Harvesting nose oil seemed like such a great idea at first. By installing pumps on the faces of unpopular teenagers, we could not only get more energy, but also cure them of acne in the process. Plus, the derricks would make a great conversation piece when on dates, by the gym lockers, and so forth.
This project was abandoned mostly due to lobbying by ACNE Co.’s competitor, ACME. After all, ACME does have a monopoly on stupid bullshit like this.
Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.
The fabled woods of Nor are usually filled with the chirping of birds this time of year. Yet in the clearing near the Tree of Infinite Truths, no creature dare stir. Sitting upon the roots of the aged elm sits the Tree Guardian, a powerful dimension traveler, the wrinkles of his years resembling the sacred bark he rests his back against. Nature itself respects the elder’s meditation.
In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*
*Taste buds cannot be tightened.
Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.
Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.
No, I am not reviewing the Playstation RPG that people have been fawning over for years. Instead, I have obtained through my good friend J-tin a copy of the movie that takes place two years after the events in the game. I should preface this saying I knew about as much about Final Fantasy VII going into this as a blind man knows about the difference between red and blue. I’ve heard much about it, but have no real experience playing it. For that matter, the only Final Fantasy games I have played are a FFXII sequel and FFIII for the Nintendo DS. But I decided to see how this movie would hold against the standards of someone not enthralled by FFVII’s mystical aura. And quite frankly, it could have done better.
Perhaps it’s the generally unfriendly climate in Pittsburgh, or maybe the price of energy is to blame, or it could be that the unfettered access to information that we enjoy in the modern age has dampened people’s willingness to go and see something when they can just read about it online. Whatever the cause may be, the fact remains: neither the massive extra-terrestrial spacecraft that crash landed in the center of Pittsburgh last Thursday, nor the strange humanoid beings who inexplicably emerged from the wreckage unharmed, have managed to bring in the flocks of tourists that the city was expecting.
We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring.
A celebratory Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), flanked by lobbyists from the environmental movement, announced that Congress had just approved three new flaws of Nuclear Power, continuing her brave crusade to keep the totally dangerous and obviously bad energy source away from America.
So I’ve spent my summer working as a temp at a company that manufactures safety equipment for other companies around the world. My department specializes in hard hats, and I’m to pack them. For eight hours a day. Monday through Friday. Yeah, it’s that awesome.
Needless to say, there’s not a lot of thought necessary to stick a suspension in a hat, put both into a bag, and then to place the whole thing in a box. To stave off boredom, I have my music, which helps, but is not always sufficient. So my thoughts continue to wander around, searching for something, anything, to keep me from taking my utility knife and seeing what can be done with these pesky wrists.
I enlisted for the action of a deep space exploration mission. I never expected that a deep space exploration mission would need latrine duty. I certainly never expected to be personally responsible for cleaning it. Maybe someday, with a bit of luck, I can become Sanitation Officer, promoted through my own merits. That is my true dream. Not cleaning up shit, but telling others to do it for me.
One thing’s for sure, in the meantime, this trip isn’t about to get more interesting, and my job couldn’t possibly get more difficult. Certainly it will not do so even if we pick up aliens whose specialty is pooping everywhere.
In recent weeks the Clunkline archeology department–which is often referred to by the code name “FooTay’s Parents”–unearthed a never-before-discovered series of documents, some of which date to well over five years ago. This is an important find for the Clunkline team, as it allows FooTay to simply post some of the old writings from his teenage years rather than having to come up with any new ideas.
The following is believed to have been written sometime around the year 2001, which would coincide with three important historical events: the release of Creed’s album “Human Clay,” which contained the single “Higher,” the brief upsurge in Weird Al’s popularity due to the release of “Running With Scissors,” and FooTay’s new found discovery of the powers of caffeine in the morning:
“Wired” (a parody of Creed’s “Higher”)
written by FooTay at age 15
It has come to my attention that my esteemed rival, DNC Spokesman Benjamin F. Hallett, has described Barack Obama’s energy plan as “clairvoyant”, given that he outlined it in October 2007, long before gas hit $4.50 a gallon.
Well, if Hallett thinks Obama is so clairvoyant, then how does he explain Obama’s vote on the Punting Toddlers Act of 2006?