Toilet Law

I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn.

Parking Spaces

Every man has the God-given right to park wherever he damn well pleases. If the stupid fucking cops give him a parking ticket, he should be allowed to burn the courthouse.

That Fucking Bastard Cutting You Off

It seems hardly a day passes where a hardworking American isn’t cut off by a fucking bastard. I will make cutting you off a felony. I will also require all convicted fucking bastards to add their names to a registry and alert their neighbors when they move into a new neighborhood.

Sick Day Expansion

I will bribe every doctor in the country into issuing excuses for any sick day you feel like taking. If you are fired for taking 73 sick days, I will pay a man to pee on your boss.

Fart Reform

I will repeal Smelt It Dealt It, which unfairly punishes honest whistleblowing and leads to fart witchhunts.

Dirty Dishes

It is not the Government’s role to step in and do your dishes. However, it is not your job to wash your dishes either, any more than it is your job to wash homeless people. If the homeless people don’t wash themselves, they suffer the consequences–dishes should be no different. Under my rule of law, all dishes will be required to wash themselves.

Pube Regulation

On the hot-button issue of pubic hairs in shower drains, I take the moderate stance that it should be illegal to possess quantities of pubes greater than 500 grams, except for medical purposes.

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

Democrat

From the depths of the most gargantuan cities to the houses of the smallest hamlets, there are always individuals who believe that the world can be better, that people can be equal, that the wilderness can be preserved, and that everyone can be as happy and as healthy as everyone else. These men and women are known as Democrats, and they are sworn to bringing about the social change that they deem necessary in the world. A Democrat believes himself to be a great hero, and acts in such a way that others tend to believe it too, no matter what his actions are. As master speakers and manipulators, a Democrat can easily bring others into the fold to campaign for his desired goals.

Adventures: Democrats are drawn to the adventuring life in order to better the world in some way, to help the downtrodden, the poor, the hungry, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. If there is an opportunity to help a group of people achieve freedom or equality in some way, there is likely to be a Democrat around, attempting to help. Very rarely do Democrats take part in military campaigns, as nonviolence is a highly prized characteristic in Democratic circles.

Characteristics: Anyone can be a Democrat. Even those you least expect.

Alignment: Any, though a Democrat will believe that he is Lawful Good, no matter what his actual alignment is. He will justify any action he takes as being for the greater good.

Religion: To be a Democrat, a character must be an atheist. Furthermore, and character with a level in Democrat cannot take a level in Paladin, Cleric, Wizard, Sorcerer, or any other class which deals with the arcane or divine, as Democrats believe only in the power of the proletariat. If a character with levels in a class which uses divine magic takes a level in Democrat, they must exchange all levels in their previous class for levels of Democrat.

Background: Democrats come from any number of backgrounds, from the poorest of the poor who desire to help people who came from similar circumstances, to the richest of the rich who wish to help the less fortunate, to corrupt officials who wish to stay in power through manipulation of the masses. As stated earlier, anyone can be a democrat.

Races: Members of any race can be a democrat, but they are most often humans, as they are one of the youngest and least-experienced races.

Other classes: Democrats despise members of any class which deals with religion, and often believe that magic-users are simply very talented tricksters. They usually get on well with Druids and Rangers, as their affinity for nature gels well with the Democrat’s desire to preserve it. In general, the less violent a class’s role is, the better they will get along with the Democrat, especially at higher levels.

Role: From a player character’s point of view, a Democrat doesn’t really have a useful role to perform in a party setting. The Democrat specializes in charisma-based abilities, but no more so than a Bard or Sorcerer. From the Dungeon Master’s perspective, though, the presence of a Democrat can make a storyline much more interesting! Democrats can cause trouble for companions and enemies alike, and can solve problems in an incredibly original fashion…or create them!

