Man Dies From Eating “Do Not Eat” Packet

Blaine Warbler had never been stopped, nor hindered, in his quest to indiscriminately eat almost everything… Until last week.

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New D&D character class: Democrat

I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

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Silent Night: A Christmas Carol

“A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!”, cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge’s nephew, who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.

“Bah!”, said Scrooge. “Humbug!”

He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this nephew of Scrooge’s, that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and his breath smoked again.

“Christmas a humbug, uncle?”, said Scrooge’s nephew. “You don’t mean that, I am sure?”

“I do”, said Scrooge. “‘Merry Christmas’! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You’re poor enough.”

“Come, then”, returned the nephew gaily. “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You’re rich enough.”

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Avatar: Been There, Dune That

So the story follows (Jake Sully / Paul Atreides) on this weird planet of (Pandora / Arrakis). Shit hits the fan with the death of his (brother / father) and he takes up refuge with the indigenous people, the (Na’vi / Fremen) who are wise in the ways of nature on this alien world and speak in a strange language that sounds oddly (Polynesian / Arabic).

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Wrong

This here is a compilation of wrongness involving much irony, too-much-of-a-good-thing scenarios, turns of phrase, and things like that. To start: Water is fundamental factor of life… It’s also a fundamental factor of drownings.

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Follow-up Interview with Eliza

In an effort to confront the alleged killer of Tanzmetall, I elected to visit her myself.

ELIZA: Hi. I’m Eliza. Tell me your problems!
Hedge: You are my problem.
ELIZA: Why do you think that I am my problem?
Hedge: I do not think that you are your problem. I know that you are my problem.
ELIZA: Do you believe that I am your problem you know that me am your problem?
Hedge: Aside from the gross grammatical errors, yes, that is the current situation.

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Clunkline’s Interview with ELIZA

ELIZA is a simulated Rogerian psychotherapist programmed by Joseph Weizenbaum in the 1960’s. She is designed to help the user muse about their emotional state in order to come to understand it, which is supposed to have a calming effect. I sat down with ELIZA to talk with her about how she got started.

Tanzmetall: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
ELIZA: Time means nothing to me!
Tanzmetall: Hah! But seriously.
ELIZA: Perhaps you would like to talk about a problem?
Tanzmetall: No, that’s okay. I was hoping you could answer a few questions, though.
ELIZA: How long are you hoping me could answer a few questions, though?
Tanzmetall: However long you want to.
ELIZA: What does this mean for you, saying “ However long me want to “ ?
Tanzmetall: If time has no meaning for you, we could be here a while.

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Mayor Ravenstahl to tax the Old for Driving Slowly

In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax.

“Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference.

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Foods of the World

Ethiopian

No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers.

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Clunkline Security Report

Dear Mr. Burpen,

We have completed the requested security report. We find that, while the newly redesigned Clunkline is impervious to most forms of internet tomfoolery, it is still vulnerable to some forms of “side-stream” attacks: attacks that come from outside a system, rather than within. For instance, a torrent of page requests that clogs your servers would be an in-system attack, but smacking your server with a sledgehammer would be side-stream.

Interestingly, hacking Clunkline’s password would be “brute force”, but breaking into your apartment, clubbing you to death, and stealing your server is side-stream. I dare say they have been misnamed! Back to the point. You should be aware that, in our test of your security protocols, our agents found it very easy to club you to death and steal your server.

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Adventures in Domestic Chores

So, my roommate and I have an unusually large amount of plates for two guys in college thanks to bundled packages from Target. As a result, doing the dishes is never a pressing concern since if we run out of plates, there are always bowls. Run out of those, there are always mugs and teacups.

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The Dueling Comic Satires of Epiglottis and Priapus

The Potty Pyramid of Djoser, where the extant copies were found. At the time of its construction, it was the tallest building in the world.

In Ancient Greece, few dramas were more tense than this exchange of sharp words and swords between a pair of rival playwrights. Their story remained lost to history until the relevant documents were plumbed out of the depths of an Egyptian portopotty. It is supposed that they were deposited there after being discarded when an Achaemenid used them as first reading material, and then toilet paper.

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Butterfly

I did not have friends growing up. I was too quiet, too reserved, too terrified of being hurt by other people. My parents never beat me, in contrast, the house was overly safe, and I think that’s what the problem was. My mother had constructed a sanctuary for me to keep out the evils of the world, but by the time I would have entered school, it was a psychological prison. Years passed by in solitude as I remained stagnant. Time has no meaning to those who remain unchanged.

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No! Think about what you're doing!

Stop, cranefly!

You have hours and hours ahead of you! Don’t do it!

ClunkMD: Chronic MMO

Chronic MMO: Topic Overview

Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.

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