Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.

Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.

Ingredients:

1 Oreo crust
2 packs ValuTime® American cheese

Instructions:

Preheat microwave to 45 seconds. Place ValuTime® cheese in Oreo crust. Insert into microwave and press Start. Cut with pizza cutter and serve lukewarm.

Pre-processed cereal and manufactured bowls are now a luxury few can afford. This recipe sidesteps that nuisance. Plus, no dishes to wash!

Ingredients:

50 stalks of wheat from your neighbor’s vegetable garden
1 gallon ValuTime® 2% Milk, Bovine Growth Hormone Flavor

Insert wheat into milk carton. Shake vigorously. Drink out of container.

Optional: Add in your coffee and toast if you’re so inclined!

You can’t have your cake and eat it too, and likewise, you can’t have BOTH your meat and potatoes. You gotta pick one.

Ingredients:

1 dishrag
1 bottle chloroform
1 clock
1 unsuspecting shepherd
1 Oreo crust

Place chloroform on rag and kidnap shepherd. Slice and/or dice him into bite-sized pieces with steak knives (butter knives will do in a pinch). Stop the clock. Place shepherd’s remains in Oreo crust and microwave on High for 45 seconds.

Planting apple seeds, watering them, fertilizing them, and giving them years to bear fruit is time wasted! Modern Americans deserve gratification NOW.

Ingredients:

500 apple seeds
1 carton ValuTime® partially-iodized salt
3 cups ValuTime® high-lactose corn syrup
2 tablespoons ValuTime® Diet Baking Soda
1 cup toilet water (cheaper than tap)
1 Oreo crust

Mash apple seeds with potato masher. Become frustrated. Pour ingredients into Oreo crust in a haphazard manner. Stare at the disgusting abomination you’ve just created. Pause as the desperation sinks in. Hurl the pie across the room and collapse into defeated heap on the floor. Cry in plain view of your children.

Ingredients:

1 gallon ValuTime® imitation fruit juice
3 servings of Half ‘n’ Half pilfered from local diner
1 bag glass marbles (ice is expensive these days)

Pour marbles into blender. Blend marbles on High for three minutes. Pour in ValuTime® 3% fruit juice and Half ‘n’ Half. Shake until sediment is even throughout. Serve to children.

Not only will this be cheaper, but soon you will have fewer mouths to feed!

Having lived with my girlfriend-at-the-time for two and a half years, I came to take some of her possessions for granted. Then, one inappropriately bright and shining summer day, all of that stuff left my home and traveled to her new one, far away. Most of those possessions I was actually happier without, because most of it was stuff for which I had no use and for which we had no space to actually store. One among those things, though, was sorely missed after it was gone: The vacuum cleaner.

It wasn’t a particularly good vacuum cleaner, no. It barely picked up visible bits of dirt on the floor, cleaning its supposedly-convenient “bagless” dirt canister was an ordeal akin to smoking seven cigars full of allergens at once, it was an ugly shade of purple, and it once killed Clunkline and every other electronic device in my living room because its obscene power consumption tripped a breaker. Despite all this, though, living for months with unswept carpets is pretty damn disgusting.

But that I did, spending months wading through a sea of dust, leftover cat litter, bits of fuzz, fecal matter, rotten fish carcasses, and the occasional drifter, all festering happily, knowing that they could not be picked up by any carpet-cleaning device so long as I lacked one.

This was remedied, however, on my birthday, when I received the most lethal, fearsome, daunting, shit-your-pants-insane doom engine to ever bear the name “Hoover”.

In random response to your query that is joined by me and these fine gentlemen in a reactionary repose of delicious redistributed gregariousness. In this manner we shall excelciate this sack of marble thought to the heavens of our wooden families.

Whereas this penultimate challenge encabulated retroactively in these pants are disgustingly beautified into a cheesy sauce of peppers and onions, I must rhetoricize that the chief majority of our calculateable space had been consumed in a crapstorm of truly epic proportionality.

GO FORTH AND CELEBRATE!