|
||||||
|
World Very Surprised “To say the least, the increased, two-way aggression in the Gaza Strip has shocked us. Who would have thought that a state founded on ethnicity and divine mandate would come into conflict with a displaced people of a different ethnicity and different divine mandate?” asked U.S. State Department spokesman Bill Reed in a press conference. He then spent several minutes playing cheerily with his pencil. “You guys ever notice how, when you drop something, it falls?” he asked us with childlike curiosity, watching his pencil clatter to the floor. “How remarkable. I wonder if anyone’s thought of a succinct way of describing that. Maybe something like, ‘obvious cause and effect’.”
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark. The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative. We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”. In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”.
Recently, Barack Obama sent me this email.
We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring. “My friends, these are tough times,” said McCain in a stump speech usually filled with insincere platitudes. But this time was different. “But seriously, my friends. I have a very serious announcement to make. My checkbook is in crisis. My beautiful wife, Cindy, was one of the principal investors in AIG… and the Lehman Brothers… and Merrill Lynch… and… well… pretty much everything that just fell apart. As a result, we’ve been foreclosed out of most of our homes. Like the average American family on Main Street, we’re feeling the pinch.” After having tried many times to sell scripts commercially, I am pleased to announce that I am now in the bzneszs of selling commercial scripts! I hope you like them (I know I do!) as much as I do. Please contact the appropriate companies and let them know they need to use these commercials or the consequences will be worse than anything their darkest imaginations can imagine. Sincerely yours friend, 10: An economic crisis happening at 3AM. And someone calling the President about it. But, seriously. Go vote today, if our system will let you. Even if you’re voting for Clinton. Your opinion counts, even if in my estimation it’s wrong. As of press time, Operation Chinese Fire Drill has reached what seems to be its final resting place with the signing of the Treaty of Paris #82-B; all belligerents are agreed to a cease fire, even though no casualties ever occurred. And yes, this reporter just linked two interdependent clauses with a semicolon. This is only possible because of the sheer size of the independently planned and executed offensives by the party nations, Korea (invaded Australia), Australia (invaded Japan), and Japan (invaded Korea), creating the largest non-allied multinational offensive in history, required the entire population and war machine of each nation to be mobilized and utilized in the attacks, leaving their homelands bare and uninhabited. |
Entries feed:
Comments feed:
|
|||||
Copyright © 2012 Clunkline - All Rights Reserved Powered by WordPress & the Atahualpa Theme by BytesForAll. Discuss on our WP Forum 205 queries. 0.486 seconds. View in: Mobile | Standard
|
||||||
