How to Use Clunkline: The New Version

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The Tardigrade Conference on World Domination

Ladies, gentlemen, and members of Tardigrade species for whom gender has no meaning… I welcome you to the twilight of humanity. For centuries, these worthless fools have debated the numbers of angels dancing on the heads of pins, while they should have been counting the numbers of us who were on those pins, killing those angels.
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär

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Why Not Us: My Time In the Senate with Al Franken

I have no idea who that guy in the middle is.

Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection.

July 19, 2009

Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo!

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Travel Guide to Pointless Places: Land of the Yoopers

The height of Yooper fashion, and the first result in Google.

The Upper Peninsula of Michigan is the Scandinavia of America: cold, out-of-the-way, and pointless. It’s like the Finnish translation of Appalachia. Somewhere along the line, someone in the U.P. thought it would be a good idea to refer to themselves as a “Yooper” (U.P.-er), and ever since, anyone with any sense has avoided it.

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Popular New Cell Phones and their Uses by Lucky Goldstar and Apple Phones

EightyEight – Function as a flux capacitor.

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Maverick maverick

Sarah Palin has been ignoring the McCain campaign’s orders and just kind of running her own (even sloppier) campaign. Apparently she values the advice of a View host over that of her campaign’s managers. What a maverick of the maverick.

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Debate and Switch

Pool reporters were stunned Thursday when Mitt Romney greeted them on the campaign plane with his trademark grin—instead of Sarah Palin, whom the reporters were fairly sure had been the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. Romney, attempting a Bluff check, smiled away most doubts that he had always been McCain’s VP.

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And I'd Just Like to Give a Shoutout to...

Shoutouts. They’re a way of letting people know you’re thinking of them enough to let other people know you’re thinking of them. And all too often, they are misused. There is an increasingly alarming growth of people ignorant to when the shoutout is appropriate. To remedy this epidemic, I have compiled a list of when a shoutout is appropriate, and when it is not. Please note it with due consideration.

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Op-Ed: The word “Feminazi” should be banned from intelligent debate

From the desk of the outspoken Ms. Droth Ackermann:

The term “feminazi” is offensive to women and demeaning to a perfectly valid cause.

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McCain’s Upcoming Desperate Game-Changers

We spoke to Campaign Manager Steve Schmidt on condition of anonymity. Here are the strategies he says McCain is going to try in the next month.

1. When the economy does anything, point the other direction and yell, “Look over there!”

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Sarah Palin's Debate Notes

Sarah McCain
Sarah McCain! <3
damn mooses

lol he says nukular wrong

Sarah McCain!!!


Palin Exceeds, you know, what I mean is, Expectations

In tonight’s debate, well, back in Alaska, the people on Main Street Alaska think Governor and former mayor executive Sarah Palin did gosh-darn pretty well, you know.

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Man Argues Loudly with Television

“What?! That’s not… NO. No, you can’t go on national TV and say that. You just can’t. You lying sack of shit,” spewed Derrick Watson of Bridgeville, PA, at the television this weekend. “GOD DAMMIT! Now you made me spill my fucking Coke! I’m gonna fucking kill you, first the lies and now the goddamn Coke!”

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StudKickass: A Webcomic for the Ages

I am an expert on terrible webcomics.

About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.

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Michael Phelps to return home after Olympics

After breaking world record after world record at the 2008 Olympics, Michael Phelps, swimmer, has declared his intent to return to his birthplace and childhood home, Atlantis.

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