ST. PETERSBURG – Among reports of a strengthening Baltic Hooker, the value of Russian sex futures skyrocketed today in a manner reflecting the deregulation of 1991.
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So… I have a little coffee can full of coins from every corner of the Earth (truly a feat because the Earth is indeed spherical), and I’ve noticed an alarming trend. Tell me what you think coins from these countries/territories might have in common: Fiji The following spam messages were all copied directly from my inbox at EA (where I’m currently working). They are presented here unaltered and unedited, except for a few instances in which potentially dangerous urls have been removed, and a few other instances in which I have inserted my own comments in brackets and italics [like this]: From: Claude Caddle from: admin@redpornotube.com Dear AzureChameleon212: First I would like to thank you for all of the time and effort you spend patronizing our website and free service, redpornotube.com. Like many of our users, you give back to this community driven website by uploading your own pornographic content, in addition to downloading the content of others. I would like to note here, however, just for the record, that this trade of data is not very much like the analogy you used in your previous email to us – online videos are in no way like “the cum-stained porno mags of your father’s closet, pages stuck together like thighs.” Indeed I would posit that they are more like the slutty girl at your local highschool – passed around like some form of social currency. There used to be a time when we had standards. Things used to come from places we could trust, where underpaid workers on our own soil would produce products that we didn’t have to fear, so long as it didn’t come from the meatpacking industry. It’s not like that anymore. Products come from overseas where quality control is not really of key interest. After all, it’s expensive. Evidently now the soft drink industry understands our quality concerns and has decided to proudly tell us this: There was much more to my trip to Massachusetts than this, but it’s not funny, so this is what you get. “Hey, they seated us next to a light switch.” Picture this: You’re unloading all of your stuff from your parents’ SUV and carrying it through a series of self-locking doors, up flights of stairs, and into a little cell which is graced only by the presence of a spartan bed, a computer desk, and a chest of drawers.
That’s right, college. The first great departure from your parents’ authority into the “real” world, or at least a strange facsimile of it in which you have no car, no job, and can sleep in until dark with minimal consequences. You look forward to it, the ultimate freedom to do whatever trivial and pissing things you might want to do. The freedom to eat an entire box of cheez-its in twelve minutes. The freedom to wear clothes over and over again until they start to smell like a sort of twisted hummus made of old Doritos, balsamic vinegar, and pickled sausage. The freedom, so long as your roommate’s away, to beat your willy to all sorts of porn coming through the incredibly wide tubes of your campus network many times a day, without fear of embarrassing discovery. |
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