supposed that they were deposited there after being discarded when an Achaemenid used them as first reading material, and then toilet paper.

CERBERUS. Stand here, slave, and observe all that do enter my realm. Though this is, technically speaking, my job, I grow weary of it, and would like instead to sniff my three buttockses.

Exit Cerberus.

SLAVE. I am much afeared to execute these orders, given they come from Cerberus, and death shall punish any mistakes!

Enter the Oaf.

OAF (Drunkenly). Is this the house of Testicles?

SLAVE. I beg your pardon?

OAF. I heard that Testicles hangs here.

SLAVE. None hang here but those who were hung.

OAF. I’m hung! To show you this: it is why I do not wear a toga.

SLAVE. This is the gateway to Hades, sir. I think you have the incorrect address.

OAF. No Testicles lives here?

SLAVE. None. Nor anyone anywhere of that name, I should hope.

OAF. This is 666 Styx Lane?

SLAVE. It is.

OAF. And is not “Gullible” written in Linear B above the gateway?

SLAVE. No, that says, “Have a pleasant journey.”

OAF. Oh! I never could decipher that script. Woe, woe, my friends have sent me on a comic misadventure! May a thousand lightning bolts wither their merry limbs!

SLAVE. You must be a great fool.

OAF. Or a fool’s grate.

Enter Chorus.

CHORUS. That doesn’t mean anything.

OAF. Then it’s probably a pun in ancient Greek.

Re-enter Cerberus.

CERBERUS. What ho, slave! I instructed you to make no mistakes!

SLAVE. And I made none!

CERBERUS. While mine second tongue was cleaning my asscheeks, I heard a most curious sound.

CHORUS. Here’s hoping it was a fart.

CERBERUS. It was you spaking that a man named Testicles does not live here.

SLAVE. Correctly!

CERBERUS. Incorrectly! As you should well know, Testicles is the name of my childhood friend.

CHORUS. That is probably why he licks them!

SLAVE. Oh, woe is to my tragic end, for forgetting the name of your friend Testicles!

CERBERUS. Consider yourself sacked!

Next: A review of this play by Priapus the Elder…