Million-Person Rally Expected in Chicago

A victory rally of unprecedented size is planned for Chicago on the night of the 4th. Lake County, Indiana is bracing its fortifications in the event that Obama loses, and the crowd turns into an army.

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Election Day

A compiled list of various write-in candidates from the 2006 CMU student senate elections. It amuses me, who knows, maybe you’ll come away feeling good about the world too.


Student Body President:
BERTOLT BRECHT 1 0.08%
NO MORE EMO BANDS AT CARNIVAL 1 0.08%

Student Body VP of finance:
EMPEROR OF CMU STUDENT BODY 1 0.10%
BOTH CANDIDATES WRITE LIKE HIGH SCHOOLERS 1 0.10%
OPTIMUS PRINE 1 0.10%

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Life Resembles Art, Again

Turns out that, two months after I wrote of Jack Kevorkian making a foray into politics, what did Jack Kevorkian do but make a foray into politics.

Can’t believe I didn’t notice this until now.

New National Poll: Hunter 52, Dodd 43

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA)

With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.

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Massive Voter Fraud Very Plausibly Threatens Democracy

Early voting in Nevada has already seen the influence of terrifying Democratic para-electoral groups like Acorn. The shady organization registered dozens of fake voters under the names of Disney characters, in a well-orchestrated plan to execute voter fraud. Unfortunately, says Nevada Board of Elections official Jason Horowitz, many of them have already slipped through the cracks.

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Corruption: the noble Alaskan tradition

Yesterday, Ted Stevens was found guilty of seven felony charges. Which means he can still run for the Senate–even though he can’t vote for himself.

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The Ballad of Anus McKringle

Ha ha, that title tricked you into reading something boring.

In the interests of full disclosure: this article is not about Anus McKringle, so you can stop now if you don’t care about politics.

You know the feeling you get while watching Lord of the Rings… In the middle of the trilogy, you don’t expect it to ever really end. On an intellectual level, you know it will, and you may have even seen it before or have read the books and know how it does, but it goes on for so long, and it drags you down into such a feeling of futility and hopelessness, that you never really believe it will? It just feels like Frodo will always be walking towards Mordor.

Likewise, to me, it feels like Bush will always be a lame duck, and Obama will asymptotically approach the presidency, but never actually attain it.

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I Don’t Give a Shit about Joe the Plumber

And I sure as hell don’t care what he thinks about anything.

Second Black President Endorses First

On Sunday, Colin Powell, fated to be the second black President, endorsed Barack Obama, ensuring he will become the first. “McCain has been kind of a dick lately,” said Powell in his announcement. “If he didn’t pal around with Steve Schmidt, we’d be having a different conversation today. I was kind of hoping to be the first myself, but… but Sarah Palin? Really?”

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BREAKING: BUSH STILL PRESIDENT, APPARENTLY

WASHINGTON

The nation was shocked today to find George W. Bush of Texas is still the chief executive of the United States.

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Debate and Switch

Pool reporters were stunned Thursday when Mitt Romney greeted them on the campaign plane with his trademark grin—instead of Sarah Palin, whom the reporters were fairly sure had been the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. Romney, attempting a Bluff check, smiled away most doubts that he had always been McCain’s VP.

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[Script/Director Proposal]: <i>Troopergate</i>

The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot.


Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

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Obama Ad Blasts McCain for Palling Around with the Viet Cong

A new Obama campaign ad opens with footage of the Vietnam War. The narrator intones, “Many people opposed America’s activities in Vietnam, but few hated freedom so much that they were willing to betray their country.”

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Election Results in Virginia to be Determined by Basketball Game

In an FEC-sanctioned contest, Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sarah Palin (R-AK) will square off in a one-on-one basketball match to determine the winner of this tossup state. The measure is already being praised as “more fair than the Electoral College” by commentators hoping it is a standard soon to be used nationwide.

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Molest Small Children for Change?

Recently, Barack Obama sent me this email.



Hello. I’m Jon Carson, the National Field Director for the Obama campaign, and I have a special request for you.

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