Today, I retained my job with the U.S. Census. Ordinarily, this would not be something of note, but yesterday I was informed that I might be FIRED FROM MY FEDERAL JOB.
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In light of tax day and the recent economic recession, Clunkline presents a special report on one area of the economy that is booming—usury. Why pay 200% APR on a reputable payday loan or even 25% on a credit card payment when you could pay 24.99% to get a loan from Tony Soprano? And why not? You’re good for it… aren’t you? AREN’T YOU!?!?!?! Two security scares this weekend led to panic and paranoia among the citizens of Detroit, the center of American industry and culture that the terrorists had wisely targeted. This attempt to destroy a city that the rest of the country looks up to in awe is basically the terrorists’ way of saying, “Merry Christmas, America.”
For those who can’t read the text in crappy cameraphone pictures, it says “MISUSE SUBJECT TO PROSECUTION”. What could you possibly do to misuse a milk crate? Does sitting on it constitute misuse? What about furnishing your entire house? How are they going to find out anyway? Is there an arm of the FBI designed specifically to prosecute milk crate crime? Is the President going to declare war on milk crate misuse like we’ve declared war on drugs and poverty? If he does, will it make it even more ironic that he has a Nobel Peace Prize? From the Desk of the First Church of Lego (Reformed) Good morning, my fellow minifigures. I have received many troubling confessions as of late. It seems many members of our community are harboring dangerous thoughts as to the nature of the Creator. Questions are being asked that can only lead to treason against the almighty Builder and His books of divine instruction. I have taken it upon myself to dispel these concerns once and for all so that all of us fellow bricks can once more unite in the name of Lego. The siege of Greenland continues into its third turn as Blue forces continue their relentless push to unify the western world. Only three Yellow defenders now hold the American choke point, but the partisans have held their ground in a move top Blue officials are calling “soooooo lucky,” and “total bullshit.” Despite the gloomy predictions of both Yellow and Blue commanders, the Greenland Defenders have been victorious against twenty attacking Blues, including 7 ties that went to the defenders. Tan has offered military advice, saying Blue shouldn’t roll all three of his dice in light of the bad luck streak, but all military aid has been refused. Blue has vowed to continue its push against Greenland, but experts feel the European superpower has left itself open to attack.
Few television shows directly cause domestic abuse. It is rare to find one that actually forces anyone to clock the nearest person in a fit of pure rage. But there is some evidence that television does cause violence. In the course of researching this article, my roommate was hospitalized for more wounds than I can count. He was suffering from a fractured collarbone, a split pelvis, a dislocated bladder, and an extra spinal cord. (For the life of me I can’t remember where I got that extra spinal cord.) And then he made the mistake to have Dougie Howser on when I came to visit his ward. God rest his soul… but I believe my point was, Dougie Howser makes you want to kill. Astute readers of this site will have noticed that Clunkline has recently added a new writer to our zoo: Simon Jester. Now we expect that all of you have heard of him already and probably wonder why Clunkline would sully its good name with such a monster. Certainly, the events of his scandalous life and mysterious death need no further elaboration. However, he has assured us that since his resurrection he is a changed man, and if there is one thing Clunkline stands for, it is child labor. But if there were two things Clunkline stood for, the other thing would be second chances, which is why we ask you, the readers, to give Simon Jester a shot. Thanks for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Bulgaria. As westerners, it can be difficult to comprehend the cesspool that is this Balkan state. Therefore, as a world traveler, I have done the hard work and gone to this black hole of reason and law to ascertain its purpose and reveal it to the learned world. |
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