New D&D character class: Democrat

I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

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Gather: The Magicking

The fabled woods of Nor are usually filled with the chirping of birds this time of year. Yet in the clearing near the Tree of Infinite Truths, no creature dare stir. Sitting upon the roots of the aged elm sits the Tree Guardian, a powerful dimension traveler, the wrinkles of his years resembling the sacred bark he rests his back against. Nature itself respects the elder’s meditation.

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Living with Peter, the Awful Korean Part Two: Smoke and Mirrors

So one might criticize my reaction to that initial night of sexile, since the blue scrunchie maneuver was something I might have given Peter reason to think was okay. (I hope to god Peter didn’t show that Chinese girl his “blue scrunchie maneuver” if you know what I mean, because what I mean is some kind of sex act).

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Frontline News: Cavalry Routs Calvary

YESTERDAY, THE WAR

The news of the day is the result of a massive battle between cavalry and calvary forces. In a rather spectacular victory, the cavalry rode over and destroyed nearly 95% of the calvary. Unprepared for horses or combat in general, the calvary tried to flee but the opposing side was much quicker and armed.

In unrelated news, grenadiers fighting the grenadines are finding it hard to destroy whole land masses with mere hand held explosives.

The Adventures of Wallgrampa.jpg

The original, wherein Wallgrampa poses for all the internet.
Being Wallgrampa, his biopic.

This image of a cheery but bizarrely-clothed Russian tourist appeared in Burpen’s Samba article a few months back. Although not as repulsive as the infamous awkward.jpg, the only thing stopping us from photoshopping him into strange situations months ago was our lack of time. But now, with finals looming for the students among us, excuses not to work are treasured.

And so I bring you: the Lurid Life of Lyurej.

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Old War Stories with Grandpa Simon and Grandma Tanzy

My buddy Bill from Boot.

I just got back from my 8th tour of duty. After the 3rd, they stop giving you tour guides.

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Diebold gives Sneak Preview of Election Results

In order to combat controversy about their electronic voting machines, Diebold’s public relations officer Bill Rossmer teased the press with the results in four states. “This will be a close election,” he said at the conference, “and we know that, because we’ve already decided most of it.” The announcement was intended to make the process more transparent.

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History Lessons from Adjunct Professor N.D. Apple, D.eD. 2

Lecture 2 – The Battle of Blood Gulch

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Study: 1 in 4 Men Has Been Un-raped

“It was horrible,” said Ben Carr, who spoke to Clunkline on condition of anonymity. “I asked a girl for sex and she turned me down. I wanted it, she didn’t, and she just forced her decision on me!” Carr broke down into tears, expecting us to put our arm around him and comfort him with a shoulder, but instead we backed slowly out of the room.

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Hillary Clinton: “We Can Still Win Vietnam”

“I killed all of them in hand to hand combat while ducking sniper fire.”

Hillary Clinton today denounced critics who said she should pull out of Vietnam. “The war’s not over yet. Not everyone has fired off all their rounds! Let’s stop letting the pundits say who’s won this war and just let everyone shoot.”

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Poll Suggests that you “Cram It”

A recent poll by the Reuters news agency has found the overwhelming opinion of Americans lies in the ever present option of ‘cramming it’. When reached for comment, a spokesman stated that the poll was not subject to any bias and that they weren’t “just making this shit up”, and also that the large amount of data collected verifies the truth of the results, even providing this graph to that point.

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Grabass_Champion only plays grabass with JERKS

And that’s because he IS one.

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