Game Rule Information Democrats have the following game statistics. Abilities: Charisma is the most important statistic for a Democrat, as they gain power by convincing others to follow them and do their bidding. All others are secondary. Hit die: d6 Class Skills: The Democrat’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appraise (Int), Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Decipher Script (Int), Diplomacy (Cha), Disguise (Cha), Gather Information (Cha), Hide (Dex), Knowledge (all skills, taken individually) (Int), Listen (Wis), Perform (Cha), Profession (Barrister) (Wis), Sense Motive (Wis), Speak Language (Rhetoric) (n/a), See Chapter 4: Skills in the D&D Player’s Handbook for skill descriptions. Skill Points at First Level: (6+Cha modifier)x4 Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 6+Cha modifier

Class Features All of the following are class features of the Democrat. Weapon and Armor Proficiency: A Democrat is proficient with all simple weapons and light armor that are completely biodegradable, as he does not wish to harm the environment. Any weapon or armor made of organic material (a club or studded leather, for example) must have been crafted from an already dead organism. If the Democrat is not completely sure that his gear falls into this category, he is required to roll 1d20 at the beginning of combat. If the roll is less than 11, he may not participate in combat while wielding the questionable gear. Class abilities:

Culturally Sensitive The Democrat is constantly walking on eggshells to avoid insulting beings of other races. The Democrat adds a number equal to half their level, rounded up, to all charisma-based checks with beings of other races which have an alignment identical to the Democrat. If the being in question has an alignment that does not match the Democrat, the being will become annoyed by the Democrat’s pandering, and the bonus becomes negative.

Yes We Can! Starting at level 3, the Democrat sees the light of hope and change. Deep down in the soul that he does not believe exists, the Democrat believes that he can accomplish anything, no matter what the obstacles are. The Democrat becomes constantly under the effects of Inspire Courage, as per the Bard ability.

Unionize! Starting at level 5, the Democrat feels an urge to ensure that all members of [...]]]> I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.

There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!

Democrat

From the depths of the most gargantuan cities to the houses of the smallest hamlets, there are always individuals who believe that the world can be better, that people can be equal, that the wilderness can be preserved, and that everyone can be as happy and as healthy as everyone else. These men and women are known as Democrats, and they are sworn to bringing about the social change that they deem necessary in the world. A Democrat believes himself to be a great hero, and acts in such a way that others tend to believe it too, no matter what his actions are. As master speakers and manipulators, a Democrat can easily bring others into the fold to campaign for his desired goals.

Adventures: Democrats are drawn to the adventuring life in order to better the world in some way, to help the downtrodden, the poor, the hungry, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. If there is an opportunity to help a group of people achieve freedom or equality in some way, there is likely to be a Democrat around, attempting to help. Very rarely do Democrats take part in military campaigns, as nonviolence is a highly prized characteristic in Democratic circles.

Characteristics: Anyone can be a Democrat. Even those you least expect.

Alignment: Any, though a Democrat will believe that he is Lawful Good, no matter what his actual alignment is. He will justify any action he takes as being for the greater good.

Religion: To be a Democrat, a character must be an atheist. Furthermore, and character with a level in Democrat cannot take a level in Paladin, Cleric, Wizard, Sorcerer, or any other class which deals with the arcane or divine, as Democrats believe only in the power of the proletariat. If a character with levels in a class which uses divine magic takes a level in Democrat, they must exchange all levels in their previous class for levels of Democrat.

Background: Democrats come from any number of backgrounds, from the poorest of the poor who desire to help people who came from similar circumstances, to the richest of the rich who wish to help the less fortunate, to corrupt officials who wish to stay in power through manipulation of the masses. As stated earlier, anyone can be a democrat.

Races: Members of any race can be a democrat, but they are most often humans, as they are one of the youngest and least-experienced races.

Other classes: Democrats despise members of any class which deals with religion, and often believe that magic-users are simply very talented tricksters. They usually get on well with Druids and Rangers, as their affinity for nature gels well with the Democrat’s desire to preserve it. In general, the less violent a class’s role is, the better they will get along with the Democrat, especially at higher levels.

Role: From a player character’s point of view, a Democrat doesn’t really have a useful role to perform in a party setting. The Democrat specializes in charisma-based abilities, but no more so than a Bard or Sorcerer. From the Dungeon Master’s perspective, though, the presence of a Democrat can make a storyline much more interesting! Democrats can cause trouble for companions and enemies alike, and can solve problems in an incredibly original fashion…or create them!

