Protesters Protest Protester Protests

On Capitol Hill today there were quite a few unhappy people parading around in three distinct groups. The first to show up were the protesters, unhappy about the job congress was doing and intent to say something about it. Second, about an hour later, protesters arrived to protest the protesters, claiming they were nutjobs and shouldn’t bother our hardworking representatives during their already stressful workday. The final group to descend upon Capitol Hill also consisted of protesters, these protesting the protesters protesting the protesters who were protesting congress.

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Butterfly

I did not have friends growing up. I was too quiet, too reserved, too terrified of being hurt by other people. My parents never beat me, in contrast, the house was overly safe, and I think that’s what the problem was. My mother had constructed a sanctuary for me to keep out the evils of the world, but by the time I would have entered school, it was a psychological prison. Years passed by in solitude as I remained stagnant. Time has no meaning to those who remain unchanged.

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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

This comes in 14 parts. I know you see YouTube and go, “Oh, short attention span!” No. This will take up two hours of your time, so be prepared.

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Things that Aren’t Laws, but Should Be

Part of this article is jaw-droppingly insensitive and tasteless. We won’t cover the costs of your monocle if it flies from your eye and shatters on the floor. Proceed at your own risk.


1) No dollar menu item shall cost more than or less than a dollar.

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DC Voting Act Preserves “One Man, One Vote”, Except in Utah, which is Special

A bill has passed the House to give a Representative in Congress to the heavily-Democratic District of Columbia, which has lacked any sort of voice in the Capitol since the nation’s founding. License plates in DC are emblazoned with “Taxation without Representation” in protest.

Controversially, the bill also contains a provision giving an extra Congressional vote to Republican Utah, in order to even out the partisan mixture of the new additions. Utah narrowly missed getting an extra seat in 2000, and has since been throwing temper tantrums. “No taxation without disproportionate representation,” read license plates in Utah.

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Obama Pushes Magic Reset Button

Immediately after his inauguration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama pushed the Magic Economic Reset Button located in the Oval Office. The Magic Reset Button immediately fixed various complex problems without any short-term sacrifices or any need for patience.

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Travel Guide to Pointless Places: Land of the Yoopers

The height of Yooper fashion, and the first result in Google.

The Upper Peninsula of Michigan is the Scandinavia of America: cold, out-of-the-way, and pointless. It’s like the Finnish translation of Appalachia. Somewhere along the line, someone in the U.P. thought it would be a good idea to refer to themselves as a “Yooper” (U.P.-er), and ever since, anyone with any sense has avoided it.

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Guantanamo Bay Foreclosed

A deadline has been set for the closure of the Orwellian detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, the 250 illegally-held detainees failed to pay the mortgage.

Congress is now debating ways of bailing out the alleged terrorists who live there. This is reasonable, because if Congress bailed out AIG executives, that standard should apply to people who are less heinous assholes.

New National Poll: Hunter 52, Dodd 43

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA)

With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.

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McCain Releases New Web Video

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced over the weekend that he would be committing to a new shift in strategy, but few before today could have been sure exactly what he meant. His new internet ad, titled Economic Stimulus Package, shows him bailing out Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), seizing control of the markets and giving it to her, and releasing his rebate check all over her face.

It is as popular as it is controversial.

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The Economy is Boring

We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring.

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Congress Approves 3 New Flaws for Nuclear Power

A celebratory Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), flanked by lobbyists from the environmental movement, announced that Congress had just approved three new flaws of Nuclear Power, continuing her brave crusade to keep the totally dangerous and obviously bad energy source away from America.

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I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

As H.L. Mencken once said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”

I partly blame the excessive, ridiculous primary campaign, but this year’s election season has been too close, too long, and too dire for me to bear. I spend far too much time reading, thinking, and writing about it. And the race is close because people are too stupid or ignorant or apathetic to give a shit about it. What an insult to people like me who actually think about things.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama’s VP Picks, Part IV

Evan “Clintonite” Bayh
Hillary “Rodham” Clinton
Profile
Profile
Indiana Senator Evan “Clintonite” Bayh is one of those VP contenders who leaves you scratching your head. You only hear about him with regards to his being from a swing state or how he’s a VP contender. You never hear, “Recent Bayh-sponsored legislation was really popular and successful.” Even Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd got on my good side recently with his hard-line opposition to the FISA bill, and if Dodd can do something, anyone should be able to. But the only thing Bayh has opposed that anybody noticed was Obama’s candidacy. New York Senator Hillary “Rodham” Clinton is Obama’s most bitter formal rival, who ran on a platform of “I Deserve Everything” earlier this year. The movement to conscript her as Obama’s running mate is vast, even though it would do no good for Obama’s candidacy, since her voters are already either for him, or they will be for him in November and just don’t know it yet.

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Swing State Profile: Pennsylvania

Why A Swinger?

Pennsylvania is half enlightened East Coast state and half Rust Belt / Appalachia hellhole. Clunkline, located over the second ‘h’ in “Hellhole”, has a unique perspective on this phenomenon.

Depending on how many ignorant people the Republicans can motivate with their fear of Terror, fear of God, and fear of those who look different, Pennsylvanian elections are won or lost.

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