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The following spam messages were all copied directly from my inbox at EA (where I’m currently working). They are presented here unaltered and unedited, except for a few instances in which potentially dangerous urls have been removed, and a few other instances in which I have inserted my own comments in brackets and italics [like this]: From: Claude Caddle from: admin@redpornotube.com Dear AzureChameleon212: First I would like to thank you for all of the time and effort you spend patronizing our website and free service, redpornotube.com. Like many of our users, you give back to this community driven website by uploading your own pornographic content, in addition to downloading the content of others. I would like to note here, however, just for the record, that this trade of data is not very much like the analogy you used in your previous email to us – online videos are in no way like “the cum-stained porno mags of your father’s closet, pages stuck together like thighs.” Indeed I would posit that they are more like the slutty girl at your local highschool – passed around like some form of social currency.
Dear Gina, Josh “Livestock” Boruff is responsible in large part for my addiction to my (other) favorite comedy website, SomethingAwful. He sidecoaches the Photoshop Phriday feature, which is undoubtedly the great big emerald in the pile of SA’s crown jewels. Months ago he agreed to an interview. Today, I tracked him down and held him at Internet-gunpoint until he answered my questions. The rest, as they say, is history.
The Pumps The pumps had a habit of leaking, and to this day refuse to print “reseats”. However, with Ronnie’s narrative voice, these problems seemed just a little more surreal. Pump’s #1 #2 #7 and #8
Maintenance It wasn’t really Ronnie’s fault, at least not at first, that our store happened to be full of highly dysfunctional equipment. I’m pretty sure that there was never, and will never be, a time when nothing important was broken. Most of the time it just sat, but every once in a while Ronnie would try to do something about it. Here follow some of her e-mails regarding maintenance.
So… I guess this was probably inevitable. Though I have plenty of material, like Hillary Clinton and the gas tax holiday, I must continue to push my gimmick of The Ronnicles despite any claims that it might be worn out. So, I’ve posted this in .doc format before. So, you’ve already read it. Or have you? Making you download and open something might have stopped it from happening at all, so unavoidably I present to you Analyzing the Ronnicles as a multi-part series in nice, comfy browser-friendly HTML. Internet petitions never accomplish anything useful. I’ve never once heard of a politician giving in to pressure mounted online or of change happening based on “internet signatures” which are no more than unverified email addresses. I’ve never even heard of anybody looking at such a thing if they were not signing it. I had kind of a bad day for fucking things up. I ate a third of someone else’s bag of popcorn because I thought it was public. I ended a party by comparing the party to a prematurely-born baby that never made it off life support. My comment about how my comment had “finally pulled the plug” did not help.
Barnes and Noble sends me promotional emails, because they know that a) I buy all kinds of crap online and b) I love books. So when a buy two get one free offer came up, I decided to check out the books included in the offer. Unfortunately, it was mostly a blinding array of “chick lit” books, which, if you are unfamiliar with the genre, are targeted at women and contain no plot, vapid characters, poor writing, and open brand-name advertising for things like Coach bags and Maybelline makeup. They are also visibly recognizable by some consistent patterns. This was first posted as an April Fool’s prank by Grabass_Champion as the author “Ronnie”. i got A Approved by admin’s to Post Here Clunk Line you Cant’ stop it Now i Am A Good Righter Ever one Loves my E Mali’s You Said it you’re self Tazmania on Foram that Ever One Likes the email’s. I have a Idea why not Make me a Admin I can Adminstiart very Good well be Cause I was Maniger of A Store in Horrason City You should Make Me ad min. thank -You This was originally posted by Grabass_Champion as an April Fool’s prank under the name “Ronnie”. The idea was that somehow Ronnie had got a writer’s account and started to write for CL. so you all Liked my email’s So Much that So Much that i had a question ? so i asked the question ? so i asked if tazmental and crabass-champean Could Make me a Writer for clunk line. so They made me a Writer for clunk line. now i am A Writer for clunk Line. I got fired at the Store so I am termalanted and I Need a New Job so I Am working for Clunk Line i Manage all the Comenent’s and secretion from our Clamant tell. so Thank -you for Reading my email’s i Worked very Hard on them there not Easy to right i Was righting one Once and I missed spelled “capancheeno”" so I Looked at the manchine and wrote it Down so I could Spell it Right “Cappuccino” so i Made Sure the spelling’s were Right just to make Read easier and safe eye’s strane on You’re eye’s right Speling’s. ok Mabey I Will Right more Later but im Glad you En here joyed my Email’s.!!! Clunkline asserts copyright on all material not tagged as Gathered Content. Gathered Content is subject to whatever copyrights its original venue assigned to it, and links to each of these venues have been provided in good faith. No ad revenue is generated from the portion of an article page that displays Gathered Content. Gathered Content is posted on the website to consolidate the comedic endeavors of the contributors so that their various projects may build off of each other, not to generate additional funding. Due to Clunkline’s copyright, contributors who want to remove content from Clunkline must not do so without prior discussion with the Editor. The author of a respective piece also shares copyright on all non-Gathered Clunkline material. The creator reserves the right to, independently of Clunkline, republish or disseminate in any way, for profit or not, the material they post to Clunkline. Clunkline prefers that this is done with a notice of some kind that it appeared on Clunkline, but this is not necessary. Where authorship is shared, ownership in this regard goes to the authors credited within the article, to be negotiated between them as they see fit. If there is a piece that is improperly tagged or not tagged as Gathered Content, email clunkline@gmail.com and we’ll promptly fix it. If there is a piece so tagged that does not appropriately credit the initial venue, again, contact us and we’ll fix it in good faith. Original Clunkline material is otherwise protected from allegations of copyright infringement by virtue of being parodic. Again, if there is any question about the nature of any material on the site, please contact clunkline@gmail.com before taking other action–I’m sure we’ll be able to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Rationale I want Clunkline to be a writer’s haven, where people post whatever the fuck. And they can then republish it, whatever, I don’t care; they shouldn’t fear posting it because they plan to take it elsewhere. I also wanted there to be a nice way to repost stuff (Gathered Content) we’ve created for other venues with lenient existing copyrights (all of which are researched before posting). We offer a link, a qualifying statement, a special tag, preserved credit rolls, a lack of ad revenue, and free publicity. Since I also protect writers with ad hoc anonymity (as far as their writing will allow), and it’s hard for an anonymous person to defend a copyright and remain anonymous, Clunkline also asserts copyright, but the author still reserves those important rights. Tl;dr The stuff not tagged as Gathered, we own, and it’s protected. The stuff that’s not, we’re just publicizing and won’t profit by. Email me cause I’m lonely, kthxbai. –Tanzmetall
There are more shitty, useless, and expensive products on the Internet than I can read about—let alone review—in a year. This is the tip of an iceberg made of frozen dogshit and the decaying dreams of young children. But don’t worry, I’ve done all the work of finding the iceberg, knocking out your ship’s helmsman, and steering you toward it. When the metal rips and the screams start, remember that there aren’t enough lifeboats and that I’ve probably taken one already. You might want to rush to the railing with a door or something else that floats to escape the doom that awaits you at the end of this overextended metaphor. |
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