Clunkline » city

An Open Letter to the Parent of a Former Customer

weekendsquire — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:36:48 +0000

Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society,
I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well. Also, her complete lack of respect to anything or anyone also attempting to acquire our merchandise is appalling. So upon her recent removal, you graced me with your cross-eyed, spandex enveloped, lice and crab infested presence. You did not care to speak to the store’s manager, who both times, as you informed me, removed your princess from our place of work. Instead, you came to me. With your breath of swine and nicotine, you asked first “Weren’t you Anthony’s sister?” to which I replied “I still am, despite his passing far too soon at 16.” Neither of these facts have anything to do with your failed abortion straddling her fur-covered animal friends in the store, but that certainly is not your concern. Instead, your banshee-like shrieking tells of your woes and sorrow for not being able to spend another dollar in a store which is based on things no one actually needs. Ever. We do not carry food, or housing, water, or air; so to see your thong-juice-crusted-one-dollar bills and brown and green nickels leave is not a particularly painful waste for us. (Well, it may have been for you… I thought I saw blood on the last one.)
As a great and powerful last stand against the CORPORATION, you have the audacity to speak against a dead CHILD to their SISTER because your lack of morality and decent humanity taught your STI-oozing, wreaking, round, 14 year old “princess” that she owned everything and could destroy it at will. Well, let me tell you, that if you step one more scum-drenched, gooey foot on the premises, or if I have one more whiff of your stinking, cow manure laced, cum-guzzling, salty breath, I will hit you so hard your lazy eye will be the over-achiever.
Love,
Weekendsquire

Now They’re Hitting Us Where It Counts

Tanzmetall — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 21:38:39 +0000

Two security scares this weekend led to panic and paranoia among the citizens of Detroit, the center of American industry and culture that the terrorists had wisely targeted. This attempt to destroy a city that the rest of the country looks up to in awe is basically the terrorists’ way of saying, “Merry Christmas, America.”

Their goal: to turn Detroit into an uninhabitable wasteland, full of starving paupers who turn to crime because no legitimate work exists within the city limits. I cannot imagine a world where this would be true. It’s a fact… they hate our Detroit-centric way of life. We must not allow the terrorists to win.

Not since the terrorists crashed a plane in Somerset County has our country felt such pain.

Magma To Engulf Pittsburgh

Sgt. Earth — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:46:34 +0000

Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour.

“We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!”

“We don’t really like the label of ‘hard rock’ we’ve been given by the public,” said drummer Ash Lamps. “We’re really more of an igneous rock sound. ‘Molten rock’ works, too.”

Magma is best known for their 1974 hit, “A Caldera Full of Scorching Love”, off their seventh album, “Volcanic (My Love For You Is True).” Also playing are powerpop champions The Sediments, as well as underground R&B classic Metamorphic and the Heats & Pressures.

“This has been our first time playing in front of a live audience for over twenty years,” said grizzled frontman of Metamorphic, Jean-Paul Davis. “I hope we’ll be able to flow under the pressure, given some time. But you know what they say… if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the mantle.”

Not everyone is convinced that the show will be worth listening to, but everyone seems to agree that it will be worth seeing. “I’m not much of a fan of the igneous rock genre itself,” said Carnegie Mellon student Terrence Edwards, a sophomore in geoscience. “Much too fluid and hot-headed for me. But I will say this, Magma’s groupies are really spathic.” ‘Spathic’ refers to the high cuttability of a given mineral… that is, spathic rock has great cleavage. ‘Bizarrely perverted’ refers to student Terrence Edwards.

In this writer’s opinion, this is going to be the biggest act since Famous Frontman, His Orchestra, and Special Guest played at Heinz Hall in 1994, the great Hoverfish / Discount Viscount collaboration of ’82, or perhaps even The Ataris.

This article was originally published in readme, which contains some of your daily values of vitamins, minerals, and small cars.)

Early Airport Design Sketches from “Aeroport Run-Way Theory” by early 20th century aviator Franzen del Mutel

nom de pomme — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 03:48:23 +0000

Translated from the original German, these images and excerpts are from what is considered the founding text of aerodrome design at a time when heavier than air flight was less than a decade old. Del Mutel’s designs were mostly visions of structures to be built in a European future where cities had expanded so vastly that large, area-swallowing tracts of land for airports would be unavailable. Therefore, he tried to answer the question as to what would be best to build in a city environment but still large enough to handle the type of air traffic he expected to see. We see his genius in his original sketches.

This cross structure could be built into the arrangement of a city’s streets. The protocol for multiple planes using more than one runway at once was a bit suspect, however.

This idea pitted the planes against a pitched surface, allowing for a space saving compact spiral. The pilots would have to land a plane at a roughly 17 degree horizontal angle, and passengers would be subjected to some 3.4 times the force of gravity due to angular acceleration.

These tarmac loops could be added to any runway to add linear deceleration distance by expanding the runway vertically.

The stack structure is considered del Mutel’s quintessential plan. A three-tiered vertical parking deck type structure consisting of runways from which various aircraft would take off and land simultaneously.

Mayor Ravenstahl to tax the Old for Driving Slowly

doctor_subtle — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:31:32 +0000

In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax.

“Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference.

“Yinz can take a hike,” responded a homeless man in attendance, who himself only responds to the name “Light-Up Mike”.

“I’m sick,” he coughed, “of this government picking on specific groups of people, especially the helpless groups!”

“Oh?” said the Mayor. “How do you propose we do it, Light-Up Mike?”

“We steal the money from UPMC. They are less of a group and more of a maintenance organization.”

Just then, a Death Panel burst into the room, their white Judge’s Wigs arrayed atop black SWAT gear, and killed everyone.

“ALL KNEEL IN PRAISE OF UPMC!” the squad shouted.

And so began the Great Pittsburgh Dystopia of 2009.

The End.