Game Rule Information
Democrats have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Charisma is the most important statistic for a Democrat, as they gain power by convincing others to follow them and do their bidding. All others are secondary.
Hit die: d6
Class Skills: The Democrat’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appraise (Int), Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Decipher Script (Int), Diplomacy (Cha), Disguise (Cha), Gather Information (Cha), Hide (Dex), Knowledge (all skills, taken individually) (Int), Listen (Wis), Perform (Cha), Profession (Barrister) (Wis), Sense Motive (Wis), Speak Language (Rhetoric) (n/a), See Chapter 4: Skills in the D&D Player’s Handbook for skill descriptions.
Skill Points at First Level: (6+Cha modifier)x4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 6+Cha modifier

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Democrat.
Weapon and Armor Proficiency: A Democrat is proficient with all simple weapons and light armor that are completely biodegradable, as he does not wish to harm the environment. Any weapon or armor made of organic material (a club or studded leather, for example) must have been crafted from an already dead organism. If the Democrat is not completely sure that his gear falls into this category, he is required to roll 1d20 at the beginning of combat. If the roll is less than 11, he may not participate in combat while wielding the questionable gear.

Class abilities:

Culturally Sensitive
The Democrat is constantly walking on eggshells to avoid insulting beings of other races. The Democrat adds a number equal to half their level, rounded up, to all charisma-based checks with beings of other races which have an alignment identical to the Democrat. If the being in question has an alignment that does not match the Democrat, the being will become annoyed by the Democrat’s pandering, and the bonus becomes negative.

Yes We Can!
Starting at level 3, the Democrat sees the light of hope and change. Deep down in the soul that he does not believe exists, the Democrat believes that he can accomplish anything, no matter what the obstacles are. The Democrat becomes constantly under the effects of Inspire Courage, as per the Bard ability.

Unionize!
Starting at level 5, the Democrat feels an urge to ensure that all members of his party receive equal shares of the loot and treasure that they procure, regardless of amount of work done. Until everyone in the party agrees to such an arrangement, the Democrat will forego all non-essential actions, constantly preaching and expounding the virtues of “unionizing the party”.

Spread the Wealth Around
Starting at level 7, the Democrat becomes angry at the fact that despite his best efforts, some people are better off than others. He will become angry at anyone who is wealthier than he is, and feels compelled to redistribute their wealth in any way he can, be it robbery, trickery, blackmail, or anything else he can think of. The Democrat will justify this action as being good, no matter what action he takes. The Democrat will take a -2 penalty to all saving throws as long as he is aware of a target wealthy individual.

Self-Loathing
Starting at level 9, the Democrat becomes aware how much better off he is than some people in the world, and begins to hate himself for being alive, healthy, and having luxuries, when there are so many others in the world who are starving and slaving under tyrants. When the Democrat finds any sort of treasure or loot, he has a very slight compulsion to use it to better the life of some unfortunate being. The Democrat must make a will save of 1, or donate his share of the loot and treasure to a being or group of beings that he deems underprivileged. If the Democrat makes the will save, he will keep all of his share of the loot, and insist that he will use it for noble purposes, even though he probably has no intention of doing so.

Bleeding Heart
At 11th level, the Democrat becomes painfully aware of the intense and constant suffering that everyone else in the world feels, and is overwhelmed with guilt. Up to 3 times each day at the Dungeon Master’s command, the Democrat must make a will save to engage in action that could cause any sort of unhappiness or discomfort for anyone else, even in situations where inaction will have terrible consequences for the Democrat and his/her party of adventurers.

An Inconvenient Truth
Starting at level 13, the Democrat realizes that the ends justify the means (as far as his goals and actions are concerned) and will lie to anyone about anything as long as it advances their personal goals. If telling the truth would negatively impact the Democrat’s plans, he must lie. If the Democrat wishes to tell the truth in such a situation (who knows why), he must make a will save of 20 to do so.

Hell No, We Won’t Go!
Starting at 15^th level, the Democrat discovers that violence is not only not always the answer, but never the answer. When faced with a combat situation, the Democrat must make a will save of 20 or be unable to take any combative action for the duration of the battle, and instead spends the entire fight lecturing all involved about the evils of fisticuffs. If he is somehow forced into combat, the Democrat takes a -10 to all his base attack bonuses.

