Clunkline » driving

I Hereby Announce my Candidacy for President of These United States

Tanzmetall — Wed, 19 May 2010 23:57:04 +0000

For too long, we have suffered under various regimes whose priorities are utterly out of touch with the lives of normal Americans. It’s time to change that. Like you, I have a much more down-to-earth, everyman’s attitude when it comes to legislation. Here are the issues that are closest to my heart.

Toilet Law

I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn.

Parking Spaces

Every man has the God-given right to park wherever he damn well pleases. If the stupid fucking cops give him a parking ticket, he should be allowed to burn the courthouse.

That Fucking Bastard Cutting You Off

It seems hardly a day passes where a hardworking American isn’t cut off by a fucking bastard. I will make cutting you off a felony. I will also require all convicted fucking bastards to add their names to a registry and alert their neighbors when they move into a new neighborhood.

Sick Day Expansion

I will bribe every doctor in the country into issuing excuses for any sick day you feel like taking. If you are fired for taking 73 sick days, I will pay a man to pee on your boss.

Fart Reform

I will repeal Smelt It Dealt It, which unfairly punishes honest whistleblowing and leads to fart witchhunts.

Dirty Dishes

It is not the Government’s role to step in and do your dishes. However, it is not your job to wash your dishes either, any more than it is your job to wash homeless people. If the homeless people don’t wash themselves, they suffer the consequences–dishes should be no different. Under my rule of law, all dishes will be required to wash themselves.

Pube Regulation

On the hot-button issue of pubic hairs in shower drains, I take the moderate stance that it should be illegal to possess quantities of pubes greater than 500 grams, except for medical purposes.

If the signs were true…

Grabass_Champion — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:02:28 +0000

Mayor Ravenstahl to tax the Old for Driving Slowly

doctor_subtle — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:31:32 +0000

In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax.

“Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference.

“Yinz can take a hike,” responded a homeless man in attendance, who himself only responds to the name “Light-Up Mike”.

“I’m sick,” he coughed, “of this government picking on specific groups of people, especially the helpless groups!”

“Oh?” said the Mayor. “How do you propose we do it, Light-Up Mike?”

“We steal the money from UPMC. They are less of a group and more of a maintenance organization.”

Just then, a Death Panel burst into the room, their white Judge’s Wigs arrayed atop black SWAT gear, and killed everyone.

“ALL KNEEL IN PRAISE OF UPMC!” the squad shouted.

And so began the Great Pittsburgh Dystopia of 2009.

The End.

Grabass_Champion’s Engrish Adventures – Part 2

Grabass_Champion — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:53:53 +0000

So… I have returned from behind the Great Firewall, a bit shorter and a bit more slanty-eyed, and with the distinct inability to pronounce words like “bus” and “campus” without inserting a mysterious “r” sound after the “u”. In China I learned many things, from how to properly use a car horn while driving (as a signal that there is something within 50 feet of the front of the car), to how to avoid getting hit by a child happily cannoning streams of urine into the street. Two months of endless diarrhea at the hands of Wuhan food, all of which contains loads of chili peppers, coupled with the inevitable circumstance that non-potable tap water would somehow end up in my stomach, have turned my rectum into the strongest muscle in my body, and lost me about 15 pounds. A week in Beijing renewed my appreciation for being able to see more than half a mile in any direction. Two months in Wuhan, where heat indexes routinely cleared 120 degrees Fahrenheit, renewed my appreciation for more temperate climes. Okay, that last bit’s not true at all, Pittsburgh weather is still comparable to diving into an olympic-sized pool full of mayonnaise-filled water balloons. I think the point of all this is, the Chinese are awful at English.

The top of a garbage can in Wuhan. Now you know.

Not Engrish, but a terrible mannequin choice.

Something about this sounds strangely taboo…

I’m not sure why there are vegetables with hats, but there are vegetables with hats.

I wonder what you can buy here……

Yeah. We’re pretty confident you’re coming back.

In the U.S., we call it AIDS. In France, they call it SIDA.

The rest of the body is on break.

On a deck of Kobe Bryant (?!) playing cards.

Vegetarians? We don’t like their kind here.

Creative Scientific Analogies to Explain Phenomena in Laymans Terms

nom de pomme — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:59:48 +0000

- Radiation exposure is like a Mack truck driving through the kindergarten lunch line that is your cell membrane.

- Lightning is like nature’s way of hiring a sniper to take out an individual tree, mountain top, flag pole, or tall person in an open field.

- Elements interact blindly just like a room full of people spinning around wearing suits of different types of velcro which only stick to each other in a highly sophisticated pattern.

- A gas exerts pressure equally on all surfaces of its container, like a hundred people in a sealed room trying to get away from someone who just farted after eating only spicy Indian food for the last eighty hours.

- Blood carries oxygen through your body like a pack of sherpas heaving a 19th century British explorer up a sheer mountainside in a sedan chair.

- Pistons in a gas engine fire off mini explosions thousands of times a minute like a line of Mexican banditos standing shoulder to shoulder from the Atlantic to the Pacific emptying their six shooters all at once.

- In a vacuum, a hammer and a feather would fall at the same rate of acceleration just like two freshman girls at their first frat party after downing twenty shots each.