U.S. Takes Action on Immigration, Demands Everyone Carry Immigration Papers

Spurred on by Arizona legislature’s new immigration law, the federal government has now taken action to end illegal immigration. Permanently. Like, all of it.

Arizona’s law requires that potential illegal immigrants (e.g. Hispanic people) have immigration documents on them at all times. Supporters and critics of the measure alike agree that it’s the toughest measure on immigration ever seen in the U.S., or at least they did, until today.

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Breaking: American Rappers, Chinese Shopkeers Endorse 'Crunkrine'

INNER ATLANTA

In a coming together of cultures, several representatives from the American hip hop community including Jay-Z, Lil John, and Michael Steele, met with many local first generation Chinese immigrant shopkeeps and buffeteers to endorse their favorite website, Crunkrine.

We accept, gentlemen. Thank you!

Now They're Hitting Us Where It Counts

Two security scares this weekend led to panic and paranoia among the citizens of Detroit, the center of American industry and culture that the terrorists had wisely targeted. This attempt to destroy a city that the rest of the country looks up to in awe is basically the terrorists’ way of saying, “Merry Christmas, America.”

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Just Sayin'

Ever said anything that you instantly regretted? Ever been at a funeral for a retarded person who got murdered by neo-nazis and told someone that maybe we should just euthanize the fuckers, after all they’re just a big cost to society?

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Opinion: You Should’ve Stopped Those Squirrels From Almost Destroying Human Civilization

You thought it was the stuff of fiction. You said it couldn’t happen here. You were wrong; dead wrong. Too bad you’re the President of the United States.

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Non-Metalheads Gear Up For “Brutal Legend” Release

Double Fine Productions’ new metal-themed video game “Brutal Legend” is scheduled for release in less than two weeks. Anticipation for the game has been building up for months, and some fans couldn’t be more excited.

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Trifecta

My otherwise perfect physical appearance is marred by a horrible deformity, so grotesque that I am shunned by members of polite society. Yes, I speak of my third nipple.

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Penis Safari

Like many of you whose girlfriend has left them for another species, I often find myself comparing my penis to that of many animals. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to degrade yourself, I went to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, home of more than 245 preserved penises to learn about the wonders of the animal penis kingdom.

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War Erupts in Middle East

World Very Surprised

“To say the least, the increased, two-way aggression in the Gaza Strip has shocked us. Who would have thought that a state founded on ethnicity and divine mandate would come into conflict with a displaced people of a different ethnicity and different divine mandate?” asked U.S. State Department spokesman Bill Reed in a press conference.

He then spent several minutes playing cheerily with his pencil. “You guys ever notice how, when you drop something, it falls?” he asked us with childlike curiosity, watching his pencil clatter to the floor. “How remarkable. I wonder if anyone’s thought of a succinct way of describing that. Maybe something like, ‘obvious cause and effect’.”

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Travel Guide to Pointless Places: Land of the Yoopers

The height of Yooper fashion, and the first result in Google.

The Upper Peninsula of Michigan is the Scandinavia of America: cold, out-of-the-way, and pointless. It’s like the Finnish translation of Appalachia. Somewhere along the line, someone in the U.P. thought it would be a good idea to refer to themselves as a “Yooper” (U.P.-er), and ever since, anyone with any sense has avoided it.

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On Materialism and Other Things that Make Total Sense

I don’t want anything for Christmas. I became unmaterialistic by accident.

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Student-Taught Courses that Didn’t Make it Past the Drawing Board

Understanding Furries
History of Procrastination
How to Grow a Beard
Breaking and Entering for Beginners

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Dear Mr. Bolivar,

The impressive empire that once was.
(Yellow only; grey indicates outlying areas)

I am writing to you as a representative of the people of Wales. I understand that you are very busy freeing South America from the tyrannical grip of a decadent Spain, but I sincerely hope you will have a chance to read my heartfelt appeal.

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How to Win the Election, Culturejammer Style

On my visit to the Obama Oakland office today, I thought of several things which, taken together, would surely cripple McCain’s operations once and for all.

-Late in the day, go into his campaign offices, pretend to volunteer, writing fake names on things. This is just a pretense to get inside. Then, when nobody is paying attention, turn their thermostat all the way up and leave. Do this late enough in the day that nobody will notice. On top of making the office unlivable for a few hours the next day, you’ll drive up his utility bills. Yay!

-Get a McCain sticker on your car. Put it next to a Confederate Flag sticker. Cut people off on the highway and throw beer cans at pedestrians.

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My Pet Peeves (4)

Y’know, it’s interesting that somebody just put up a post on this site complaining about imitators because that just happens to be what this issue of “My Pet Peeves” covers. I HATE it when people borrow (more like annex) the work and styles of someone else’s efforts. This means that 99.9999999% of the time, I hate fan videos of movies and shows, covers of already famous and popular songs, homemade comics on the web featuring casts of characters that already exist and are copyrighted like Naruto, photoshop images of things that photoshop images have already been made of, and the list goes on and on. The post I mentioned above featured yet another thing we have all seen many versions of, something which we have all come to love and then grow tired of in one sitting: Motivational posters and their many, many, MANY EFFING MANY parodies. Now that the internet is home to somewhere over nine thousand of these parodies, who in their right mind, in their left mind, or even in their auxiliary mind would want to be just another person to make yet one more? Who wants to become a statistic, really?

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