Health Care Reform
At 17^th level, the Democrat feels the urge to provide healing to all beings in the world, regardless of race, creed, nationality, or otherwise. When faced with an injured being or group of beings (such as a party or town) outside of combat, the Democrat must roll 1d6 on the following table:

A Legend in his Own Mind
At 20^th level, the Democrat becomes aware that he is the greatest being that has ever existed in the entirety of the universe. If his base Charisma score is below an 18, it is raised to that number. The Democrat may attempt to recruit people to his cause. Any NPC with an intelligence of 8 or below is automatically convinced to change their way of life and goals to that of the Democrat, while NPC’s with an intelligence of 10 or higher must be convinced by a charisma-based check. The Democrat may convince mass numbers of people to join him at once, and anyone who can clearly hear him speak or who reads his written call to action may be instantly convinced to join him. They will be oblivious to any actions he takes which are in opposition to his public goals, and will go out of their way to justify anything he does, no matter how heinous. The Democrat may command his legions to do anything he wishes, and they will comply without question. Player characters must make a will save of 30 to avoid being recruited to the Democrat’s cause, though PCs that have traveled with the Democrat since level 1 (or, if the game starts with PCs at a higher level, since early in the adventure, at the DM’s discretion) are immune, as they can see right through his bullshit.

Ex-Democrats
A Democrat who renounces the beliefs and practices of his class cannot progress in levels as a Democrat, and loses all Democrat abilities except Yes We Can!

Human Democrat Starting Package
Armor:  None (speed 30 ft.)
Weapons:  Quarterstaff (naturally harvested) (1d6/1d6, crit x2, 4 lb., two-handed, bludgeoning)
Skill Selection: Pick a number of skills equal to 6+Cha modifier, 4 ranks in each, from the list of class skills under the Game Rule Information subsection.
Feat: Deceitful
Gear: None. The Democrat believes that the wealthy should provide for him.
Gold: None. See above.

Date: 2008-07-02, 6:29PM CDT

Remember me? You were working at the Quizno’s down on Elm Street, and I was the guy right outside the door asking people for change so I could buy more cheap hooch. I’m not actually homeless, I just needed a new source of booze money after my parents canceled my credit card. Anyway, I feel like there was really something special between us when you came outside and yelled at me to go away. I think your name was “Kathy,” or maybe “Kristen,” but I’m not sure. I don’t really remember much of what happened after you hit me with the shovel. Call me?

PostingID: 381654729

***

Test Subject Needed For Time Machine Prototype

Date: 2008-12-02, 9:31AM EDT

Like the title says, I just finished building my first time machine, but I’m not sure if it’ll work yet. I’d test it out myself but I’m afraid of getting all mutilated like in that one movie where something like that happened. Or maybe it was a drug-induced hallucination and not a movie. Either way, I want someone else to try it out first to see if it’s safe. Or if you don’t want to drive all the way out here, I could just tell you how I made mine (it basically involves writing “Time Machine” on the side of an old refrigerator box, but to be safe you should use the exact same kind of box as I did), then you could build a copy and test on that. I don’t care about making money off this thing so I don’t mind people copying my design or anything, I just need to take a trip back to last month so I can pay my electric bill so I won’t have to go to the library to use the internet anymore. Porn isn’t as fun when there’s old people yelling at you all the time.

PostingID: 410498462

***

Would The Person I’m Stalking Please Be More Interesting

Date: 2009-04-15, 3:18AM EST

Hi. I don’t actually know your name, but you live in apartment 15 on 441 Third Avenue. I’ve been spying on you from across the street through my binoculars for a while, and I gotta be honest, it’s getting a little boring. I’m getting kinda tired of watching you check your e-mail or flip through the channels, and it’s especially disappointing after I spend all day waiting for you to come home from work. I’m not saying you have to start riding a unicycle around or anything like that, but would you mind mixing it up a little once in a while? It would really be great for me to start seeing some variety, especially since I don’t have any other hobbies– or anything else going on in my life, for that matter– besides this.

PostingID: 683515870

***

Date: 2009-08-03, 12:08PM CDT

Anybody wanna buy a broken car?

I’m trying to sell my old 1987 Dodge Shadow ’cause it doesn’t work anymore, and I still don’t have a job so I need the cash. So if anyone wants to give me a few grand they can have it. I think it still has most of the parts except the floor, and also one of the wheels has a boot on it. I tried to remove the boot using a large hammer (for the record, that doesn’t work), so the area around the back left wheel is pretty busted up now. Anyways, I tried doing that “cash for clunkers” thing that’ll buy your crappy old cars, but they wouldn’t take it ’cause the back seat is covered in puke, so I figured I’d try to get rid of it here. Anyone interested?

