Don’t you hate it when you’re crossing a street–a wide street–and there’s a lot of ped traffic, and halfway across, you recognize somebody going the other way, so you say hi, and they notice you, and start to talk to you, cause they have something they need to say, and this is a problem cause you can’t stop in the middle and you can’t go back because then you’d have to wait for the light to cycle and it’d be rude to the person you’re with and if you do that it’ll ultimately lead to them divorcing you and you’ll die alone and unloved
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With the metal archives currently listing tens of thousands of official metal bands, you would think that all the good names would be taken by now. Not true! Coming up with new band names is easy; just pick a genre and follow the given template: Death Metal: Random Latin Phrase OR name of a disease. Examples: Eo Ipso, Catalepsy, Myxedema, Semper Instans I just got back from seeing Indiana Jones 4. It was pretty good, except for this idiot and his fat wife who sat next to me who kept going back for more pop and popcorn (via where I was sitting) for the whole movie, laughed at the most plebian of jokes, and who would guess the endings to lines, out loud, when it was delayed for dramatic or humorous effect. Since 573 A.D., DragonStuffCo has been the world’s most trusted name in the field of souvenirs and knick-knacks with little dragon logos on them. Dragon-themed coffee mugs, T-shirts, toothbrushes, leather upholstery kits, and various other items have seen brisk, steadily increasing business pretty much from the beginning. Last year, though, DragonStuffCo stock experienced a dramatic plunge in value, due in large part to a massive product recall combined with the threat of a class action lawsuit. Then, just as unexpectedly, the company’s value suddenly skyrocketed. The following internal e-mails provide a valuable insight into the causes behind these events… Josh “Livestock” Boruff is responsible in large part for my addiction to my (other) favorite comedy website, SomethingAwful. He sidecoaches the Photoshop Phriday feature, which is undoubtedly the great big emerald in the pile of SA’s crown jewels. Months ago he agreed to an interview. Today, I tracked him down and held him at Internet-gunpoint until he answered my questions. The rest, as they say, is history. Here, Grabass_Champion puts on his Social Commentary hat, and wishes to address a problem that is one of his paramount complaints about his society, all the while hoping to amuse you while he preaches. It worked for South Park, right? Being preachy but funny? Yeah. We’ll see. This is probably going to be heavy on the preachy part. TL;DR for the whole series: Kids of the generations that will enter the workforce during the next ten years are (in the majority) nihilistic, self-obsessed, pot-addled shits with little desire to understand anything about the world around them. They are this because of the media, and because they’ve been brought up by the people who came out of the cultural revolution of the 1960s.
There are more shitty, useless, and expensive products on the Internet than I can read about—let alone review—in a year. This is the tip of an iceberg made of frozen dogshit and the decaying dreams of young children. But don’t worry, I’ve done all the work of finding the iceberg, knocking out your ship’s helmsman, and steering you toward it. When the metal rips and the screams start, remember that there aren’t enough lifeboats and that I’ve probably taken one already. You might want to rush to the railing with a door or something else that floats to escape the doom that awaits you at the end of this overextended metaphor.
Not our absolute best mockumentary (re: This Is Indian Territory), but apparently my part in it was good enough that some director cast me in a feature film with a bunch of drama majors. …Yeah, I know, right? Content was created by Hilarity Ensues, a production group which Tanzmetall and The Surgeon General, among others, lead. |
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