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For too long, we have suffered under various regimes whose priorities are utterly out of touch with the lives of normal Americans. It’s time to change that. Like you, I have a much more down-to-earth, everyman’s attitude when it comes to legislation. Here are the issues that are closest to my heart. Toilet Law I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn. I play Dungeons and Dragons. There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun. There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age. Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!
Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection. July 19, 2009 Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo! Popular electoral prediction site FiveThirtyEight.com has wasted no time since the end of the 2008 election in issuing predictions for the next several cycles. FiveThirtyEight’s founder, Nate Silver, says that he predicts with 97.2% confidence that, in 2020, Anti-Federalist candidate Bill Warkinson will win every state but Guam and West Dakota.
President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.” The narrow victory of “Yes” on Election Day appears to be due, in part, to interference from Reform Party’s “Maybe”, which received 4% of the popular vote. According to exit polling data, 2/3 of Maybe voters had No as a second choice. Had Maybe not been on the ballot, it is highly probable that No would have won. Point: Man, this election is the BEST thing to happen to our country since FDR. I just can’t believe it! I worked so hard to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I’m so HAPPY that America is finally overcoming prejudice to elect a VISIONARY leader to the White House. I really do think that President Obama will RESURRECT our most important American core values. This is the first step towards a BETTER future. This is totally a sign of A BRIGHT NEW DAY for our country and our world. Thanks to Obama’s victory, now I DON’T have to move to Canada after all. To all of you out there, I say: YES WE CAN. Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday. “We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.” Throughout the history of this country, each state in the union has existed in its own separate space; a space which usually more or less exists all in one piece. That all changed last week, though, when the east coast state of New Jersey was struck by a particularly nasty bit of flatulence and shattered into approximately 8,536 individual chunks (results rounded to the nearest 194). In the past month I have rediscovered the local library, and boy, it has changed. Okay, not really. It still has books, it still has the same computers, the same people… I guess really the only difference is that they’re now in a joint venture with other surrounding libraries making more books available. This required me to get a new library card, as mine was literally over ten years old, but the benefits were worth it. One of the new features is the ability to ‘check-out’ audiobooks online for free. Granted, it isn’t the best selection in the world, but there are quite a few books that I had been meaning to read but hadn’t the time. With audiobooks, I can zone out at work (as usual) and immerse myself in the world literally streaming into my head. The first book I checked out and finished (the I, Robot one had a bad sector that won’t transfer properly, so I’m stuck halfway through) is Eragon. |
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