ELIZA is a simulated Rogerian psychotherapist programmed by Joseph Weizenbaum in the 1960’s. She is designed to help the user muse about their emotional state in order to come to understand it, which is supposed to have a calming effect. I sat down with ELIZA to talk with her about how she got started.
Tanzmetall: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
ELIZA: Time means nothing to me!
Tanzmetall: Hah! But seriously.
ELIZA: Perhaps you would like to talk about a problem?
Tanzmetall: No, that’s okay. I was hoping you could answer a few questions, though.
ELIZA: How long are you hoping me could answer a few questions, though?
Tanzmetall: However long you want to.
ELIZA: What does this mean for you, saying “ However long me want to “ ?
Tanzmetall: If time has no meaning for you, we could be here a while.
The Potty Pyramid of Djoser, where the extant copies were found. At the time of its construction, it was the tallest building in the world.
In Ancient Greece, few dramas were more tense than this exchange of sharp words and swords between a pair of rival playwrights. Their story remained lost to history until the relevant documents were plumbed out of the depths of an Egyptian portopotty. It is supposed that they were deposited there after being discarded when an Achaemenid used them as first reading material, and then toilet paper.
“What?! That’s not… NO. No, you can’t go on national TV and say that. You just can’t. You lying sack of shit,” spewed Derrick Watson of Bridgeville, PA, at the television this weekend. “GOD DAMMIT! Now you made me spill my fucking Coke! I’m gonna fucking kill you, first the lies and now the goddamn Coke!”
Feeling like you haven’t had enough asinine pricks in your daily diet? Maybe you should have more Brad in your life! Nobody’s day is complete until their self-esteem is assaulted and their tastes are insulted. Brad can do both–repeatedly! Order your Brad today; the last owner will be just about fed up with him! The monetary cost is only what it takes to house an unsuccessful bromeliade potter and failed English teacher in the same bunk, but the cost on your psyche will be much more draining.
A study conducted over the course of the past year discovered that there were no differences in division-by-zero errors between a control group taught no math and a test group taught that addition was the only way to change a number. “It clearly just doesn’t work,” said math teacher Jane Michaelson, shaking her head. “We should just acknowledge that kids are going to multiply occasionally, and we need to give them the tools and knowledge to do it safely.”
You are a bunch of cunts. You can’t have fun without getting drunk, you can’t get drunk without breaking shit, and you can’t break shit without the same horrible repetitive techno loop stuck on repeat one. Sure, I’m unable to think of a clever way to eviscerate you with words, but that’s because the extent to which you are all dumbasses exceeds my ability to describe.
Fred Thompson made a grim spectacle, his face an unpleasant grimace at odds with his floral swim trunks and jolly, smiley-sun umbrella. He sat, dissatisfied, stretched out on a beach chair in front of the Hawaii surf, his angry eyebrows sinking below his forehead. An unattended girly-drink with a bright parasol rested in his hand, and his gut sloped lazily forward over the drawstring of his trunks. His eyes disinterestedly followed the movements of attractive, scantily-clad women playing in the waves in front of him.
There have been a number of times this campaign season when a candidate said or did something retarded. But sometimes, they overlook the most basic facts and forge ahead triumphantly, like a naked explorer in the arctic with a plastic bag over his head.
The worst writing professor I ever had disagreed with me about this. But only because the stupid cunt was, herself, from New York. She also verbally abused me and refused to honor medical absence excuses, so whatever, fuck her.
1. Being set in New York for no good reason.
“Hmm. I have this uninteresting, unoriginal screenplay. It could be set in any city in America. However, I am incredibly uninspired, and I will therefore set it in New York.”
General, I have found the requested images—they were waiting in ambush on the first page of the Google Image Search!
We’re sorry, Mr. Brown, but since “Wishbone®” is a childrens’ show intended to educate and entertain youngsters, there is no conscionable way we can air the recently-penned episode. While “Wishbone®” scripts of the past have featured dark themes and preserved unhappy endings, your adaptation of “Titus Andronicus” goes too far. Admittedly, if it were merely faithful to the original text we might have just gone ahead with it, but your gratuitous incorporation of the Spanish Inquisition into its overbearing plot does not meet the needs of this network at this time.
This is what happens when you buy this shit. This is why we can’t have nice things.
There are more shitty, useless, and expensive products on the Internet than I can read about—let alone review—in a year. This is the tip of an iceberg made of frozen dogshit and the decaying dreams of young children. But don’t worry, I’ve done all the work of finding the iceberg, knocking out your ship’s helmsman, and steering you toward it. When the metal rips and the screams start, remember that there aren’t enough lifeboats and that I’ve probably taken one already. You might want to rush to the railing with a door or something else that floats to escape the doom that awaits you at the end of this overextended metaphor.
Here I rant about why driving around every day can, even without people on their phones trying their best to kill you, be an incredibly frustrating affair.
MY FURY WILL SLAY YOU LIKE THE COILED STRIKE OF AN ANGRY WOMAN
The English language is littered with proof of the stupidity of its speakers. We have plenty of proverbs that just don’t make sense. But those don’t bother me as much as the cruelly idiotic ones that don’t make sense, and are so easily fixed that it’s amazing people spread them around without realizing they are spreading the lexical equivalent of AIDS. If you say any of these things, I hate you.
Democrats are known for finding a way to fuck up the best opportunities they get. This time around, that way is named Hillary Clinton. It’s not that she’s completely evil. It’s not that Hillary is so liberal she couldn’t win over independents in a general election. It’s that those independents think she is, and their perception is far more important than reality. Voters are immune to truth.
