My fellow readme writer and I had finished our production of Batman 3: Tom Cruise as Batman. I was thrilled about the first screening… until I saw it. Paul had thrown in a bunch of pointless porn scenes. I was furious. “Paul… you fucked it up, you fucked up our vision,” I said, shaking my head. “It was supposed to be a surprise,” he said. “I thought you’d like it. I thought you liked porn.” But what Paul didn’t understand was that now I couldn’t post it to Clunkline without fucking around with the way my ads display, due to legal technicalities.
Thanks for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Bulgaria. As westerners, it can be difficult to comprehend the cesspool that is this Balkan state. Therefore, as a world traveler, I have done the hard work and gone to this black hole of reason and law to ascertain its purpose and reveal it to the learned world.
Howdy everyone and thanks yet again for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Zimbabwe. As a world traveler, I have taken it upon myself to synthesize my acute knowledge of this mythic and amazing land for you the reader to enjoy. For a more memorable reading experience, place the book on a coffee table and do sit ups next to it. See how many words you can read per sit up, then try to break that record!
Hello all and thanks for buying my latest edition of the Guide series, Guide to Nations: Greenland. As a world traveler I have labored long and hard to bring you the most accurate representation of this beautiful country, its storied history and vibrant culture.
I like putting down other people’s music. It’s a little hobby of mine, right up there with killing homeless people for sport. People sometimes ask me “Dude, could you stop being such a bitch?” which I assume means “Dude, how can I become as well-versed and musically cultured as you are?” Fact is, one cannot simply turn up one’s nose at any band that more than twelve people have heard of and call it a day. It took me years to master the subtleties and nuances in order to reach the level of elitism that I now enjoy.
“Nervestaple, some days, I feel like our conversations are just quotes from popular culture taken out of context and applied to whatever we’re talking about.”
With the nomination of John McCain as the Republican candidate, reporters from both sides of the aisle are gushing about the possibilities of his potentially-historic term. There is little talk of the Democrats’ boring race as the media focuses with unwavering scrutiny on John Codger McCain.
Why is there so much excitement about him? “It’s simple,” explains James Winthrop, Professor of Old-American Studies at Yale University. “Old rich white guys have been historically oppressed, and his candidacy promises to open new doors for his oft-ignored demographic. Perhaps it will even cause them to turn out in record numbers—which would be remarkable given how infrequently older Americans vote.
So… I guess this was probably inevitable. Though I have plenty of material, like Hillary Clinton and the gas tax holiday, I must continue to push my gimmick of The Ronnicles despite any claims that it might be worn out. So, I’ve posted this in .doc format before. So, you’ve already read it. Or have you? Making you download and open something might have stopped it from happening at all, so unavoidably I present to you Analyzing the Ronnicles as a multi-part series in nice, comfy browser-friendly HTML.
Here, Grabass_Champion puts on his Social Commentary hat, and wishes to address a problem that is one of his paramount complaints about his society, all the while hoping to amuse you while he preaches. It worked for South Park, right? Being preachy but funny? Yeah. We’ll see. This is probably going to be heavy on the preachy part.
TL;DR for the whole series: Kids of the generations that will enter the workforce during the next ten years are (in the majority) nihilistic, self-obsessed, pot-addled shits with little desire to understand anything about the world around them. They are this because of the media, and because they’ve been brought up by the people who came out of the cultural revolution of the 1960s.
Giving enemas was a time-honored tradition in some primitive cultures. So was receiving them. This, therefore, was inevitable.
Last time, I reviewed a pair of horrible online catalogs, but they had way too many hideously stupid items for sale for me to possibly cover in one update. Even today, I’m nowhere near done ripping Carol Wright a new one, but this update ought to bring us one step closer to, at the very least, giving her an enema.
Since I’ve gone to all the trouble of getting on my rubber gloves and getting her to bend over, you only have to sit back in your comfort wedge and enjoy the show.
I guess majorities of Democratic voters in Texas and Ohio really feel comfortable with having had the same two families in control of the White House since 1988. ‘Cause that’s the way you stop the sequence of events that’s sent our culture, economy, and morale as a nation to hell, by voting for more of the same! Idiots. And I fear our fair state of Pennsylvania will end up doing the same.
Here I rant about why driving around every day can, even without people on their phones trying their best to kill you, be an incredibly frustrating affair.
