Arizona’s law requires that potential illegal immigrants (e.g. Hispanic people) have immigration documents on them at all times. Supporters and critics of the measure alike agree that it’s the toughest measure on immigration ever seen in the U.S., or at least they did, until today.

“Many of our original immigrants may have arrived in the United States without immigration papers,” said Dr. Harold Landfor, an expert on immigration law, “especially considering that the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service didn’t exist at the time. Also, many people who have been here for a while – say, a couple generations – may have done so without a visa, green card, or other relevant paperwork. If these people don’t have something on their person proving their status as legal aliens, I think it’s clear that they must be up to no good and should therefore be deported post-haste.”

Added Dr. Landfor, “It’s staggering what percentage of crimes in this country are committed by the descendants of Irish, English, Scottish, Italian, French, Albanian, African, Bolivian, German, Sudanese, Chinese, Japanese, Ethiopean, Cuban, and other immigrants. And 90% of these people don’t even have green cards anymore.”

“Think of all the jobs these people are taking away from hard-working American citizens,” said Janice Zepali, a store manager in Philadelphia. “Without these groups overrunning our country, unemployment and other hallmarks of the economic crisis would disappear. Of course, so would the economy. Agriculture for everyone!”

The measure has proved a big hit among far-right wingers, as it promises to deport President Barack Obama back to one of his ancestors’ home countries, chosen at random, because as a U.S. Citizen he naturally doesn’t have any immigration papers. “Now that, friends, is change I can believe in,” chortled Sarah Palin, who didn’t seem to mind that she was being deported too. Other members of government to be departed include: all of the House, all of the Senate, and everyone else, except for Senator Russell Pearce, who seemed to have been preparing for just such an occasion. All of his papers appeared to be in order.

When asked how they felt about the new laws, local Native American youth John Fresh-Eagle responded by high-fiving with his friends and attempting to high-five this reporter. (We reciprocated, albeit with somewhat mixed feelings.) However, after a moment one of them got real quiet and said they hoped no one realized that they might’ve only been here for 12,000 years or so.

To make a long story short, the Native American community’s initial response was positive, but they did have a few reservations.

Located within this fiberglass log is a fat rodent that I believe they breed to ooze some kind of pheromone to direct more people to it. For hours the arriving victims are hypnotized by one of the cult leaders, who carries around a giant clock and commands the audience to dance around and chant, “Hey Ben, what time is it?” and mock them by forcing them to repeat–which I am sure is only for the cult’s sick pleasure–“Hey Ben, how cold is it?”

Hours upon hours, as the temperature rises and falls somewhere between ten and ten below, the drunken males float through the waves of people and the occasional cloud of smoke rises above the crowd that I can only assume is to dull the overwhelming power of the pheromones.

Upon the time the claim to release the vermin, they distract the audience with bright lights, the Pennsylvania Polka, and a parade of more of the cult members. After they announce the each member of the “inner circle,” which I am positive is symbolic seeing as circles never end, they pull the groundhog out of the fiber glass log. The most disappointing part of the entire ordeal is that they don’t even sacrifice the bastard! The head of the “inner circle” talks to the animal and apparently, it talks back claiming to predict the seasons! Miserable from the overall experience, a train of zombie-people slithers through the town back to their beds, drained.

I’m sure there is a deeper conspiracy here but I myself am too drained to figure it out.

Why A Swinger? Coloradians are generally insecure what with being continually asked by visitors to arrange themselves in circles.

Quick Facts Mixing up Wyoming and Colorado on a map there is punishable by prison time.

Cannibal: The Musical was filmed here. Hahaha “you shot him” that scene was funny. Also the samurai indians.

Keys To Victory Be considerate of the fine balance between cosmopolitan Denver and the rural agricultural regions.

Be confident and generous with your patience. Allow citizens to engage in discourse easily.

…Oh, who am I kidding, just cave to your desires and just quote and reference South Park endlessly.

Who Will Win? Obama by default what with the fucking amazing convention. Did you see the part where he spoke? It was like watching Zeus hurl thunderbolts at mountain tops.