Two security scares this weekend led to panic and paranoia among the citizens of Detroit, the center of American industry and culture that the terrorists had wisely targeted. This attempt to destroy a city that the rest of the country looks up to in awe is basically the terrorists’ way of saying, “Merry Christmas, America.”
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“A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!”, cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge’s nephew, who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach. “Bah!”, said Scrooge. “Humbug!” He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this nephew of Scrooge’s, that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and his breath smoked again. “Christmas a humbug, uncle?”, said Scrooge’s nephew. “You don’t mean that, I am sure?” “I do”, said Scrooge. “‘Merry Christmas’! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You’re poor enough.” “Come, then”, returned the nephew gaily. “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You’re rich enough.” Clunkline’s 2 year anniversary and 1,000th article are coming up, and Tanz wants the two to coincide. So, my gift to you is this article to bump the counter that much closer to number 1,000. Merry Christmas, don’t expect me to get you anything else. And I hope you got me something nice and/or expensive. I got you an electric dildo I found in my neighbor’s garbage. The batteries are still inside but I think the acid is leaking. Merry Christmas to you too! -Tanz  This isn’t even the right flag! That’s Liberia’s flag! As if decades of slavery were not enough, now we deface someone else’s flag just because we’re too fucking LAZY to ink the RIGHT NUMBER OF STARS! Worse still, it’s a THROW PILLOW. It’s not even a real pillow! It’s like a big-game hunter tracking down the last Tasmanian tiger and then calling it a dingo when he mounts it to his wall. Patriotic holidays are just commercialist circlejerks. We don’t honor the fallen. We have sales on mattresses. It’s bad enough that Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Labor Day have been bastardized, but why you gotta exploit the blood of our ancestors to make a $.59 profit on a refrigerator magnet? Poop
Public Access TV will always be known as the proto-YouTube for people who cared about their idiotic obsessions enough to apply to have them broadcast, but not enough to put any time or thought into them. Sometimes the results were abominable. Sometimes they were just merely atrocious. And sometimes… they were ineffable. Take, for instance, this fellow on the Hurdy-Gurdy: Hey, you out there, I’m willing to make a bet about you. I bet you’re one of those people who really likes a good nog. I bet you like to sit down next to the fireplace, recline, and enjoy a good thick glass of nog. I bet you wish one or both of your nipples made the stuff around this time of year so you could have it everywhere you go! I bet you totally hate it when people spell the name “Jeff” “Geoff”! Once again, I’m correct. But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. SOooooo……….. |
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