I’m sending you this e-mail because I just bought ebay item number 190353755240 (“FAKE POOP, PARTY FAVORS, FUNNY GAG GIFT FAKE HUMAN POOP”) from you for the Buy it Now price of $4.99 and I just realized that your shipping price is $68 for standard FedEx ground shipping. Now, I’ve done some research and found that for a standard fake turd the largest weight I could find was 0.74 pounds. And in your description it says the turd is about 4″ long so there are no concerns of dimensions that would drive up the shipping costs. This leads me to believe there was a mistake on your part, possibly a typographical error. Please correct this for me so that I can go ahead and let Paypal send you my payment.
I did not have friends growing up. I was too quiet, too reserved, too terrified of being hurt by other people. My parents never beat me, in contrast, the house was overly safe, and I think that’s what the problem was. My mother had constructed a sanctuary for me to keep out the evils of the world, but by the time I would have entered school, it was a psychological prison. Years passed by in solitude as I remained stagnant. Time has no meaning to those who remain unchanged.
Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.
No, I am not reviewing the Playstation RPG that people have been fawning over for years. Instead, I have obtained through my good friend J-tin a copy of the movie that takes place two years after the events in the game. I should preface this saying I knew about as much about Final Fantasy VII going into this as a blind man knows about the difference between red and blue. I’ve heard much about it, but have no real experience playing it. For that matter, the only Final Fantasy games I have played are a FFXII sequel and FFIII for the Nintendo DS. But I decided to see how this movie would hold against the standards of someone not enthralled by FFVII’s mystical aura. And quite frankly, it could have done better.
Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.
Administrator: Meeting has started. Administrator: Grabass_Champion has entered the meeting room. Administrator: Tanzmetall has entered the meeting room. Administrator: FooTay has entered the meeting room. Administrator: Nom de pomme has entered the meeting room. Administrator: Farkle-Farkle has entered the meeting room. Nom de pomme: hey everyone!
With the metal archives currently listing tens of thousands of official metal bands, you would think that all the good names would be taken by now. Not true! Coming up with new band names is easy; just pick a genre and follow the given template:
Death Metal: Random Latin Phrase OR name of a disease. Examples: Eo Ipso, Catalepsy, Myxedema, Semper Instans
Josh “Livestock” Boruff is responsible in large part for my addiction to my (other) favorite comedy website, SomethingAwful. He sidecoaches the Photoshop Phriday feature, which is undoubtedly the great big emerald in the pile of SA’s crown jewels. Months ago he agreed to an interview. Today, I tracked him down and held him at Internet-gunpoint until he answered my questions. The rest, as they say, is history.
The customer enters the store. He pours himself a cup of coffee, tearing open two packs of Sweet ‘n’ Low and dumping them into the cup. He takes a little stirrer and stirs it up, trying to ensure equal distribution of cancer throughout the coffee. He then takes a lid and covers his concoction, grabs a muffin, and approaches the counter.
“Is that all?” The cashier asks.
“Yeah.”
The cashier keys in the coffee and scans the muffin.
The register reads PRICE NOT FOUND.
“Oops… that one’s not scanning.” The cashier says.
“Oh, then it MUST BE FREE!! Heh-heh-heh!” The customer grins.
And that is how a regular old customer becomes a stabbing victim.
Barnes and Noble sends me promotional emails, because they know that a) I buy all kinds of crap online and b) I love books. So when a buy two get one free offer came up, I decided to check out the books included in the offer. Unfortunately, it was mostly a blinding array of “chick lit” books, which, if you are unfamiliar with the genre, are targeted at women and contain no plot, vapid characters, poor writing, and open brand-name advertising for things like Coach bags and Maybelline makeup. They are also visibly recognizable by some consistent patterns.
This is what happens when you buy this shit. This is why we can’t have nice things.
There are more shitty, useless, and expensive products on the Internet than I can read about—let alone review—in a year. This is the tip of an iceberg made of frozen dogshit and the decaying dreams of young children. But don’t worry, I’ve done all the work of finding the iceberg, knocking out your ship’s helmsman, and steering you toward it. When the metal rips and the screams start, remember that there aren’t enough lifeboats and that I’ve probably taken one already. You might want to rush to the railing with a door or something else that floats to escape the doom that awaits you at the end of this overextended metaphor.
Here I rant about why driving around every day can, even without people on their phones trying their best to kill you, be an incredibly frustrating affair.
Why American fighter planes are boring and Europe’s unwavering battle to make theirs likewise. A Lifetime original series.
As you’ll notice, whenever I write about the aesthetics of machines that strikingly contradict my commie-pinko notions on warfare (Namely that it’s stupid and doesn’t solve anything), I very rarely mention vehicles made by the United States in a positive light.
This is no accident. They’re boring as all hell. Barring a few examples I’ll mention in the followup to this article, there is an utter failure of the imagination about them that can never be rectified in my mind’s eye.
