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You probably want this update only as much as I wanted this spam. But I thought this first piece explained a lot. To: farkle-farkle’s_email@noneofyourbusiness.com Okay, so here’s a thought: There is no past nor is there a future. The entire universe exists only for a single instant and our perceptions of a past merely result from the configuration of the current world. Think about it, the only proof of the existence of the past is the configuration of current items such as the email your girlfriend sent to break up with you, the note on the roses you sent her, or the text of the subsequent restraining order. Aside from the deep and crippling emotional pain you live with knowing you will never find love again, all “proof” of the relationship consists of items in the present, items which can be duplicated without having had that “actual” past just as one could doctor your face onto her prom date’s picture and plaster it to the ceiling of your room.
Roger Roger was probably the most unfortunate of targets of Ronnie’s e-mails. Her e-mails to Roger were the most frequent and the least comprehensible, and they all addressed practical matters, so he had to actually translate them from “idiot” to English and then act on them. Combine this with the fact that Roger has less tolerance for stupidity than most in our company, and you got a very bad work relationship.
Just now I was checking my email and listening to my iPod on shuffle, when a song I had not heard in several years came up: “The Village of Dwarves” by Italian metal band Rhapsody of Fire. A nostalgic smile spread over my face as the band’s lyrics about, well, a village of dwarves enfolded me with their mighty power, and I was reminded once again that Rhapsody is far and away the nerdiest band to ever walk the Earth. The inclusion of “Through the Fire and Flames” by Dragonforce on Guitar Hero 3 was the first exposure many Americans had to European power metal. I remember watching friends laughing at that song’s silly lyrics about the “flames of death’s eternal reign” and “fighting hard, fighting on for the steel, through the wastelands evermore.” Well, Rhapsody manages to be orders of magnitude lamer than that. The key is that Rhapsody’s albums all tell a continuing narrative called the “Emerald Sword Saga,” the most laughably, idiotically juvenile fantasy saga ever told. From: ROSA Winston hey^) how are you?) do you have a girlfriend?)… i have not boyfriend(( I very want to meet real men…which will know woman’s need …like in a cinema … you know))))lets chat!) i am pretty girl)) I have a lot of time for meetings and if you have any ideas how to spend it with me… just email me back at [e-mail] and i will reply back with some nice ;) photos with me …and maybe, you will want to write me again)))
Recently, Barack Obama sent me this email.
On my visit to the Obama Oakland office today, I thought of several things which, taken together, would surely cripple McCain’s operations once and for all. -Late in the day, go into his campaign offices, pretend to volunteer, writing fake names on things. This is just a pretense to get inside. Then, when nobody is paying attention, turn their thermostat all the way up and leave. Do this late enough in the day that nobody will notice. On top of making the office unlivable for a few hours the next day, you’ll drive up his utility bills. Yay! -Get a McCain sticker on your car. Put it next to a Confederate Flag sticker. Cut people off on the highway and throw beer cans at pedestrians.
Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.
I am an expert on terrible webcomics. About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies. 102-year-old Dorothy Painter of Duluth, Minnesota has inexplicably learned to perform basic internet tasks. She is the first centenarian and likely the only person above age 70 to have done so and lived. According to her grandson, Andrew Painter, 38, also of Duluth, Dorothy has “sort of figured [email] out.” He admits he still has to help her find the “L” key every few minutes but other than that she is almost self-sufficient. Today, Sandy was told to remind me to “never forget”. Hello, Nervestaple! I added this to the calendar: #1 Thu, 9/11 Nevar forget Organization, ahoy, Sandy Happy patriotism day. |
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