Allergy Cupcakes

Alternative Energies Omitted from the Stimulus Because They Are Disgusting

1. Nose oil derricks

Harvesting nose oil seemed like such a great idea at first. By installing pumps on the faces of unpopular teenagers, we could not only get more energy, but also cure them of acne in the process. Plus, the derricks would make a great conversation piece when on dates, by the gym lockers, and so forth.

This project was abandoned mostly due to lobbying by ACNE Co.’s competitor, ACME. After all, ACME does have a monopoly on stupid bullshit like this.

The ACNE Co. patented nose pump.

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Tanzmetall's Recessipes

In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*

*Taste buds cannot be tightened.

Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.


Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.


1 Oreo crust
2 packs ValuTime® American cheese

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Grabass_Champion's New Vacuum Cleaner

You’re fucked.

Having lived with my girlfriend-at-the-time for two and a half years, I came to take some of her possessions for granted. Then, one inappropriately bright and shining summer day, all of that stuff left my home and traveled to her new one, far away. Most of those possessions I was actually happier without, because most of it was stuff for which I had no use and for which we had no space to actually store. One among those things, though, was sorely missed after it was gone: The vacuum cleaner.

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I should like to call this indignatious repartee to a susceptible level of ordnance and leverage that this illustrious council could pluralize the inhalations heretofore presented thusly.

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