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A deadline has been set for the closure of the Orwellian detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, the 250 illegally-held detainees failed to pay the mortgage. Congress is now debating ways of bailing out the alleged terrorists who live there. This is reasonable, because if Congress bailed out AIG executives, that standard should apply to people who are less heinous assholes. We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring.
Sarah Palin’s at-best-unimpressive performance in a recent ABC interview revealed conclusively why she hasn’t given any other interviews. “She showed she had no understanding whatsoever of the world at large,” said Mory Ellison, a stupid person. “As a person who is dumber than a brick, that speaks to me.” I was eating an entire bag of Cheetos the other day, and as I neared the halfway mark, I began to feel slightly nauseated. “Is this just an upset stomach,” I wondered, “or will it soon become explosive diarrhea?” I checked the literature on the bag, but found no information relevant to my situation. I decided to leave the question to history, and continue my conquest of the bag. The salespeople quip, “It’s like walking, only with something between your foot and the ground.” I didn’t believe them at first. Neither should any careful shopper. But folks, shoes are no ordinary product. “It’s something you put feet inside,” claimed an executive in a high-profile shoe company (known in the industry as “coopers”). This description of a shoe, I must stress, is no exaggeration. They really are that fucking awesome. Answer: yes. Provided they were made in the USA, one of its dependencies, or military zones and before 1973. And you know what? It would probably be a better chief executive than some shrubbery-themed presidents of late. And its “washing instructions” themed States of the Union would be awesome. Just picture it.
We can only hope it was for target practice. |
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