PostingID: 748031704

July 19, 2009

Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo!

July 20, 2009

So I got to Capitol Hill and the first guy I met is Al Franken, who I know is another funnyman. Immediately I run my flagship joke past him: “Capitol Hill? More like Crapitol Hill!” He thought it was hilarious, and I overheard him telling it to Patrick Leahy (D-VT) later that same day. Before I got here, he was taking everything so seriously, but now he’s back to his old, funny self. I tell ya, I bring out the best in this guy.

July 21, 2009

Al and I really enjoyed our time together on the Judiciary Committee. I’m so glad to have some committee assignments with my friends. The Aging committee really sucks, because then I have to talk to freakin’ Bob Casey (D-PA) who’s about as funny as a boulder. Although, the irony of a bunch of old guys grumbling about aging is not lost on me and my keen wit. But I digress.

In Judiciary (the FUN committee), I don’t remember what was on the agenda for today, but Al and I spent the whole time smacking our hands on the table and hollering “POOP! POOOOOP!” back and forth. Everyone else just stared at us because they’re a bunch of tightasses. They really need to loosen up and enjoy a good poop joke.

July 22, 2009

A breakthrough!

We just discovered that we can actually introduce laws! For some reason, we weren’t told about this when we were sworn in. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to hide this from us. But I looked it up on Wikipedia, and sure enough, it’s totally legal! So we drafted the Poop Is Funny Resolution of 2009 and introduced it on the floor. Al went the extra mile by taking a dump on his copy during debate. I laughed for, like, an hour.

July 23, 2009

Al and I spent all of today grilling Sonia Sotomayor on her opinions… on the case of “Hugh Jass v. Poopenstein”! HA HA HA! Al did this brilliant thing where he made up the whole court case on the spot, and Sonia totally fell for it, believed it was real, and gave her opinion on the case! I don’t remember all the details, but it was something about a guy who shat down infant’s mouths… it’s all on C-SPAN.

I asked her if a concealed weapons permit should allow you to carry a gun IN YOUR BUTT, but she pretended not to hear.

July 24, 2009

Well, that was fast! Apparently the Senate doesn’t have to have exactly 100 members. Al and I just found that out because we got “censured” or something, which means we aren’t allowed to introduce laws or sit on committee and aren’t invited to any of the hoppin’ Senate parties anymore. But we’ve still got the keys to the building, and we’re planning a big prank… shhh, don’t tell anyone, diary!

All I’ll tell you in advance, is… it’s going to be big, it’s going to be clever, it’ll change the nation, and it’s not going to be what you expect.

July 25, 2009

Prank Day is a success!

We broke into Harry Reid’s (D-NV) office and took dumps in his desk drawers. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Warkinson, who is currently the Sanitation Commissioner of Duluth, MN, said he was stunned by the projection. “I had never really considered national politics,” he said, musing over his options. “But if it’s gonna happen whether I want it to or not, well hell, next cycle might be the time to run for the House after all. I’ve started thinking about campaign slogans. ‘Nobody cleans up a shitty mess better than Bill Warkinson!’ … It’s a work in progress.”

Also posted were projections as far down the line as 2064. Although projected winner Pablo Jarvis has not yet been born, his victory seems certain, says Silver in his analysis of the data. “His parents have not yet met,” Silver writes, “and yet their marriage is as clearly a part of their destiny as their inevitable divorce. When he is five, his parents will buy him a puppy which he will name Sparky, and after the divorce, his father will get dog visitation rights. At age 8, Jarvis will stop publicly eating his boogers, though he will always continue to do so in private.”

Silver’s predictions have become so accurate that some voting precincts now accept his estimates as the official total. “If he’s just going to be so damn accurate, why would we waste our time counting ballots when we could be at home constantly refreshing FiveThirtyEight?” asked Bucks County, PA Election Commissioner Rory Walsh.

“I don’t plan on voting ever again,” said former voter Janine Murphy, of Reno, NV. “What’s the point? History is already written, and it’s pointless to try and stop it. It’s all a part of Silver’s—ah, I mean, God’s—plan.”

We asked Silver if he was concerned about the paradoxical dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies, but he could not hear us over the buzzing hum of his time machine’s flux capacitor.